Confined

"Everyone has a fear. No not everyone. Every living thing on this planet. Not just on this planet. Billions of galaxies away from Earth there is a creature alive and breathing that fears as we do. It's amazing to marvel at and analyze, it is also one of the few instances where everybody in this world or universe has something in common. We are limited. We are confined. Our potential is shortened by our fears. I used to wish for a world with no fear. Where everyone was free from their shortcomings and we could truly set our mind to do anything we wanted. But now I realize that would unleash complete and utter chaos to our world. Sure plenty of people would try to do good, but there would always be the bad. The bad would be inevitable and unstoppable, like an eager dog ready to attack a squirrel. Taking off its leash would give it the power to snap the squirrel's neck in two. The result is much more gruesome than if the leash was left on and the four-legged pet had admitted defeat as it does now. But I still wonder what it would feel like? To be rid of dread. To never be stopped. To not be confined. That's my fear. Being trapped."

"What are you doing with my diary? Give it back!"

Liam jumped off the bed and ran off laughing his annoying little head off. With a groan and a grunt, I reluctantly get off the fluffy mattress of sleep and chase him down the stairs. I pant and try to gasp for air as I ran in circles around the kitchen counter. I probably looked like a dog chasing its tail, that's how bad I wanted my diary back. It was supposed to be a private, safe place to confide in my deepest darkest thoughts. I also secretly hoped it would become something like Anne Frank's diary after I died. But now it was just a beacon of embarrassment being signaled out to the entire world, by none other than my horrid brother.

We run around that counter without a stop until our parents come in. Then we both know we have to look civilized, but even then I am practically fuming with anger like a train engine is fuming with steam.

"Mom! Liam took my diary! Tell him to give it back!"

"I did not!"

"You did too!"

"No, I didn't!"

"God! You're such a liar!"

"Enough!"

That shuts me up. Seemed to work on Nate too.

"Liam, give Cece back her diary."

I give him a sneer and stick out my tongue when Mom and Dad aren't looking. I know it wasn't mature, but he crossed a line. A very big one.

"Fine, but at least I don't have claustrophobia!"

"Oh shut up!"

I yelled back as he very forcedly handed me back my diary. After that, I ran up the stairs and slammed my bedroom door behind me. I clutched the diary to my chest as my breathing began to go back to thumping at a normal rate. I don't have claustrophobia. No way. 

At that moment my phone started vibrating in the back pocket of my jeans. I pull it out to see a FaceTime call offer with Jenny, Kennedy, and Haley, my three best friends from school. I rushed over to my desk and propped my phone up against a jar full of pencils, and then patted down all the frizzy strands sticking out of my hair before I entered the call.

I ask, "Hey, what's up?"

Jenny responds, "I was wondering if ya'll want to go shopping at the mall today?"

Haley almost immediately squeals with excitement, "OMG everything will be on sale, because of Black Friday too!"

"Totally, I saw this red jacket a few weeks ago and I have been dying for it," Kennedy chimes in.

I wasn't so sure, it has always been crowded everywhere on Black Friday. I heard on the news somebody died because they were run over by a crowd on Black Friday. Since then I've always made a point to not go out then. But they all noticed my hesitation.

"We understand if you don't wanna go, Cece. With your claustrophobia and all."

There was that stupid word again!

"I don't have claustrophobia. I was just thinking about buying those jeans with the stars printed on them. What time should we meet?"

"5:00 should work, right?"

We all agreed and hung up. What had I done? I was so blinded by the thought of disproving the thought that I had claustrophobia that I agreed to face it head-on. On top of that, I only had thirty minutes to prepare. I found some breathing exercises online and stashed my pockets to the brim with peppermints. It turns out they calm the brain.

"Mom, can I go to the mall with Haley, Kennedy, and Jenny?"

"Sure but be careful! I know big crowds can bother you."

I grunt. There it is yet again!

"I'm fine Mom!"

I slam the front door and go to meet my doom.

We all agreed to meet in front of Nordstroms. But it was on the second floor which meant I would have had to take the escalator. The first thing I do is plug my earbuds into my phone and turn on meditation music. The music acted as a drug that calmed and numbed my ears from the surrounding sound. Everything was going well until Johnny's Rockets put up a "Free milkshakes for the first twenty customers" sign. Not long after the entire crowd ran toward the Johnny's Rockets stand, so now I would have to fight my way past the current of people who were over the top eager for a chocolate shake. 

The rest was all a blur. I tried to dodge around people to reach the escalator, but I almost instantly ran out of ways to dodge them. Then a particularly angry man with a coca-cola can smashed into me, and I collapsed taking the coca-cola with me. 

"Watch where your going girl!" 

"Teenagers," he mumbled afterward.

 I began to hyperventilate my eyes were stinging from the soda and I was stuck crawling on the floor. All I could see were feet and legs for a long time. Tears began to stream down my face. This was not how Black Friday was supposed to go. I was supposed to overcome my fear, claustrophobia. But now all I had done was succumb to it. I was confined like the rest of this world. No matter how desperately I didn't want to be, it was inevitable. I should've known that. 

But there was no way Cece Hallen was going to die like this. I wiped the tears off my cheeks with my shirt sleeve and continued to crawl through the crowd until I finally found a silver platform. I stood up at that point and stepped onto the escalator. I got a chance to look down at what I had been through. I still don't understand how I made it through. There wasn't a single free gap of space in the food court. There were what seemed to be hundreds of little heads all stuck together in a giant wave. But after that, I didn't look back. I just looked forward.  

I may be confined like the rest of this world but in a situation where I need to overcome my fear, I now know I can. After that though, I couldn't wait to get home, and I would probably never drink coca-cola again. But first I had to buy those jeans with the stars on them.