What I Wanted

I didn’t have a choice. My family said I needed to get married. Gerard wanted to marry me. Did anyone ask if I ever had a dream? No. They just said, “Get married before you’re too old. You’re not smart enough for college.” 

Gerard was a kind, fireman that drove across town to have dinner with his mom and dad every Thursday. On our first date, he made me laugh with stories of clumsy firefighters slipping on water, tripping on hoses, and falling on ice. When he got on one knee and looked up at me with those big, brown eyes, I knew he’d take care of me. So I said yes. But I was only 20. My whole family cheered us on as we popped our kids. But who was I? I was making his meals, driving the kids to soccer, and sitting at home with the dog. No one asked me if I wanted this. They just said, “We’re all happy for you.” They just assumed. Without Gerard, maybe I would have become a police officer like my dad. My mom also, waited at home anxiously wondering if tonight was the night she’d lose her husband.  

I didn’t really know how to entertain myself at home. After 6 years of the same routines, screaming kids, fireman functions, and the echoes of an empty house while everyone was somewhere, I needed something. So I started dating. Gerard worked so much I could just invite them over off Tinder. The children spent plenty of time with their friends and grandparents. I had all the time to go out with people. A dirty secret that Gerard didn’t get to touch. I wasn’t his virginal bride anymore. I wasn’t my mother’s perfect little girl. Or my children’s benevolent mother. I was a dirty girl that needed to be punished.  

Then finally, I decided I needed out. I talked about it with one of my booty calls, Larry. I don’t know much about him but I said, “My husband is a horrible man that beats me. I want to leave.”

“I have a wife. You can’t stay with me. How would you support yourself?” He asked drinking a beer with his arm draped around me in bed.  

“Gerard would pay alimony.”

“Alimony, ain’t much. He’s a firefighter? His pension would probably keep you comfortable… Cheryl just stays with him. You don’t know how to do anything but please a man. It’s a hard world out there and your husband is a good dumb man.”

“Hate him. He forced me into this marriage and to have his kids. I’m only 25 and all my friends have careers and they travel. Last time I traveled was from Arizona to California. I want to see Paris.”

“Everyone wants to see Paris. It’s just a lot of trash and snobby people. Cheryl, you don’t know the world. And I certainly don’t want to be the one to hold your hand through it. My wife, she’s boring but she cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids. And I give her a good life. She just watches terrible shows while I’m here with you.”

After Larry left, I started looking at how many houses were, how much experience you need to work retail, and how expensive health insurance is. Larry is right. I can’t live without someone. I’m going to have to kill my husband.

So there I go. Trying to convince any man, any man at all that my husband was abusing me. I put fake bruises on, ran myself into walls, and perfected my fake crying. None of these men felt bad enough to just shoot Gerard so I could get his benefits. 

I was good mother.  I setup pumpkin carving for the kids and their friends.  Always thinking of how to make things fun for them, how to make this house a home.  The kids went to friends’ houses. We had our jack-o-lanterns sitting on the table with their guts in bowls and the carving knives scattered across the dining room table. Gerard is helping me clean up. 

“Susie is real good at art. Hers is the best but don’t tell Matt,” Gerard says.

“Gerard, I’m cheating on you.”

“Cheryl, I know. You haven’t tried to hide it at all. It’s embarrassing.”

“Why aren’t you mad? Don’t you care?”

“Look, get it out of your system, whatever, just come home to me and the kids.”

“Wow. You don’t care. You don’t ask why. What do I want? Everything is about serving you and the kids. I might as well be a robot. You just want me to clean, clean, and cook. Did anyone even care that I want to go to Paris? I want to learn French. I want to climb a mountain.”

“No one is stopping but I’m certainly not wasting my hard-earned money on you going to Paris. Get a job Cheryl. Our youngest is six. There’s after school programs. What are you talking about?”

“Get a job? Get a job! You have plenty of money. I’ve been your slave in this house making everything perfect. I learned how to make a pot roast. I decorate the house for each season. I birth our CHILDREN! And you can’t talk to me about filling this void.”

“You’ve been getting plenty of filling, Cheryl. Your whole family knows. Your cousin Bobby saw you on Tinder. The neighbors tell me about the cars that drive up. If you want to find yourself fine. But don’t expect me to foot the bill. You’re an adult. Figure it out.”

“You took my youth! And replaced it with emptiness.” In a rage, I grab the knife on the table and stab him in the stomach.His eyes widen with shock then wince in pain. He falls to the ground.

“I only married you because my mom said that’s all I was good for. And you just snatched me up like a prize and paraded me around like a dog!” I throw Matt’s jack lantern at Gerard who is wheezing in his blood.

“You never even cared if I had dreams. All anyone ever wanted was for me to do the chores while they live their lives.” I throw the pumpkin-scented candle a the wall. Gerard has stopped moving. I stand in the living room watching the blood slowly taking over the floor like a wave.

No one ever cared about what I wanted.