Happier Than Ever

Breathe in, wait… breathe out. 

Box breathing, which Alexandria McCall prefers to call 4x4 breathing, is the breathing exercise where you hold your breath for a four count, and then you release it with the same timing. Right now, Alexandria is box breathing in an attempt to retaliate against her anxiety. She has to overcome the feelings from her assiduous morning and ease herself into the present. 

The present, where she comfortably nested in a quiet, bright, and warm train booth. A stark contrast from earlier in the day. Hours ago, she’d woken up at five in the morning to a dull graying sky, maneuvered through a cold and crowded airport, and ended up on a flight that seated her next to a terribly ill man who knew absolutely nothing about personal space. Traveling had been the last thing she intended to do, it suddenly came up, but there was no way that on her sudden trip she was going to get sick. 

When the plane landed and Alexandria finally exited, the first thing she did was slather her hands and half of her arms in hand sanitizer. She was sure she smelled like nothing but purell when she slid into the backseat of the Uber driver’s red Ford Escape. She smeared even more sanitizer onto her skin once she arrived at the vintage looking train station. 

The station was a rusty orange bricked building with hunter green accents appearing on the doors, window frames, and the vacant wooden benches that were sat against the windows. The structure wasn’t big, though it wasn’t small either. The true sizing was disguised by the surrounding overgrown trees. After Alexandria checked in, she found a spot on one of the empty benches and observed them as their leaves swayed against the silver sky, there were black antique light poles set every few feet along the station’s sidewalk that made the atmosphere seem somewhat cozy, contrary to the gloomy oncoming weather. 

Alexandria looked around, there weren’t many people seated near her, and the people that were, seemed to be nose deep in their books or tech devices. It didn’t seem as though any of them planned on making any noise or doing anything besides minding their own business. There was no better time to fall asleep. She closed her eyes knowing it would take next to nothing for her to slip out of consciousness. 

“Howdy!” 

Alexandria’s eye’s sprung open as if on command. She sat up in surprise and confusion as a tall blond man stood before her. She knew she had just closed her eyes seconds ago, where had he come from? She hadn’t even heard his footsteps trailing on the train’s carpeted flooring. 

“Sorry for waking you,” 

Alexandria opened her mouth to respond. She was going to tell him it was okay since she hadn’t started slumbering yet. The words never came out though, because the tall blond stranger continued on. 

“I just get excited when I meet new people! I can barely contain myself! I talk and talk ‘til I’m giddy all over, ya know what I mean?” 

Alexandria did not know what he meant. She wasn’t much of a talker. She wasn’t that social. It had been an issue of hers for years. Her parents had even sent her to therapy for it due to their concerns. However, she could see that this guy—whoever he was—was a certified conversationalist and he was excited to be there. There was no doubt that he would spend most, if not, the entire train ride talking. Already, she noticed a strong accent when he spoke. He sounded like he’d came straight out of a stereotypical western film. 

“No,” she answered plainly, “I don’t know what you mean.” 

If this response had faltered his mood in any way, Alexandria hadn’t noticed and he hadn’t made it obvious. He still seemed as ‘giddy’ as ever with a wide grin growing on his face. “Where are my manners?” He quickly shelved a duffle bag in the upper compartment above their seats and plopped into a chair across from Alexandria. “My name is Nolan, what’s yours?” 

He held out his hand, leaving Alexandria to lean forward and shake it, “Alexandria.” He had a firm grip compared to her loose one. Handshakes were apart of making first impressions, and he had already been making quite the impression, handshake aside. 

“Nice to meet you, Alexandria!”

She tried her hardest to bite back a smile, though it couldn’t be helped. She was tickled by the way her name sounded in his mouth. She didn’t have a special name by any means, and yet, Nolan’s accent had made it sound unique. ‘Alexandria’ had transformed from a common name to one of the world’s most beautiful terms. “Likewise, Nolan.” She didn’t know if it was really likewise, but she knew it was the polite thing to say. 

“Where are you off to?” He sat back in his seat and she followed his lead. She knew she wasn’t going to be getting any sleep anytime soon. Nolan didn’t seem like the type to allow more than five minutes of silence. 

“Oaken Holley.” 

“Oaken Holley?!” Nolan sat up again, there was eagerness in his voice and a slight twinkle in his suddenly wide eyes. “That’s where I’m headed! It’s my hometown! I’m coming back from visiting my family members that live up in the city. I always see them every couple of months, but I could never stay. My heart belongs to Oaken Holley.” 

Alexandria quietly wondered how someone like Nolan did in the city. He was obviously a country boy; his accent, too friendly behavior, and wardrobe (slightly ripped denim jeans, flannel button down, and tattered brown boots) gave that away. He had blond hair with small curls blooming at the ends, soft blue eyes, and freckles that littered his cheeks and the tip of his pointed nose. He was handsome, but he didn’t belong underneath skyscrapers, he was meant to be beneath the twilight sky, staring up at the flickering stars that weren’t hidden by neon city lights. 

The train’s whistle blew into the air and seconds later, there was motion. Alexandria and Nolan both turned to look out the window, gazing out as the train station slowly disappeared. They remained this way for a while, perceiving the world outside the wide panned window. So far, the only things they could note were the many trees, misty sky, and the circling birds. 

Alexandria had never been to Oaken Holley. She googled the small rural town and found pictures of farm-like communities. It was definitely a typical countryside setting and the people were probably clones of Nolan. What did people there do? She was curious, but not curious enough to stick around and find out what life was like there. 

She had only one purpose for visiting Oaken Holley and after that was done, she would be leaving. 

“What’s a city girl like you doing going to Oaken Holley?” 

She wished the silence would have lasted longer. She wished there was one more person there to add to the conversation. She switched her gaze back to him, admiring his features as his blue eyed stare remained on the outside. “I have to pick something up. Then, I’m going back home tonight.” 

“And where’s home for you?” 

“Florida.” 

Nolan’s head whipped in Alexandria’s direction; he appeared terribly confused. “Florida?! From Florida to Oaken Holley is a long trip, especially for one that you aren’t gonna spend the night for. This thing you’re picking up, it couldn’t have been mailed to you?” 

Alexandria shrugged, she glanced back at the window and watched as they passed by endless flocks of trees. “It probably could’ve been mailed to me, but I kind of wanted to visit the person that had it.” 

“I see,” Nolan settled back into his seat. “Now it all makes sense. Of course you’re willing to travel this far for your sweetheart.” 

“Oh no, no, no,” she shook her head and laughed, “This is no sweetheart. Actually, it’s his mother.” 

“His mother?” Nolan’s brows furrowed as he tried to understand Alexandria’s answers. “Well then why didn’t he take this journey with you?” 

Nolan could feel a shift in the air as Alexandria’s laugh and the smile that came with it dissipated. He observed her cautiously as she looked down at her lap where she anxiously figited with her fingers. 

“He’s dead.” 

Nolan’s face reddened, he felt goosebumps and heat rising to the back of his neck from embarrassment. For once, he felt at a loss for words. “Gosh, I apologize, I didn’t—“

“You didn’t know. It’s okay,” Alexandria’s tone softened and that made Nolan calm down. His natural skin color slowly returned, though the atmosphere changed. Even though Alexandria didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place, she couldn’t allow it to end like this. “It’s actually not that sad.” 

Nolan didn’t say anything more, still, the expression on his face told her she could continue. “The truth is…” she hesitated, not sure why she was sharing this information with a complete stranger.

“You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to, Alexandria.” Nolan reassured her. 

She flashed a halfhearted smile, appreciating Nolan saying that, though she was positive that he wanted to know what was on the tip of her tongue. “I know,” she cleared her throat, “the truth is, I don’t know what happened to him. He went missing one day in the middle of the night, never to be seen again. The only thing he left behind was his phone, a few drops of blood, and a birthstone necklace that I bought for him at the start of our relationship. The birthstone necklace is the thing I’m picking up.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Nolan reached over and placed one of his hands on Alexandria’s knees. She looked down at his hand, studying his short nails, and his veins. Before she knew it, her vision was blurred by incoming tears. “Thank you, Nolan.” 

Nolan moved from his seat to the one next to Alexandria. His arms were wrapped around her and she succumbed to the warmth of his body. It hadn’t occurred to her until now, but she needed a hug. It had been so long since someone had genuinely embraced her, someone that was that was this warm and this sweet. 

“I apologize for this,” Alexandria pulled away from Nolan. “I didn’t mean to cry on a stranger’s shoulder.” 

He waved a dismissive hand, “There’s no need to apologize. People cry from time to time. It happens. All you have to do is be there for them and offer some comfort, which I’m an expert at. I grew up with three older sisters. I’ve sat through many crying sessions and delivered over a billion of sentimental speeches.” Nolan nudged Alexandria with a playful smirk, “Not to brag, but my emotional intelligence is through the roof.” 

Alexandria laughed, shaking her head, “You’re exceptional, Nolan.” 

“Much abliged,” he tipped an imaginary cowboy hat, a slight blush rising to his cheeks. 

At this point, Alexandria figured the topic should change. She decided to ask Nolan about his life in Oaken Holley, about what the small town was like. She wanted to talk about anything else other than her fiancé. 

If she was being honest, she hated lying to Nolan. Half an hour had barely passed since they met, though Alexandria could see the kind of person he was. He was the opposite of who she was, he was who she used to be. She couldn’t be dishonest to someone like that. 

Maybe she wasn’t being dishonest. She was simply omitting important details. Nolan wasn’t the only person that didn’t know all the details. It wasn’t for everyone to know.

Alexandria’s fiancé—Neil, was a decent guy. He was handsome, intelligent, and that was all he was. Somehow, it was solely his intelligence and charming looks that attracted her to him. He had nothing else to offer her, though she settled for him anyway and that settling had come with a price. Neil had often projected his insecurities onto her, did anything to start arguments with her, and did everything in his power to make sure she felt like she was less. Alexandria felt like she was in a prison instead of a relationship, though she was no criminal. Instead of remaining behind bars, the caged bird would set herself free. 

There were plenty of ways for her to remove herself this hell, yet it wasn’t enough. She had to free herself and she had to free the women of the past and the future. Even more so, she had to do something that would let Neil know how she truly felt about him. 

She remembered the Sunday afternoon she spent cleaning their entire apartment without his assistance. But Alexandria didn’t need Neil’s help. She didn’t need his help to polish the furniture, to scrub the tiles in the shower, and she certainly didn’t need his help after repeatedly bashing the mop handle against the back of his head. She was left alone to hide and clean up all the evidence, to grieve, and to tell lie after lie. Most of those lies were told to his mother, the very person she was currently on her way to visit. 

Despite all this, despite the chaos and stress it brought, Alexandria was happier than ever.