Memories

It was around 5:00 in the afternoon when I arrived at the cemetery. The sun was already setting, and the air had gotten colder. The crunching of dead leaves filled the void of silence. I opened the gate and went down the path I knew by heart. I come here almost every day to pay my respects. I keep telling him I'll get over his death, but it feels near impossible sometimes. In the solitude of the graveyard is where I find my comfort. My son Andrew died five years ago of cancer; the poor boy was only ten. Since then, my wife Sarah and I have gotten a divorce. She told me I needed to move on, but how could I? He was my son. She suggested marriage counseling, but I scoffed at the idea. Andrew was gone, so our marriage was dead to me. I haven't spoken to her since our divorce was finalized.

My current coping mechanisms consist of a myriad of vices. I had taken up smoking and drinking to numb the pain in my heart. I have also developed into a recluse. I rarely go out unless it's for groceries or doctor's appointments. My job as an author doesn't require me to go out much, so I often opt to stay inside. It also didn't help that I saw Andrew's face whenever I went out. My life was fine like this. While deep in thought, I noticed that the sun had already reminded me that I needed to get home. I finished my visit with Andrew and quickly kissed his tombstone before heading to the car.

I took out a cold beer from the fridge and plopped down on the couch to see what was playing on tv. Flipping through channels, I suddenly noticed it was New Year's Eve. Andrew always loved New Year's Eve. His favorite part was blowing into the little paper horns as loud as he could, and like any kid, he loved staying up till midnight. I chuckled at his begging to stay up just another hour past twelve. He also loved to make New Year's resolutions. Though they were never serious, I always would congratulate him for trying to better himself. I began pondering what he'd be doing if he were still alive. I quickly shook the thought from my brain and got up to grab another beer from my fridge. As the hours passed, I ended up falling asleep to the drone of the tv. Andrew was the last thing I thought about.

Andrew and I sat on a swing outside, watching the sunset. His birthday party had just come to an end. "So Andrew, did you like your birthday?" I asked. "Of course, It was the best one ever!" He said enthusiastically. I chuckled and patted him on the head. "I kinda don't want it to be over." He mumbled. "Well, Andrew, we can't hold onto things forever, but we can hold onto the memories. Take your birthday, for example. It may be over, but you can always reflect on the memories and think of all the fun you had." I said. "But I don't want it to be over!" He exclaimed. "I know…I know…but tomorrow the sun will rise again, and we can look forward to a new day while holding our memories close," I said. I hugged him. We sat in comfortable silence for what felt like hours. I just held him close to me.

The sound of a dog barking had awoken me. My eyes hastily scanned the room, hopeful that Andrew was alive. But the memories returned, and I realized I had dreamt of that interaction with Andrew. It was a saddening reminder of Andrew's death, but it made me realize that I needed to let Andrew go. The talk I had with him in my dream was eye-opening. I got up to use the restroom, and when I finished, I looked at myself in the mirror. For once, the thought of Andrew didn't make me cry; it made me smile. I was glad I had gotten to know such a wonderful kid. I knew what I was going to do today…It was time to let go. I went and grabbed my keys to head to the cemetery. While walking up the hill made me reflect on all the good times I had with Andrew. One of the reasons we buried Andrew on a hill was because he always thought it was the best place to stargaze. I hope they have stars in heaven. I sat right next to Andrew and started talking. "Hey, buddy! Happy New Year! I know it used to be tradition to make a resolution, and I haven't done it in a while, but would you like to hear mine?" I said. It never bothered me that nobody ever said anything back. "I've decided that maybe it's best to get back to living again. Holding on isn't fair to both of us. Of course, I will come by every so often, but…I think it's time to let you go. I think I'll start going and get back on my feet. Maybe apologize to your mom for lashing out and start going to therapy? Andrew, I will always hold those memories I made with you the closest to my heart, but it is time I bid you goodbye. I will always love you, Andrew, and so will your mother," I said. I kissed the tombstone and then started down the hill to my car. The leaves crunched beneath my feet as I walked down. I felt hopeful for once and a little bit proud that I had finally released him from my tight grasp. Some things can't be forever, but that doesn't matter now. The memories I have with him will always stay with me and will last forever. I looked at the hill and saw a young Andrew wave at me. I waved back and looked forward to a new day.