In a dream last night suddenly I was home

(title taken from the Chinese poem “Song of River City” by Su Shi)

Something unusual was going on in that mirror. Gray traced with cold fingers the hole that was getting sewn back. The translucent skin closing up on itself again, as it was once before. It felt…very unpleasant, that was the least Gray could describe it with.

Gray contemplated a weird shape forming in the confines of a ribcage, the pain…was new, yet familiar. In the back of Gray’s mind lingered a thought, that this pain had struck once in the past.

Right, it has struck once, in the same place, right before it somehow got replaced with that hollow chest. 

Hollow… 

Gray needed to think of something else, divert the attention from the pain.

Actually, what hour was it? It was late afternoon somehow, though Gray could’ve sworn it was 11am two hours ago. Oh well, better warm up the food. Warm it because it felt less distant that way. Using the stove sounded livelier than the microwave as well.

“Matches, I need matches”.

The gas leaking from the stove must have been set a bit too strong, because once the flames brushed that nonexistent body of gas, it got irritated, injecting Gray’s fingers with a burning sensation.

But it wasn’t unpleasant, not like the hole filling. In fact, Gray felt physical again.

Present…yes, that was the word, present in the present, not hanging in the voids of the past, not stretched by the uncertainties of the future.

There was an ancient belief, or a rumor, those who had chalk eyes, were able to craft a void at will. They could fill it, cover it up again, but most didn’t know how to. But they couldn’t talk to the waves like the children of water, or maybe they could, just very rarely.

Forgetting was okay, because the book that talked about it was still on the dining table. Travelling from the shelf to the table, then the bed and back to the table.

A void that Gray yearned for, because now water was overflowing, and it wasn’t pleasurable either.

“I don’t understand” echoes repeated over and over until it was distorted words and hiccups. It sounded painful, and it was probably slightly loud in that silent late afternoon, because in the background noise, something was knocking on wood. Someone at the door. But that noise was dying under the sobs that rushed. 

Somehow. Somehow. 

The untouched warm plate watched silently, unable to warm the body on the floor. But that was fine, somehow the floor was more comfortable than the bed right now.

The worried mumbling from behind the barrier was now gone. Unless the silence in Gray’s head was turned on maximum volume.

Talking to nothingness wasn’t unusual, but tonight it wasn’t Nothingness. There was a spirit, one from whom Gray begged rest, even forgetfulness. And that spirit was gentle enough to let his hand hover onto Gray’s eyes, sealing them.

For a while that would appease at least. 

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Wow, that was a nice breeze.

“Close your eyes, what do you see?” said the muffled voice on the other side of the line.

“A closed white door”

Lu proceeded, “Now open them, what do you see, Gray?”

But Gray didn’t really need to open them, the answer was already carved on them, in their very essence, so even if they were blinded, the answer would be there waiting. Yet Gray opened them to confirm what was certain; “A closed white door”. 

As opaque as the white wood was to Gray’s eyes, it was but a mere fragile glassy surface to that…quite interestingly weird thing that had formed a while ago. The burning thing that replaced a cool hole that once was. Beats, blood and veins still twisted painfully. Yet it was soothing now.

Gray looked at the sky above, searching for floating dreams, beautiful white dreams.

Despite the white clouds, the sky seemed so clear, a peaceful blue, and Gray wished to tickle that peace.

“You know Lu, I wish I was a cloud, I wouldn’t have to burn the way I am. I would just float away, watch life taking slow movements, sometimes running, but in truth it’s still slow, and I’d be the only one knowing hahah.”

A soft breeze stalked lines on Gray’s skin.

“Someone would look at me in a warm afternoon, or in the early hours. Maybe even late. Someone would watch me, love me, just for the tranquility I’d taint them with.”

Time passed by as Gray didn’t want to detach from obsessing over the clear blues.

Was Gray travelling through time or was time travelling through Gray? It wasn’t obvious. Gray couldn’t grasp whether time was moving or not, time seemed out of reach. Or perhaps, Gray was in a timeless world, somewhere that didn’t belong anywhere.

“You were always out of reach, just who are you?” Lu’s voice was growing fainter, moving farther and farther, the words felt like haunting echoes now.

“I’m…figuring it out myself. I hated liars, but I became one myself. I thought I was good, but I’m a hypocrite. Do I even deserve to answer your question?”

“You know, I’ll tell you something, the little thing that took life in this cage of bones of yours, it’s a heart. Be careful, it's quite fragile, but it’s also very tough. Take care of it.

A heart, for an aimless wanderer.”

In the vast plains of white, there sat Gray, on a white wooden chair, senses swayed by a wind blowing from the unknown.

“You’re a lost comet, vibrant” Lu giggled, but under her faint sparkling melodies danced silent wailing.

Gray wouldn’t talk for a while, and dew over cheeks, despite the clear up above. The dandelions whispered, Gray listened to their gentle murmurs. They felt nicer than the heavy liquid filling Gray’s lungs, and softer than the stinging void scratching at Gray’s throat.

The weather calmed down.

“Are you ready to proceed?” Lu’s voice would disappear soon, at any moment.

“Will you remember that I existed? And those who were before? The ones who are gone and others who will face the inevitable?”

“I will. Every single one.”

Gray could hear the smile on her face, and it was appeasing.

Though Gray had once wanted to cease completely, the feeling of wanting to be remembered still stuck. Withering away was now just impossible; it could remain as a simple thought, fading over time.

Lu would see and watch every time Gray closed a door. They would talk over the phone again. But maybe next time the sun would be brighter.

Gray was now alone, and before the eyes a wooden door. Does it matter that everything is white, when the core is tainted with gloom that blossoms and sprouts?

Veins pumped blood, beats resonated with those that once ran and danced weakly inside the body that lay beyond. A body now lifeless, but somehow still living inside Gray.

Living…under limitless layers…

Closed eyes, Gray saw a white wooden door.

Open eyes, it was still there.

Gray didn’t need to open the door, nor needed to know what was behind it, because Gray knew what lay there.

Beyond that fragile surface, lay Gray’s body.

Back facing the door, Gray walked forward, taking slow steps. The sun shone nicely, kissing Gray’s skin with gold.

At the end of this road, will await a door, where lifelessness awaits Gray. And beyond that door another, until there will be no doors and Gray will be but a fragment of a memory, before it fades too, eternally. Until then, an undamaged fixed Gray will travel, followed by the ghost of a hollow Gray. A ghost that Gray will try to appease, to become an appeasing one for the one waiting soon.

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A butterfly brushed over Gray’s nose. It was time to wake up.

Warm fingers traced over the newly born scar that formed on that chest’s soft skin.

Sound of a phone ringing.

“Hey Sam, thank you for knocking, could you come over?”