Nicotine

I wake up sweaty, mouth dry, head throbbing with pain. everything hurts, my head, my legs, my stomach. I sit up, before realizing I'm not in my own bed. I look around, and see the woman I fucked last night. we were still naked, her arm draped over my chest. my gut wrenched with guilt.

I couldn't belive myself, I didn't even know her name. I got up, careful not to wake her from her peaceful looking slumber. I went to find my clothes, and I got dressed. Even the slightest sound hurt my head from how hangover my ass was. I grabbed some medicine for my head. I looked at her one last time, whispering an apology.

I left silently, with everything. I needed to smoke, my lungs felt empty and I was anxious, and stressed too. I grabbed my half-empty cigarette carton, grabbed one, lit it. and inhaled the tabaco, the nicotine I needed. I let out the breath and started walking. over time I could tell that The smoke was corroding, and killing my lungs slowly.

I didn't care anymore though, I stopped caring a while ago. I stopped caring that I was becoming my mother in ways. I wasn't a gaslighter, I didn't manipulate people like she manipulated me. Im not like that, no I'm just a lazy bum, who plays games all day, smoking and eating junk food. I'm not a monster but I'm ignorant.

I tried once, to do better. But then peer pressure, then I got hooked. ADHD doesn't help either. All my life, I have suffered. All my life I have tried to improve myself, all my fucking life. But I never felt good enough, I always felt like I was the one at fault, I thought I was the monster.

The sound of a car honking interrupted my thoughts. I jumped, and looked to my left. Fuck Im In the road?! i had been walking home absentmindedly, and now I'm going to die. I'm gonna die because I keep fucking up.

All I seem to do is make mistakes and hurt others, and myself. The car was mere feet away from me. I could jump and try escapng, but I don't think ill make it. But its worth a shot, an attempt. I have to try. I jumped to the right, to the left of the car.

I wake up with a jolt, sitting upright immediately. I'm out of breath, sweaty and in a room that is unfamiliar, for a moment. Then I understand I'm in a hospital, I was alive. I was dazed, for a moment I felt ok.

Suddenly my entire body felt sore, my ribs hurt, my legs, my neck and back. my head hurt the worst. I hadn't looked at myself, but I was afraid that the thing I felt around my arm and leg were casts. i tried bending my arm, and it hurt immensely. i could feel it more now too.

I knew they were casts. I knew my body sustained heavy injury. hell I might've almost died from internal bleeding! i could've died "Sir?" I heard a woman talk. I looked at her, her body was thin, but not in an unhealthy way. her cheeks were rosy pink, her eyes a deep shade of blue. like an ocean, her hair was ink black, and she had blue clothes on, she was a nurse, or a doctor.

"Yes?" I said still in pain. "Sir can you tell me your name?" I nodded before responding with "Yeah I'm jacob, what... how long was I asleep?" The nurse seemed to be confused at what I said, but then also impressed? "Well, Jacob. you have been asleep for around 8 hours. Do you remember what happened?"

Suddenly I felt that familiar itch, that want. that need, I needed a cigarette. "Uh, can I get a smoke?" The nurse simply shook her head and repeated her question. "No please, I just need one smoke, please." The nurse shook her head. "Jacob, you are not well, and smoking will only delay the healing process. Now tell me, do you remember what happened?"

I nodded my head, "yes, I was hit by a car." The nurse nodded. "Very good Jacob, how do you feel?" I could've sworn I heard malice in her tone, as if she was ridiculing me. treating me like someone less than.

"I feel fine." I responded, "Now when can I get a smoke?" The nurse shook her head, "Stop doing that and give me a fucking answer!" The nurse looked at me angrily, "calm down sir" I shook my head. "Then give me a fucking answer, when can I fucking smoke?"

I felt like hitting her, demanding for smokes. But I knew I didn't really need them. But the itch grew, and now its painful. "I need to smoke, please" The nurse shook her head again.

I had had, enough, I stood up. "Jacob calm down, sit down!" I barked back saying "NO, don't tell me what to do you bitch and give me a fucking smoke!" I walked to her slowly, she seemed scared. but I didn't care anymore, I needed a cigarette. "No Jacob you cannot smoke right now! SECUR-"

I swung my left arm at her head in anger, hitting her head and interrupting her. I knew security heard her. I watched the woman fall to the ground, unconscious, I hope she was ok.

Cops ran in screaming at me. I didn't care, I needed a smoke. That was all that mattered to me. "I NEED TO SMOKE!!!" I yelled, I walked to one of the cops. I must be bigger than I thought, and louder too.

Suddenly, an electric pain shot up my back and down my leg. my muscles tensed and I fell to the right. directly on my broken arm. "FUCK" I cried. Then I as arrested.

Anyway that's why I'm In prison, assault and battery. What are you in here for?