Sand Dollar Cove Seagull Scoop: Sunburn and Shame – The Truth About Sunshine Sammy!

Well, butter my sea salt biscuits, everyone! Agnes Crankypants here with a Gulf Coast Sea Sizzle Story hotter than a July steel ramp boardwalk! We all know newcomer Sunshine Sammy, a double D busty beach naturally blonde vision with a smile that could charm a Brown Pelican off a Menhaden fish. Lately, her smile’s been lookin’ more like a wilted Seagrass out of the water. Why should you care? Let’s just say some of us have been acting crabbier with her than Old Man Swinson after losing his dentures at the Flip Flop Fiesta and Food Fight Cook-Off.

First up, our FB Official Page Group "``Sandcastle Mama’s,” led by our very own "Becky the Bod'' Wilson. Seems Becky’s worried her perfect “beach bod” is losing its tanning booth shine to Sammy’s natural sunshine beauty. Newsflash, Becky!  A Xen Tan Rapid Tanner ain’t the only thing that needs workin’ on around here. The Sandcastle Mama’s have been spreading rumors about Sammy thicker than SPF 70 cream on a NYC tourist. Let me tell you, those whispers are uglier than a Portuguese Man O’War jellyfish sting!

Then there’s the parade of Pick Up Posse Peacocks – the dudes of Sand Dollar Cove Beach. Instead of offering a friendly hello, they’ve been acting like a bunch of paparazzi parasites at a mermaid convention, shoving cellphone cameras in Sammy’s face for “had-my-arms-around-her” bragging rights. Bros? News Alert: A selfie with a pretty woman who just met you doesn’t make you Captain Jack Sparrow Charming. It just makes you look desperate.

Hold your seahorses, Sand Dollar Beach Bunnies!  Before you say another word about Sammy shackin’ up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry – here’s the real sun tea.  Her next door neighbor, Ashley “Always Single” Adams (Remember the whole “Forgot her anniversary” fiasco last month?) has been spreading rumors like a hurricane’s coming windy day.

Apparently, Ashley’s former main squeeze, Roger “Reliable” (emphasis on the past tense?), couldn’t help but blurt out his Bud Light awe of how “stunning” Sammy looked on a beach picnic with her daughter.  Shocking, right!  Especially considering Roger couldn’t muster a compliment for Ashley’s new do that he never noticed that same day.

Here’s where things get real fishy on Sand Dollars Pier:  Ashley threw her spiked peach tea at Roger and hightailed it out of there faster than a sandcastle in high tide.  Next thing you know, Ashley’s texting bombing everyone that Sammy’s a divorcee on the prowl with a social disease.  Now darlings, let’s get real.  Ashley’s track record with the truth is about as reliable as a one size fits all flip flop in a monsoon. The only thing Ashley’s ever “caught” at the Hook, Line & Sinker Bar out on the pier is a bad case of the “can’t-keep-a-man” blues.

Here’s the real Sand Dollar Cove Seagull Scoop: Sammy’s a total catch, but not in the market for good reason.  Roger better be thanking his lucky stars (or just keep his wandering eyes and mouth in check) next time.  As for Ashley, a little less gossip and a lot more self-reflection might be the perfect summer accessory.  Remember, sunshine looks good on everyone, but jealousy?  It’s a real bad sunburn.

Stay tuned, Sand Dollar Cove, because this juicy story for Ashley is just getting started, she's off her meds again and this little seagull birdie has a feeling there’s a lot more to come!

Breaking Sand Dollar Endless Scroll News: Just in on the chat’s and comments about to be taken down for misinformation — HOA Karen is shopping around a petition to have Sammy Sunshine banned from the community pool due to her scanty swimsuits. She’s even started a pool side playgroup that won’t allow Sammy’s daughter to join in. 

While we’re outing everyone standing in the shadow of Sammy Sunshine’s way: Our resident snowbird HOA curmudgeon, Harvey Whine, is back on his soapbox. He is taking aim at poor Sammy’s perfectly decent lawn. Now, she’s a single mama juggling a million responsibilities and can't afford lawn service.  Let’s be honest, maintaining a St. Augustine Disney clone golf-course worthy lawn is a herculean feat for all of us. But does it now require a dress code?  Who made that rule up?

Here’s the skinny on that:  Sammy prefers to mow her lawn in those adorable hobo retro denim shorts that leave leave little to the imagination. Of course, Harvey finds this absolutely scandalous!  According to the complaint he filed, it’s “distracting” and “disrespectful to the neighborhood aesthetic.”  The nerve of him!  It seems Harvey’s more concerned with seeing a bit of leg action than whether or not the grass is a millimeter too high.  

Listen up, Mr. Whine, stop whining!  We here in Sand Dollar Cove have bigger fish to fry (or alligators to chase us) than policing short lengths while mowing the lawn. Most of us appreciate a well-maintained yard, but honestly, our biggest concern is usually dog walker presents or the occasional overzealous sprinklers gone rogue

Here’s the real Kicker! Agnes Crankypants, your humble column gossip queen, might have gotten a little carried away myself.  My initial reports in recent weeks, bless my salty jealous soul, weren’t exactly fair to Sammy. Turns out, judging a Rom-com book model by her cover (or swimsuit by a rogue riptide wave falling off) is a recipe for near gossip column drowning.

The truth? Sammy’s just a newly widowed single mom trying to build a life for her adorable little daughter, Alyssa.  Because of the rumors and cyber-bullying, Sammy’s been drowning her sorrows instead of chasing waves. She’s not starting her life over by choice. Alyssa’s daddy was lost fighting a war he did not choose. Here’s the worst part. The child overheard what some of you have been saying about her mama. Seeing a child cry because of grown-up foolishness is enough to make a Coquina seashell weep.

What’s the takeaway, Dear Readers? Let's ditch the jealousy and the gossip. Maybe offer a helping hand instead of a judgmental stare or glare. Sand Dollar Cove should be a community where families can help each other thrive, not shrivel up under the weight of small-town meanness and drama. 

To Becky and the Sand Castle Mamas: Get a life, ladies! There’s room for more than one beautiful beach babe on this beach. To the Pick Up Posse Peacocks – Be the gentlemen your mama raised you to be, not jerks.  For the Snowbirds and Tourists lurking here – Let’s show Sammy and Alyssa the true spirit of Sand Dollar Cove – friendly, supportive and maybe a little less cancel culture gossipy.

Until the next Seagull Scoop – Remember, kindness is always in fashion, even when the swimsuit trends are questionable.

P.S. There’s gonna be a driftwood bonfire on Sand Dollar Cove’s private HOA beach next week.  Maybe we can all show up with a little less gritty sand stuck in our Patagonia shorts and tankinis with more compassion in our hearts.  See y’all there!