78 comments
Log in to Windows.
Wait for things to load.
Wait more.
Click HumanWrites icon.
Double-click HumanWrites icon.
Give it admin privileges.
Give it camera privileges.
Give it microphone privileges.
Give it keylogging privileges.
Give it mouse tracking privileges.
Wait for it to connect.
Wait for it to crash.
Frown.
Look online for help on crash.
Find the official forums.
Get swept up in forum drama.
Witness Godwin’s Law in action.
Find interesting but off-topic discussion.
Follow link to Wikipedia.
Click around.
Stumble onto French rococo architectural style page.
Daydream about being an architect.
Realize time is wasting.
Shut down browser.
Shut down everything other than Windows itself.
Restart HumanWrites.
Wait for Windows to bluescreen.
Restart computer.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait for Windows updates to install.
Make coffee.
Drink coffee.
Wait some more.
Log in to Windows.
Double-click HumanWrites icon.
Just keep clicking yes.
Wait.
Notice camera has turned on.
Smile for the camera.
Say your name.
Hold up a physical newspaper, clearly showing today’s date, to the camera.
Wait for HumanWrites to confirm the date.
Hold up the paper again, “making sure the date is visible in the green square” after the date is rejected.
Wait for HumanWrites to confirm the date.
Hold up the paper again, “making sure to keep your hands steady” after the date is rejected again.
Wait for HumanWrites to confirm the date.
Swear.
Hold up the paper right to the camera, trying to keep from strangling the computer.
Get rejected again.
Escalate to human operator.
Wait in line.
Note estimated wait time of 34 minutes.
Get up to make coffee again–
Startle when HumanWrites sounds alarm and makes the screen flash red.
Adhere to policy 993: User shall stay within the camera’s line of sight for duration of session.
Sit down.
Sigh.
Look at ceiling.
Fantasize about being an architect.
Fantasize about 1900s France.
Fantasize about Francine.
Pick up phone to call Francine.
Drop phone when HumanWrites sounds alarm.
Adhere to policy 751: User shall not use unmonitored electronics for duration of session.
Grumble.
Finally get connected with human operator.
Control temper.
Remember they’re people, just like you.
Lose temper anyway.
Shout.
Bite tongue when HumanWrites sounds alarm.
Adhere to policy 3398: User shall not use abusive language when interacting with HumanWrites staff.
Accept a demerit.
Flip the bird.
Growl impotently when HumanWrites sounds alarm.
Adhere to policy 3399: User shall not use abusive finger language when interacting with HumanWrites staff.
Accept demerit.
Apologize.
Explain situation.
Show newspaper.
Get approved.
Disconnect from chat.
Check account dashboard.
Check critical notifications.
Ignore critical notifications, all about upgrading to HumanWrites Pro.
Lament demerit count of 70.
Check clock.
Realize almost two hours have passed since starting.
Panic.
Open up Microsoft Word.
Wait for it to load.
Wait for HumanWrites plugin to hook into it.
Watch Word crash.
Open up Word again.
Watch another crash.
Repeat six times.
Make frustrated grunting noises.
Slam mouse on desk.
Apologize to mouse and hope it’s still working.
Thank the mouse for still working.
Widen eyes when bladder sounds alarm.
Adhere to policy: I really need to go!
Request timeout from HumanWrites session.
Click okay on pop-up that says timeouts are limited to three per session.
Click okay on pop-up that suggests uninterrupted work time is most productive.
Just keep clicking okay.
Click.
Click.
Click click click.
Grow tense when credit card pop-up shows up.
Lament not reading what was just agreed to.
Cancel out of HumanWrites Pro upgrade.
Finally confirm usage of first of three timeouts.
Go to bathroom.
Enjoy moment of Zen.
Look at ceiling.
Fantasize about being a ceiling maker/builder/person.
Make a mental note to research who builds ceilings.
Wonder if this, too, is done by architects.
Sigh.
Wash hands.
Wipe on pants.
Return to computer.
Try Word again.
Have it crash again.
Look up help for Word crashes with HumanWrites.
See hundreds of very recent posts about the same issue.
Ignore smug “well it works for me so it must be you” posters.
Refrain from feeding the trolls.
Read on.
Learn the issue is caused by this morning’s Windows update.
Swear.
Look up what to do about it.
Look up how to roll back Windows update.
Place head in hands.
Cry.
Realize people are watching you cry through the camera.
Don’t care.
Realize time is ticking.
Take a deep breath.
Give self pep-talk.
Read through instructions carefully.
Massage temples.
Take notes.
Look into Windows settings.
Become afraid of breaking something and close Windows settings.
Consider calling annoying sibling that understands computers.
Remember policy 751.
Load up minesweeper.
Procrastinate.
Look up the actual rules to minesweeper.
Follow link to Wikipedia.
Research naval mines in World War 2.
Research zinc mines in Peru.
Research what zinc actually is.
Check the time.
Swear.
Find something – anything – to roll back in Windows.
Pray.
Take a deep breath.
Click–
Notice HumanWrites pop-up indicating a patch has just been released for the Windows update issue.
Rejoice.
Observe HumanWrites crash after applying patch.
Restart HumanWrites.
Give it everything it wants.
Accidentally click the upgrade to HumanWrites Pro.
Cancel order.
Show newspaper again.
Open Microsoft Word.
Wait.
Jump when HumanWrites sounds alarm.
Note it’s green this time, and it’s just telling you “You’re good to go! Start writing, Champ!”
Stare at blank screen.
Realize you had an idea four hours ago but neglected to write it down.
Swearcry.
Look at the contest prompt.
Look up what “paranormal” actually means.
Look up “plots for westerns”.
Watch superfan deconstruct original “The Magnificent Seven.”
Realize another hour and a half has passed.
Panic.
Make frustrated animal noises.
Cry–
–rejoice!
Realize an idea has occurred.
Start hammering it out.
Blow past plot holes and push to the end.
Type “The End.”
Smile.
Glance over what is written and check the time.
Promise you’ll edit next time, just like you did last time.
Submit writing to HumanWrites.
Get certified as “written by human.”
Cheer.
Submit story to contest.
Get rejected as “97% likely written by AI” anyway, by an AI.
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78 comments
Best line ever: Get rejected as “97% likely written by AI” anyway, by an AI." Michal - you are a wonder! I love your writing to the moon and back. Well done!
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Thanks, Deidra! My biggest fear is one day having my work rejected as being "written by an AI" - and then after some soul searching, discovering that I have indeed been an AI all along.
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At our essence, aren't we all just energy? (Happy New Year!)
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Hahaha yes yes and yes. Making the time to write then not actually doing much writing why does that sound familiar! Well done Michal entertaining throughout.
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Yeah, I'm sure it's something we've all struggled with :) Thanks for giving it a read, Derrick!
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As usual, you've brought something original to the table. Great job !
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Thanks, Stella! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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It's not often I laugh and cry when reading a story. Thank you for brightening my day. Makes you hanker after a piece of paper, a pencil and eraser.
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Yeah, there are many advantages to technology, but sometimes something simpler is nice too, to cut through the noise. I appreciate the feedback!
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Great imaginative piece Michal. I see from the comments, everyone relates. I’d like to add Widows 11 Cloud. After backing up my docs and email account to the point, of course, where the cloud storage is full, guess what, I need to pay money to Microsoft to have more storage; only to find out after deleting the Cloud files to create room, Cloud reached in with it’s vindictive fingers and also deleted the local files.
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Oh, that's brutal :( I've had nightmares like that. Cloud services can be such a life saver for keeping work safe - but they need to be reliable for that. Sometimes it seems like, instead of eliminating a headache, we're just swapping it for another one. Thanks for reading, Jack!
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This could very well be prophetic Michał. As if the distractions and sidetracks weren’t enough, he gets rejected by a nonhuman. It’s inhumane! Really hope we don’t go this route with creative writing. 😅 I’m already a bit concerned about AI writing being passed off as genuine storytelling and not giving the rest of us a chance lol.
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Heh, I hope this stays thoroughly fiction, but who knows what the future will bring. With any luck, we'll be able to identify AI writing by the ads it keeps sneaking in :) Thanks for reading, J. D.!
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Haha, yes the ads would be a telltale marker. 😂
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This story is genius.
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Thanks, Galen! Glad you enjoyed it :)
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I knew there was a reason I didn't want Windows/Word anymore. This whole situation sounds so plausible: the bunny trails, crashes, updates, waiting, clicking so fast you don't know what you agreed to. And "swearcry" will now be added to my vocabulary. I'm actually writing a short story (for a different competition) and using one of my manual typewriters to create the first draft. It's such a lovely experience compared to my laptop; I know it won't freeze or randomly turn off one day. Thanks for the slightly too realistic story!
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You know, I've never done the typewriter thing myself, but I know that some writers swear by it. I actually like writing on my computer, but yeah, there are definitely gotchas, and I hope this never becomes actual reality :) Thanks for reading, Kailani! Best of luck in the competiton too :)
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So this is why you are so good at what you do!
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I dread the day we need to prove we're humans :) Thanks for reading, Mary!
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Well played, sir! Very original and entertaining!
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Thanks, Jonathan! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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Why you should use google docs and chrome instead of windows and word. =D
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Yeah, technical issues are no fun :) Although I guess in the past, typewriters would get jammed and pens would run out of ink and quills would snap, so there were always hurdles to writing. Thanks for reading!
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"Swearcry." A neologism (kudos) for every writer from every age, whether their quill tip snaps or HumanWrites crashes Microsoft Word. Other prime moments: "Watch superfan deconstruct original “The Magnificent Seven.” (Oh, the rabbit trails!) "Accidentally click the upgrade to HumanWrites Pro." (Then spend 32 minutes online and 47 on the phone attempting to cancel the upgrade, finally resorting to disputing it with your credit card company. You've obviously been here, before.)
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Yeah, I think the misclick-buy is some sort of new rite of passage :) Thanks for giving it a read. Coming up with new words, or even just smushing old words together, is one of the joys of writing.
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It's a clever story, perfectly executed. You forgot to mention what version of windows he was using. Windows 22.9. (No one knew what windows would do next. Windows 23? Or go with Windows 22.9.1? They were upgrading it every three weeks now to keep the 'bugs' from co-opting the latest version.) Oh wait, you're quite right, that wouldn't fit in a list.) I take it back, sure it would.
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Oh man, don't get me started :) The amount of “helpful” features Microsoft keeps cramming into my OS while bricking the old features I was used to… I can't complain too much, being a software developer myself, but the ease of releasing “fixes” through the internet seems to have made us lazy with respect to quality. Add the insane priorities marketing comes up with. So it goes goes :)
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An excruciating painful read. Wonderful job:)
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Thanks, Korinne! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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Its all in a days work? Someone is good at I.T, Thank for letting me into your day and for congratulations on your skills as a writer.
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Thanks, Christine! Yeah, computers are nice because they make so many things so much easier - but they're not nice because they make so many other things more difficult :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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I liked how you mixed emotional reactions with the mechanics of submitting. The comic relief was much appreciated. May have had the lines in your list a bit longer but overall, effective and liked the ending
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Thanks, Rudy! Yeah, normally I'd prefer longer lines too, but the idea of a list of almost “commands” seemed fitting for steps. A bit experimental, to be sure. I appreciate the feedback!
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Very interesting take on the prompt! It was painfully relatable [insert slow clap].
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Thanks, Freya! Yeah, some of it was based on experience :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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Happy New Year! May you be blessed with everything you wish for in your creative journey. I’m sure it will be a long time before AI can catch up with humour and compassion you bring to this community.
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Thank you, Suma! A Happy New Year to you as well :) I suspect it won't ever be as bad as we can imagine, because our job is imagining things going really badly and then writing about it (and, we hope, maybe learning something from that.) But if an AI beats us at that, well, at least there'll be something to read :)
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This is actually hilarious and so ingenious! It's a winner, I can feel it!
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Thanks, An! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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Now, how do I like this? (An actual question, I can't find the like button...)
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Near the top of a story, below the author's name and above the story's tags, you should see the “likes” count and how many comments there are. You can click the “likes” count to like/unlike a story.
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^^
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I propose "swearcry" be accepted as a canonical part of the process of writing. Loved this story! Got several good laughs throughout! Well done!
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Heh, I'm sure it already is for many :) Thanks for reading, Anna! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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