Give Grace

Dealing with the death of my grandma was quite difficult for me. It caused me to have many emotional issues and panic attacks, that I choose to seek help for. See a therapist is a good move when you’re dealing with mental health issues. I remember a phrase that my therapist said that took a while to really register what it really meant to me. She said I need to learn to “Give Grace”. I thought what the heck! My first thoughts of therapy was I was just paying someone to be my friend ! I didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of it. I felt like she was always talking in some sort of code or different language that I was on a mission to try to decipher. All the while all I wanted to do was feel normal again, be able to breathe again. Not feel as if someone was squeezing the life right out of me! I tried the breathing exercises, the blowing into a paper bag until I thought I was going to inhale the paper bag! Nothing seemed to be working. I was beginning to think I was doomed. Then as we gathered at the house to make final arrangements for my beloved grandmother a sense of peace washed over me. I could finally catch my breath as I pulled into her long driveway. I was all cried out at this point and ready to tackle this next phase with the family. Just breathe I said to myself as I exited my car, just breathe.

Once inside I noticed everyone was hunched over her huge dining room table talking and looking at pictures that were scattered about. I proceeded to pull up a seat and picked up the closest picture. After looking at it for sometime I said I remember this day like it was just yesterday the room got silent. As I continued on. I looked over at my sister and said do you remember that ice cream social we went to. The one where she took us on the tour of the paper mill, showing us what department she worked in. Remember the guys that stopped working and sang the chorus to "Ruby don't take your love to town" oh how she laughed! We ate so much ice cream that day I thought I'd be sick for days! It's funny what you remember when you see a snapshot of something. The memories it brings flooding back. I told myself coming in here I could this, I had cried all I could cry but you know it always seems like when you think you don't have anymore left in you, another surge of emotions come to the surface.

For each picture we picked up that day one of us had a story to tell. From the time she would sit on her porch and video tape the tornado as it was coming through the area commenting the whole time about the high winds. To the time when she wear her big sombrero hat at the family reunion. To the picture of the angel dolls the church lady’s made from the old hymn books. And who could forget the peanut butter crunch candy, even when it was messed up it was good. Some of us liked the messed up pieces the best when grandma would dip them in chocolate they tasted like mini butterfingers oh boy did they taste so good. Or when she was one of the first women coal miners oh what wondrous stories would be told. Then there were sad stories of moving around a lot. Stories of the struggles of growing up in a home where there was domestic violence and an alcoholic father. Things that weren’t discussed outside of the home. Things were looked at differently back in the day. Times have changed the people are the same the scars are all still there just buried a little deeper now. Some stories we laughed about, some we cried, Everyone experienced an array of emotions that day.

We all grieve differently and choose to remember those that we love in our own ways. Some can't forget the good, the bad, and the ugly it took all to mold them, but they can work on forgiving . Others choose to bury the past with her, Some of us carry on the good memories leaving the bad ones in the past. Knowing we all need to be given grace at so point in life. Learn to give grace. That’s it ! That was what my therapist was talking about that was the moment of clarity for me! The ah moment of all moments. The moment that things were starting to click into place!

Sometimes it’s as simple as that, learning to give grace. There comes a time where you no longer want to live a life of turmoil and discontent. You just want to live in peace and harmony I have found the easiest way to move past things in life is to learn to give grace. It’s me saying that I understand everyone has something going on and I forgive you for lashing out at me. Instead of being just as negative as you I choose to give you grace, and not disrupt my inner peace. We are human, not perfect, we make mistakes. However, we tend to put blinders on when it comes to others and we feel that they should be perfect. We will pick a part others. Point out every little flaw they have giving no grace. If they do the same to us we will not remember that we did the same to them.

I left my grandmothers with a renewed sense of self, as if I had just solved the most complex problem in the world when in reality I had just figured out the simplest thing there was in life! I just needed to look at life from a different angle to see the solution. It was right there the whole time! That we all are being chased by own demons and need to learn to give a little grace. Yes, that’s it learn to give grace! I couldn’t wait until my next therapy session to tell my therapist that I finally got it!