I Would Have Missed

Are You There?

by Cynthia Joyner

"Are you there, God? It's me..."

You know this age stuff just kind of crept up on me. I look in the mirror and sometimes don't recognize the lady looking back at me. I wonder where the young woman went with so many hopes and dreams and exciting adventures in front of her. It's like I fell asleep one night young, strong, and spirited and awoke tired, lost, and sort of pushed off to the sidelines of my life. I once knew my purpose. I was a mother of five children, a wife, a nurse, and then a grandma and needed for so many reasons by so many people in my life. My life was full. Sometimes so full that I would cry out to God to help me because I was overwhelmed. But I always managed to be everybody's everything and always get it all done with time to spare. I would lay my head down at night knowing my God-given purpose and that I fulfilled each and every one of them to the best of my ability. I was content and thanked God for the strength that he had provided and the many Blessings he had bestowed upon me and woke up the next day to excitingly do it all again. I had God, faith, worth, youth, health, and purpose and this kept me going each and every day Even through trials and tribulations, heartbreak, grief, and tragedy I held on to my faith and kept on going no matter what. But then like a dream, or should I say a nightmare or a whirlwind. I woke up fifty-five years old. All of my children are grown, I am no longer working as a nurse, every day there is a new ache or pain that decides to hop on for this ride of my life. I am grateful for my Blessings and have not and will not ever let go of my faith. But I can't help feeling lost, unsure of what my purpose now is. It seems as though no one no longer needs me. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I have been so very Blessed and I am so grateful. I just really feel like I am now stuck, not really needed, and not sure what direction I am supposed to go in my journey. After all, "what do I really have to offer"?

Sitting on my bed that Thursday night looking across the room into my dresser mirror, I could see my reflection and the older lady with tears streaming down her cheeks. I became fixated on her. She looked so sad, so lonely, so tired and lost. I didn't want to admit that we were one and the same. But she was me and I was her. As I sat in the center of my bed I looked away from my mirror and began to cry. I looked up to the ceiling and then past the ceiling and began talking to God. "Are you there God? It's me..."

I kept my gaze on the ceiling as my tears just flowed. I cried out to God thanking him for my life and my Blessings. I began to sob uncontrollably as I talked with God and asked him one question after another. I felt so lost. I asked him why I felt so lonely, and unneeded. I prayed throughout my questions, feeling so guilty for complaining. I asked God to please show me my worth in my life now and my purpose and show me anyone that really needs me. I prayed still and cried thanking God but telling him that I needed a sign that my life still had some sort of purpose. I closed my eyes and sat still in the center of the bed holding onto my pillow and I calmly asked God to please give me a sign, some sort of sign that I do have worth in my life and to direct me in the next path of my journey. I prayed for some sort of sign that he was listening. I quietly through tears said Amen and laid across my bed hugging my pillow and drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke the next morning I felt like a new woman, I slept like a baby. I didn't toss and turn, wake up during the night with aches and pains or have any nightmares. I felt wonderful. I sat on the edge of my bed and said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

I put on my robe and slippers and made a nice hot cup of coffee, and sat down to start my bible study, which is something that I do every day. I had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath though and think because I felt different. I felt like I just had a thousand hugs from my kids and grandkids. I felt like I was twenty. I felt amazing. I looked across the living room to my picture of Jesus that hangs over my front door and quietly said, "Thank you."

Just as I turn away from the front door I hear a noise on my front porch. I walk over to the front window and peak out, not having even brushed my hair yet. To my pleasant surprise, there was a large package on my porch. I rushed to the door and grabbed the box. I was like a little kid at Christmas. I read the return address label and it was from my youngest daughter. I smiled and started tearing into the package. I cried happy tears as I opened every gift that she had picked out for me. My favorite snacks, my favorite puzzle books, warm socks, a beautiful mom and daughter book, and more. I just cried grateful, loving, and happy tears. How amazingly thoughtful and beautiful and perfect timing. I looked at my picture of Jesus and then up towards the ceiling and smiled and said, 'I hear you, God, Thank you."

It was Friday evening and I was still feeling so grateful and Blessed after receiving the beautiful gifts from my daughter. I had a mostly okay day. But was still struggling due to some financial issues and home repairs that I needed to make so I was really feeling burdened. I stopped in the middle of making dinner when I could feel myself starting to tear up over these overwhelming problems, so I went into the bathroom, which has become my office, prayer room, and sanctuary, and just looked out the window that faced the back yard and started talking to God, again. I knew that I needed to finish dinner so I took a deep breath and went back out to the kitchen. Just as was about to stir my spaghetti sauce, my phone rang. I wasn't going to answer but something just told me to answer it. I put down my wooden spoon and run to grab my phone. It was my second oldest daughter. It felt so good to hear her voice and I was so glad that I ran to get the phone. She precedes to tell me that my six-year-old grandson had been talking about me since the night before and asking if he could be brought to my house to visit because he missed me. My daughter goes on to explain that he was so insistent that she felt bad telling him that he would have to wait till she was off of work. He did not want to take this no for an answer. He kept saying that he missed his grandma and that he wanted to come and see me. He then asked his mommy to find the blanket that I left there so that he could cover up with it because it reminded him of me. My daughter found the blanket which he kept with him all day even during the phone call, which turned into video chat, where he sat wrapped up in my blanket as we talked. I was absolutely amazed by this gift of love. This is perfect timing. God's timing. To see God answer my prayer and work through my children and grandchildren to remind me that I am loved. I am needed. I do have a purpose. I lost sight of things for a bit but God had his way of getting his message to me and getting me back on track. My worth in this life may have shifted and changed but I still have worth indeed. Although my path may have changed my journey can still be amazing. God listened to me and showed me that. He is there. He truly is...