Why Have a Diary at All?

Dear love,

You have been ignoring my Facebook messages. Maybe it's because your busy working and I don't want to press you. I've been following your posts and some of them are great. The one with you at the zoo is phenomenal! Do you remember as kids how we used to travel around the country and go on some exciting hikes. Our parents… I was so proud of you. I don't want to make the wrong impression, I didn't realize you were the love of my life. It's been 40 years since… Last time we met you said you were having a difficult time and what was that nonsense about leaving the country… It was magical that standup we went to…I didn't realize it was a farewell ad your going to the States… maybe you were trying to make it personal. Having a dual citizenship and speaking English helps. I'm not sure honestly I wanted that night altogether. I'd not know who you were. Are. Please tell me it was just fun and a night for good times. I wish you well.

Last time we chatted on WhatsApp you wanted to end our relationship. I never wanted to renew our connection anyways. I hope you will understand I'm in a relationship with someone else. All I'm saying... leaving me here wasn't fair and making me feel responsible for your disability to find a life here is totally up to you. You say love has nothing to do with how I feel yet I know you cried that night I left you. Traveling the world sounds a good idea and fun… We still think about you here and although I don't see our friends as much you are missed…I enjoyed the book you gave me " Getting together to get Divorced alone" very much.

-Your Truly

Dear love,

You don't really mean it when you say, "stop messaging me, this is nonsense". I know you, you don't give up me. My girlfriend wanted to know everything about you and well… now she knows. I saw you blocked me from all social media, so I guess it's over. I stopped meeting our friends altogether, there's no point in hoping you show up… some of my friends are married with kids… it's a sight to see. I wish I could leave and start somewhere else. I tried that once and worked in a summer camp… now I'm back and working fixing small toys. It's not a career but something to do… I..I fell better now I'm over you… This will be my last message. My girlfriend and I broke up. I'm not waiting for you. As far as I can tell you were not in a relationship so far. I hope… I don't have to see you again.

-Your Truly

Dear diary,

Today I feel good. My friends say that I went through a difficult time with my breakup. I eventually quit my job. I feel like a new person. I'm currently looking for a new adventure. I found a purpose. We were together for 5 years. We were in a constant struggle… I'm happy we did. It felt true some of the time… People who don't try don't get hurt. I… She said she's living the city and will be looking to get married. I suppose I wasn't ready for that and… not my problem anymore. I'm happy I won't see her again. I wish her all the best.

The last couple week have been phenomenal. Working again is something I've missed. My friends have left the city with their kids. I try to keep to myself. I've met new people at my work. Working in a bookstore is a great opportunity to go back to writing and reading. It's been a struggle staying in town when everyone left, yet I get the chance to declare myself the champion. Only people who never left their hometown and are proud of it will understand. Fridays are busy with customers. I'll do my best.

Dear diary,

Work is good. I'm thinking about my future. I'm taking in as much as I can but it's not enough. One day I'll publish a book about me and my life and I'll be famous. I started writing about my mistakes and opportunities. I hope to be able to stick with my decisions. Lately I'm confused with what I want to publish and what I started writing for myself. I don't know what to write. I started a Novel and stopped. I'm looking for more motivation. I thought writing a Novel would be easy. It is. It's also very satisfying. I'll be very proud if it succeeds. Laytlie my dreams are coming back. My body seems to be in one with the book. Writers are a friendly club. Founding might be a problem once the book is done. First thing is to continue it. I've managed to create a opening and aroused some curiosity with publishers. This could be the beginning of a great project. It started when I was looking for something to do and I usually gave up easily, with the help of some help it might be possible. I feel obligated to finish the book. The beginning was very easy, and naturally some thought must be done. I've gone through some classes and altered my teachers once. Now I'm back to my first writing teacher. I enjoy our lessons together very much and I'm grateful of my English. I'm looking for platforms to reach out to readers, to accept reviews. I'm not totally altruistic. No one these days writes and publishes a book just for fun. I never dreamed I'm possible. I always enjoyed reading to me it's understandable. Working in a bookstore helps of course. Discussing books all day with people. Seems natural to me. While many people worry about their day to day lives writing gives me a broader perspective. I may not have a sharp style as Heminway, but It's different. Besides, once I renew my studies and improve my grades, there can be more opportunities in the future.

Dear diary,

If I've caused some concern about myself that wasn't my intention. I sometimes tend to wrap myself and people think I'm being snobbish. I'll spare you my daily encounters with friends form the past. When someone asked me to publish my diary conversations I disagreed. Even admitting to writing in a diary seemed foolish for a man. Men don't think was my first reaction. Gentle men seem weak. Even the chance of winning cash money wasn't enough. My world is not important. Everyday people get killed, people die of starvation, women get abused. My thoughts and concerns are irrelevant. Isn't writing in a diary the exact opposite of publishing a book? Isn't living a soul life without any intent of getting married a selfish act? Well let me invite you to a world where people never have the option to marry. Why would a women marry a bookstore worker past his prime? I feel cheated. In therapy I was told to learn how to deal with such emotions. For example, I worked with friends who married. Did I feel cheated or perhaps not?