I'll change tomorrow

I worked hard today. I worked so hard that you can say no one worked harder than I did. I woke up too early, and went to bed too late. At 12am last night I was telling myself to go to sleep, but I didn't listen. Did I do that on purpose? Could I have gone to sleep or was I proving that I didn't need it. Well, now I know I do. I'm going to sleep early today. 10:30. I'll be in bed by 10 and unwind by watching video essays on YouTube. Anyways, I worked hard today. I deserve this. I can go without it. Obviously I can go without it. I don't really need it, I just deserve it because I worked hard today. To be honest, I haven't felt like myself lately. To be completely honest, I haven't felt like myself in a long time. The last time I felt like myself was when I got my brown belt in karate. Everyone was looking at me as I received it, clapping, recording, yelling my name, and I felt...worth it. Like I deserved that. Just like I deserve this. Because I worked hard today. I did my job and I did it well. I don't have any time to be myself anymore, you know? I work 8 hours a day, do homework, scroll through social media, then fall asleep with one earbud on while listening to some person on YouTube who has done so much more than I have in life.

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I do deserve this though. People always say that it doesn't fix anything, only provides instant gratification, but I don't need to be fixed. I only need to be ok enough to work tomorrow. I know every day I do nothing is a day I could've been doing something. I see these people on social media doing amazing things, and I guess I tell myself that I can do that, I will do that, one day. One day, but not today. Today I have to work to pay for college, so that I can get a job that can pay for a house, and hopefully a wife and some kids. Then I can do all that cool stuff. Why do I need to change now? What difference will it make? Time still passes. I can still...become someone. Yeah. But for now, I deserve this. because it keeps me going. You can't call me lazy either. I work hard. I don't think anyone I know works as hard as me. That's why I deserve this.

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Its not that bad. Really. I'm not being changed in any way, and to be honest I feel fine. I can get through a days work and I even have enough energy to clean the house when I get home. Homework is a problem, but my mom has been telling me since I was old enough to understand words. "Get an education" "That's the only way to succeed" She was never able to, surviving on the street for most of her early life changing her whole life when she had me. My mother poured her heart and soul into making sure I change the world. Every moment I waste would be turning my back on that hard work. Am I doing enough? Am I making her proud? Struggling to maintain a 3.0 GPA in a community college? How am I changing the world? How will I ever make a difference in anyone's life, much less mine? I don't agree with people anymore when they say they are proud of the person I have become. You mean the person who has his eyes glued to his phone when he isn't working a minimum wage job for 40 hours a week? I have been the same person as everyone around me since I graduated. Where have I gone from there? What have I accomplished? I need to change something. I need to feel like myself again I'm going to do it. The internet has an answer for everything, as long as you look hard enough. I can become just like Kobe, wake up early and develop a work ethic that will allow me to succeed in whatever I can do! Nothing can stop me except for myself and all I need to do is push myself! I need to watch more of these motivational videos.

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How can I feel like myself again? I can't find any videos that give me a clear answer. Some people tell me that exercise helps, and having a solid fitness goal can get your mind in the right place. Well, that won't work for me because the nearest gym is 5 miles away and I don't have a car yet. On a bicycle that's nearly 40 minutes and I am NOT ridesharing every day. Anyways my work starts at 9 so there is no way I can fit that in. Other videos say that a good sleep schedule can help with trying to regain a sense of self, but that doesn't work either because when I try to lie down and close my eyes I can't sleep. I don't know why I just can't. Ok so this video is telling me that a key to a happy life is eating healthier, and I can't really do anything about that, as much as I want to. I live in a neighborhood where the nearest grocery store is 4 miles away and like I said I don't have a car meaning grocery shopping with my schedule is impossible. Its ok though. Once I get a car everything will be ok. Until then I can keep doing what I'm doing, and once I get a car I will change all of it and be the person I want to be. Once I get a car, and more time, and definitely some more money. But for now, I'm good. Oh lord. It's 1am. I have to wake up at 7 to be ready by 8 to get to work on time. I have a plan now though, so I'm good.