Donovan the Pine

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Donovan…………………………….…The middle pine. Adult man stands on a chair. He’s like if an annoying child knew big words. Medium height, messy hair, beady eyes but not beady enough to deflect the audience’s pity.

Jeffrey…………………………………A tree who is leader of the Bark Brigade. Short and stout. Gruff mustache. Gruff eyebrows. The square jaw of a true American. Optional southern accent.

Connie………………………………..A tree who is the psychiatreest. Old gal. Glasses. Optional Michigan accent.

Lance…………………………………..A tree who dies immediately. Hope in the eyes. Slim.

Leslie……………………………………A tree character played by a real life fake pine tree. Kinda scruffy. Not too regal, but still cute in a homely manner. 

Conservationist 1.……Same actor as Lance. A human man who likes to get things done fast. Talks kindly yet blunt. Wears a park ranger uniform. Walks like a worker, swings an ax like a worker. 

Conservationist 2………Same actor as Connie. A sweet old human lady with kind eyes and curly hair. Wears a park ranger uniform. Glasses.

Time:       Morning - 2010’s

Place: Somewhere in the Sierra Nevadas 

Setting: There is a chair to represent a stump. Donovan stands on this chair. A fake Pine tree is to the side. That is Leslie. Three other actors stand scattered about, representing the rest of the trees in the grove.

DONOVAN THE PINE

A short play by

Grayden D. McIntyre

Lights up, as the actors wiggle to standing position in plant growth fashion. The four actors as a grove of pine trees are spread across the stage. Donovan arises on a chair in the middle. They all are holding tree branches because they all are trees. Leslie is the name of a fake pine tree, stage right. They all stand in their places.

CONNIE

Good morning Donovan! Lovely sunlight this day. 

DONOVAN

Oh Connie, why me? Kiss the ass of the universe in someone else’s direction today please.

[Empty smile from Connie. Lance yawns awake, then has a sudden realization.] 

LANCE

HEY OLIVE YOU! MY BARK FEELS LOOSE.

CONNIE

Hmm. Jeez as long as you don’t pick at it you should be fine. Probably just some ants or a bird or something came through in the night and spilled their oats on ya.

LANCE

You’re right. Thank you. [Brief pause before violently slumping to the ground. Is dead.]

EVERYONE [In melodramatic unison] 

LAnce iS dOWN!

DONOVAN

Bark beetle. 

[All the other trees gasp. Donovan turns to Jeffrey.] 

DONOVAN [cont’d]

...Come on Jeffrey, didn’t you say that the elite soldiers of the Bark Brigade were adequately combating these beetle scum? Look now! Beetles have infiltrated our grove! Inadequate Bark Brigade! Inadequate Bark Brigade!

JEFFREY

I don’t have to respond to that.

DONOVAN

I had a dream last night... It was giving ‘all the strange things I’ve told you in confidentiality’... [Contemplation.] I was chilling with your parents in my dream last night. Having a beer, y’know. You weren’t around. Too busy gossiping, and I’m tired! My heavy eyelids meet the waterline.

JEFFREY

Jesus, Donovan. Actually, if it do please the court, you’re the one always sayin’ stupid random shit that made no sense. You were just copying Lance! Lance was funny as shit, and quick too, but NOT. YOU. You’re just plain crazy, shit. You’ve always had the most hollowest wood of us all! Go get your own personality, shit-guy.

DONOVAN

Don’t you dare bring our recently bereaved into this, bestie. Remember in Seventh Grade?? That was SEVENTH GRADE, Jeffrey! Grow up! Seventh Grade! Now you and Leslie are both popular and I’m shunted to the side and told not to speak. Well look at me now, I’m speaking. Look at me now, I’m gonna be a pop-star!

JEFFREY

Oooh like I know exactly what you’re tootin’ on about. you just think your sooo talented just because you have a- just the slightest way with whatnot or whatever. Newsflash! You should just join the tree brigade like me! Why don't you try something physical and be a man! You’re being a hollow stump that no one wants to know!

DONOVAN

Wow. Just– WOW! ok. Well I reckon you haven’t noticed my 15 fans on Soundcloud? Or what about my hot babe girlfriend [gesture at Leslie] Leslie or whatever! All you do is stand there and pretend to fight in your gruesome primitive sport. You're the one taking the easy way out! You didn't even have to APPLY for the Bark Brigade, you just let a recruiter persuade you…

JEFFREY

Leslie don’t wanna talk to you, haven’t you seen? She’s still twigged out about your weird dancing talent.

DONOVAN

That was seventh–!...Leslie... is this true? That was over ten years ago, don’tcha know?

[Everyone looks at Leslie for three seconds or so.]

JEFFREY

She still doesn’t want to talk to you okay? Get on with it. Get outta here.

DONOVAN

Peel me a grape! I’ve still got it… [Defensively swooning] When the sun sets in the west and I turn from the east to see the red of the sky reflecting all up and down her soft damp bark…

[The other trees, except partially for Connie, halt attent because they are disinterested.]

DONOVAN

And the breeze lightly shifts her needles, and the stars fade into place one at a time in her distance, I just know that she is where my heart belongs. Every day as she works to replace this world’s grimy air with breathable oxygen, I work to stretch my roots toward hers so I can hold them so tight.

JEFFERY

Shut UP! 

DONOVAN

Jeffrey why are you so mean to me? Why must you ridicule me with your every glimpse. I feel your scowls. Why can’t you bear even to glance at me?

JEFFREY [Stonewalling]

You suck.

DONOVAN

I just want to be your friend again.

JEFFREY

Well that’s not what’s gonna happen. People gossip for a reason, Donnyboy. Fix yourself if you wanna be cool. I’ll let you join, or at least support, the Bark Brigade as a start.

DONOVAN

I do not want to join your inefficient military club. All you really do is drop pine cones on animals and scream all day. I’m not crazy. You’re the one who’s crazy for thinking those grunts in the Bark Brigade are capable of anything good. 

JEFFREY

[Defensive pause.] 

nO! [turns and compassionately begs at Connie] Connie, for the love of Cypress, can you please help this freak?

DONOVAN

[Gasps then continues challengingly.] 

YEAH Connie I dare you to come tell me how crazy I am.

CONNIE

Don’t worry, if you ARE ‘crazy’ I can help you get better. After all, I am a psychiatreest. 

Donovan

[Turns to Connie.]

And why does everyone think I’m crazy?

CONNIE

Nobody thinks you’re crazy, Donovan. I’m here to help you understand that, and to help you overcome whatever -other- problems you may have.

DONOVAN

I don’t have any problems. I don’t need your help. Jeffrey needs your help more than I do probably so why don’t you go manipulate HIS mind?

CONNIE

[Gently chuckles.] 

There will be no mind manipulation. Like I said, I’m here to help you figure out what you need to do to get better.

DONOVAN

To get better from what? I told you there’s nothing wrong with me. [miniature sigh, then sincerely] I give up on you.

CONNIE

Oh Donny, don’t say that...

DONOVAN

It’s true. I give up on ya!

CONNIE

No you don’t!

DONOVAN

I give up on YOU! [throws a rock at Connie] My heavy eyelids meet the waterline alright...

CONNIE

UGH I give up on you too then Donovan you little pinwheel-weasel.

DONOVAN

Fine. Good. 

[Donovan turns away and ignores everyone. He slouches down to sitting, with his chin in his hands.]

CONNIE

[Whispering to Jeffrey.] 

You should go easier on him.

JEFFREY

Why? This is not my fault.

CONNIE

Because he- 

[Donovan peers up and starts to listen in secret.]

CONNIE (Cont’d)

Well I shouldn’t be telling you this…

JEFFREY

Tell me! It’s okay I promise won’t tell anyone- that you told me. [brief evil grin]

CONNIE

[Raises an eyebrow, then continues even quieter] 

Alright. He shows all the signs for Schizopinea. 

[Connie shrugs her shoulders helplessly.]

JEFFREY

Oh what-now?! Oh gross! I knew he was crazy but not clinically. I’ve gotta- [Eyes open wider as he halts his statement.]

[Donovan’s eyes open wide too but out of reflective fear, and he frowns in denial. He quickly returns to ignoring them so they don’t see that he heard them.]

CONNIE

Now, you better not tell anyone!

JEFFREY

[Grinning another slightly evil grin.]

I won’t.

[Jeffrey turns away, Donovan notices the silence and goes to spark conversation with Leslie.]

DONOVAN

Hey... so I was thinkin. [stands back up] I guess I could give treatment a shot. I don’t think I’m crazy, but I’ll give it a shot.

CONNIE

[Smiling like true therapist.] 

Oh, good! What convinced you? Last we spoke you threw a rock at me… 

DONOVAN

Oh y’know… just have been thinking.

CONNIE

So how have you been feeling lately?

DONOVAN

Regular.

Connie

And how do you mean by that? 

DONOVAN

Not crazy.

CONNIE

I see. 

JEFFREY

[Whispering offstage to the Bark Brigade in secret.] 

Hey Bark Brigade! You guys won’t believe this- Donovan has Schizopinea can you believe it? Maybe that’s where the bastard gets his dancing skills from. 

DONOVAN

Can you medicate me without a diagnosis? Just to see what would happen?

CONNIE

Well... There has to be a diagnosis on paper. We can pretend in real life that you don’t have whatever I write.

DONOVAN

But I don’t have whatever you write!

CONNIE

-Yes of course you don’t.

DONOVAN

Good.

CONNIE

[Pulls leaf out from pocket.]

Would you like me to tell you what I write?

DONOVAN

[Pauses.] 

Hmm. You better not. It’s just a lie anyway.

CONNIE

[Writes down something on LEAF.] 

Okay. I wrote it down. Let me go check my sap reserves. 

[Connie turns around to reach in her purse. She freezes up then falls over.]

DONOVAN

-What the... 

JEFFREY

[To Leslie.] 

Did Connie just die of bark beetle??

JEFFREY AND DONOVAN [In melodramatic unison]

ConNie iS dOwn!

[Donovan snaps his fingers and turns to Jeffrey.]

DONOVAN

[Mildly crazed.] 

You got some sap? 

JEFFREY

Please don’t talk to me. Still. For Real.

DONOVAN 

[eerily monotone.]

If I fill out a Bark Brigade application will you give me some sap? 

[Snaps his fingers.]

JEFFREY

Why do you think I have sap? 

DONOVAN 

[Creepily.] 

I don’t know. Military access? Just asking.

JEFFREY

[Shudders.] 

You gotta get away from me, man. Me being in the Bark Brigade with international access to things and maritime law means nothing to a civilian like yourself. Bugger off. 

DONOVAN

AGH! My heavy eyelids meet the waterline. [Monotone shifting to unhinged.] Give me the sap or I’m going to… I’m gonna murder you! I have it on good authority that you told the entire Bark Brigade that I have Schizopinea!

JEFFREY

So what! You do have it. There’s the proof right there in Connie’s purse. She wrote a diagnosis!

DONOVAN

IT’S NOT REAL! IT WAS JUST TO GET ME THE SAP! I DON’T HAVE SCHIZOPINEA! SHE DIDN'T GET ME THE SAP ANYWAYS SO IT’S BASICALLY USELESS IT’S JUST A SCRATCHY LEAF NOW.

JEFFREY

Oh, but you do have Schizopinea, and that leaf is medical documentation of it. 

DONOVAN

OK IF I HAVE THAT THEN GIVE ME YOUR DAMN SAP, YOU SNEEZE!

JEFFREY

If you don’t calm down I’m going to sick the Bark Brigade on you. I told you I don’t have any sap. 

DONOVAN

GIVE ME THE SAP DRUG I WILL CUT YOU. I WILL SNIP OFF ALL YOUR BRANCHES ONE BY ONE. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND I’M TOO CRAZY. 

JEFFREY

Woah now! This has come too far. You know what? I’m going to have you committed. Or maybe I’m going to have you killed right back! I’m calling the bark brigade this instant!

[Jeffrey takes a step toward the Bark Brigade area in prep to summon, then looks down at his legs in fear of what he had just done.]

JEFFREY

[Painfully.] 

Bark… Beetle.

[Jeffrey takes another step to his death as he falls over and dies.]

DONOVAN

[Starts out melodramatically but ends airing psychopathically intense almost as if he’s asking a question but he’s not.] 

JEFFERY IS DOwn.

[Donovan looks around at all his dead fellow trees almost longingly, then turns to Leslie.]

DONOVAN

Hey, lady… Looks like it’s just you and me now. You got any… sap?

[Donovan pauses for Leslie to say something. She doesn’t say anything.]

DONOVAN

That’s ok if you still don’t want to talk to me. I will love you no matter what you think of me. I guess we’re not dating anymore. I can come to terms with that. This is sort of a one sided relationship, if I’m being honest. No offense- I didn’t mean to accuse you of not playing your part as a good partner. 

[Donovan pauses for her again.] 

No? Ok. Can I tell you something? I want to run away from here. I always have. The grove is too much for me. Everyone is always watching me. Maybe they will watch me less if I get some medication though. Maybe if you just gave me some sap. I know you have some, I’ve seen you at the parties.

[Lance and Connie sneak off stage, leaving their BRANCHES on the floor. They change into conservationist outfits. They are now different characters. Lance is Conservationist 1, Connie is Conservationist 2.]

Donovan

Well I guess none of this matters, because It’s not like I could run away even if I wanted. I got a stump for legs. 

[Donovan points at the stump (chair) and laughs a sad laugh.] 

The grove’s all dead now. There’s no one to watch me. [regret creeps across his face] You can keep your sap. Just please talk to me. 

[He pauses to search for her eyes] 

I’ve always loved trees. I know I am one... so this is strange to say. But I really do! I love learning about how our minds work and I love how green we are. I hate our grove community and society but I love to learn about it. I guess I wanted to love Jeffrey. He was my best friend yet he wouldn’t let me. I love YOU Leslie. You’re all I’ve ever loved, aside from arbory. Thank you for listening to me and for letting me love you. You give me hope. There’s not a lot of that around here nowadays. My heavy eyelids have just about met the waterline.

[Two conservationists walk in. Donovan is curious and perplexed. They have a CLIPBOARD and some MEASURING TOOLS that they are using to measure the fallen trees on the ground. They don’t look at Donovan.]

CONSERVATIONIST 1

Yep. Looks like the beetle came through here.

CONSERVATIONIST 2

Look at all this carnage... 

[Conservationist 1 walks over to Leslie and starts taking her measurements. Donovan watches in fear. They don’t notice him.]

CONSERVATIONIST 1

Be right back I’m gonna get the ax from the truck. This one’s got it too. 

[Conservationist 1 points at Leslie as he walks.]

[Donovan lets out a tiny whimper. Conservationist 1 walks off stage and comes back with the ax.]

CONSERVATIONIST 1

TIMBERRR! 

[He swings and topples Leslie.]

[Donovan screams a mind melting sound. The conservationists jump because they are surprised. They look up at him.]

CONSERVATIONIST 1

Somebody’s up on that there stump! We should get him down immediately!

CONSERVATIONIST 2

Wait a golly minute there– he looks familiar...

CONSERVATIONIST 1

That’s the guy in the newspaper! He’s that eco terrorist who escaped from the psych ward! I don’t know about you… but I’m gonna call an ambulance.

CONSERVATIONIST 2

Is that… Donovan? Hey donovan! What are you doing up on a stump! Hey it’s me, Conservationist 2! Remember me? I used to be your therapist before you tried to drown- [quickly corrects herself] got admitted. I retired soon after because I got tired of not being able to prescribe and now I’m a conservationist, kinda like you! I just don’t go chaining myself to trees and whatnot. I heard that your friend Jeffrey was shipped off to the military recently. That must be hard for you. 

DONOVAN

[faking a southern accent now]

[with growing displacement] Wha- I’m not a man on a stump, I’m a tree… what! That’s my legs down there you’re talkin’ about. You cn hear me? You guys chopped down my love! How are you communicating with me? GET AWAY GOVERNMENT WORKERS! - You look familiar. My heavy eyelids… Where am I? - LISTEN TO ME! 

[Donovan looks around with disturbed and very open eyes, and starts murmuring all the grove member’s names as his chaotic energy recedes into an overwhelmed shock and incomprehensible murmuring noises. He collapses. The murmuring continues for the rest of the scene.] 

CONSERVATIONIST 2

It’s ok Donovan, we are here now. You’re a human. Everythings gonna be ok, you’re a human. 

[She looks toward Conservationist 1.] 

CONSERVATIONIST 2 [cont’d]

Hey Conservationist 1 come help me get this poor sap down. 

[The conservationists reach up and safely get him off the stump (chair). Donovan still is murmuring indistinguishably. They help him walk offstage. Fade to black.]