The Defective Cog

“So, what’s the good news you had to tell me face to face?” Jake asked, sipping his coffee. 

Ashlyn wrinkled her nose at the sight of his drink, so diluted by milk that it was a preposterously pale shade of brown, barely a coffee at all. Even though she’d seen Jake enjoy this offensive concoction countless times, she was still repulsed by it. 

“Well,” she said with a smirk, dragging out the word to prolong the suspense, “I just happen to have won the fantasy story contest held by Words of Wonder Magazine, with my short story about the creepy faery.”

Jake’s cup clattered on his saucer. “Oh my gosh, Ashlyn, that’s amazing!”

He seemed to want to get up from his seat, to do what Ashlyn wasn’t sure and didn’t want to consider, but ultimately decided against it. 

“Does this mean you’re officially a published author now?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

A wide grin broke out on Ashlyn’s face, and she stopped herself from imagining how unprofessional and undignified she looked. She couldn’t help the waves of bliss that surged from her heart. For years she had worked for this, plotting out stories in the quiet of the night after an arduous day at work, surviving on mere hours of sleep and a large dose of caffeine. She had suffered through rejection and failure, and now, at last, she had found success.

“That’s so great!”

Jake’s hand manoeuvred around Ashlyn’s cup of black coffee, clasping hers tightly as though to let her feel how excited he was for her. Ashlyn’s heart fluttered, but Jake appeared unaware of touching her, his glittering eyes still latched onto hers. 

“I know. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I received the email from the magazine, informing me that I’d won.”

Ashlyn’s voice was steady and clear, the way she spoke in court, but Jake knew from the flush of her cheeks and curve of her lips that she was ecstatic. She was just the kind of person who was always in control of herself, an unwavering anchor at sea, while Jake was like the sea itself, untamed and turbulent. 

“You should have told me beforehand that this wasn’t the usual type of good news, like winning a case or something. We could have gone to the Three Little Pigs for a drink.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes but remained smiling. “Don’t be ridiculous. I have work tomorrow.”

“Who cares about work?” Jake exclaimed, flinging his arm out dramatically. “You’re a published author now. Can’t you just, I don’t know, quit your job? Start writing full time?”

Ashlyn raised an eyebrow. “You know the prize money is just a thousand dollars, right?” 

“But still,” Jake started, scrambling for a reason to get her to celebrate for real when he was interrupted by a ding from Ashlyn’s phone.

Ashlyn chuckled softly as she peeked at her phone screen. 

“What is it?”

“My colleagues are getting hammered at a birthday party, even though it’s three in the afternoon. At the Three Little Pigs, coincidentally.” 

She showed him a photo of her colleague striking a dance pose, her expression crazed. The photo was accompanied by a voice message, which Ashlyn played for the both of them to enjoy. 

Asshhhlyynnnn, a woman screeched, her voice slurred. Electric music and shouting boomed in the background. It’s a pity you aren’t here because you just missed the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in my life! The boss just tap danced on a bar stool and fell, but he’s okay. Anyway, I hope you’re having so much fun with your boyfriend you won’t be too jealous of me. Don’t expect to see me at work tomorrow because I’ll be in bed nursing my hangover with a tub of ice cream and… The recording ended abruptly with a squeal and a smash.

Jake traced the pink blush creeping up Ashlyn’s neck. Tearing his eyes away from the smatter of freckles on her collarbone, he asked in a tone of false innocence, “Boyfriend?”

Ashlyn shook her head, averting his gaze. “I’ve told Jessica more times than I can count that we’re just friends, but she simply refuses to believe me. It’s like she can’t accept that platonic relationships can exist between a man and a woman. She maintains that there’s obviously something ‘fishy’ going on when a divorce lawyer hangs out with her former client three years after his case has been settled.”

Suddenly aware that she was rambling, Ashlyn clamped her mouth shut. At the back of her mind she knew that Jessica had a point; Jake was the only former client she kept in touch with. He had sent her a text thanking her profusely for helping him win his prized frog mug, which had evolved into sprawling messages about their ambitions and doubts and regular meet-ups at cafes. 

“That’s what my friends say too! They’re always like, ‘Jake, why are you still seeing that lawyer of yours if you’re not dating her? You’re not planning on getting divorced again, are you?’ I don’t understand why we can’t just be friends.”

“Exactly,” said Ashlyn with perhaps a tad too much enthusiasm.

She was keenly aware of how close their hands were. She remembered the warmth of his skin, her quickening heartbeat, and felt her cheeks redden. It didn’t make sense, these thoughts she’d been having more and more of lately. They were just friends, as Jake had said, friends who met once a week, and becoming more than that would mean allocating more time for him than she could afford. She had goals to achieve, documents to draft, cases to settle. Anyhow, she was sure these thoughts were just a whim, and it wasn’t like Jake was thinking along the same lines. 

Jake herded their conversation back to Ashlyn’s win, sensing the tension lingering between them. Or maybe he was imagining things.

“What’s next, then? Will you try to publish the full-length novel you’re working on?”

“Maybe. I haven’t thought about that yet. I never expected to win, and it feels like… I know this sounds cliche, but it feels like a dream come true.”

Ashlyn had screamed into her couch cushion when she got the email, then immediately she had called Jake, wanting to schedule an extra meeting. It only occurred to her now how strange it was that Jake was the first person she thought of calling, rather than her family or friends of more than a decade. 

“I sadly don’t have a glass of wine, so I’m going to make a toast with this empty cup. To dreams coming true.” 

Ashlyn clinked her cup with his. “Speaking of dreams, have you landed the promotion you’ve been eyeing yet?”

Jake sighed, and she instantly regretted asking. “I don’t think I’ll be getting it. I was so close to selling this condo, but then I was late to an open house the other day because… well, I got wasted the night before, and I wasn’t my usual persuasive, charming self.”

“The house didn’t sell?”

“The family decided that they weren’t interested after all.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, did your night of inebriation involve a girl?” Ashlyn’s stomach clenched, not quite wanting to know the answer.

“In my defence, she was a beauty. Emerald eyes, billowing waves of golden hair, a graceful and elegant figure…”

Jake trailed off, his gaze roaming over Ashlyn’s intent, grey-blue eyes, then her mouth, tilted downward in a disdainful frown. Amelia was objectively the more attractive woman, yet Jake thought he would trade a thousand kisses with her for just the barest caress of Ashlyn’s cheek. His hand twitched and he curled it into a fist. He reminded himself of the scar Rosa had slashed across his heart when she’d told him she was divorcing him because she had fallen for someone else; it was mostly healed but now and then it throbbed and burned. He was done with the kind of love that hurt. The bubbly, ephemeral pleasure of relationships that lasted a week or two was perfectly harmless, and enough to nourish him. 

“Jake?” 

Ashlyn’s voice yanked him from his thoughts, bringing him back to reality. 

“Yes?”

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you? I suppose I’ll have to start all over again. I was just telling you that you should pick a reasonable date for your unrestrained behaviour, let’s say…”

Ashlyn lectured him for the remainder of the evening, Jake clinging onto every word.

When she next spoke to him, it was to ask for his opinion on a bizarre comment she got on her recently published story. 

A: What do you think of this: ‘Immersive writing and interesting ideas about the danger and excitement of the unknown, but the faery’s violet eyes were unacceptable. Couldn’t finish.’

J: A valid criticism. Violet eyes are the ultimate turn-off. What were you thinking?

A laugh slipped out of Ashlyn, unbidden.

Half of her body lounging on the desk opposite Ashlyn’s, Brianne mumbled, “Just get together with him already.”

“We’re just friends,” Ashlyn said reflexively. 

Still severely hungover, Brianne didn’t hear this, or had chosen to ignore it. “Buy him a frog blanket or something, as a romantic gesture, and tell him that your love for him knows no bounds,” she said before cackling at her own words. 

“Jake doesn’t like frogs,” said Ashlyn matter-of-factly. “He specifically likes the baffled looks of the frogs on his mug because they remind him that life is confusing and that’s the way it’s supposed to be, which makes him feel better about himself.”

Brianne scoffed. “Can you believe this woman?” She said to no one in particular. 

It took Ashlyn a while to figure out what she meant. A few minutes after mulling over it, she got a message from Jake.

J: Are you free to meet up tomorrow evening? I know we usually meet on Fridays, but I have absolutely nothing on my schedule tomorrow, and was wondering if you could save me from boredom.”

Jake had read over the message several times before sending it. Was it too awkward, too desperate? Would Ashlyn think he was too needy and gradually distance herself from him? But after Amelia had texted him, wanting to see him again, Jake perceived that the only person he wanted to see was Ashlyn. And the more he tried not to think about her, the more insistently her face hovered in his mind, which made him feel like a creep. He yearned to see, instead of imagine, Ashlyn smile and laugh as she talked about her latest success.

A: Oh, so I’m just a filler for your nonexistent schedule?

Jake grinned, taking that as a yes. They chatted some more before deciding to meet at their usual place at the usual time. 

“I think most people who read my story enjoyed it,” said Ashlyn the next day, still not believing that she had agreed to meet Jake when there was so much paperwork awaiting her at the office. “With the exception of one or two who took offence at eye colour, of course.”

“What’s the funniest comment you’ve received so far? The one about the violet eyes will be…”

Jake froze, staring fixedly at something behind her. 

Ashlyn turned to come face to face with Jake’s ex-wife. 

“Rosa. Hello.”

“Ms Conner.” Rosa nodded at her before walking towards her ex-husband with a genuinely warm smile. “Jake, I’m glad you’ve found someone at last.”

Jake nearly spilled his drink. “Ashlyn’s just a friend. We’re not together, or, um, married. I… uh… why are you here?”

Rosa scrutinised both of them intensely.

“I’m visiting a relative. I didn’t think you would want to see me, but… oh well. Jake, step outside with me for a moment, would you?”

Jake scowled involuntarily. Even after their separation, Rosa was as bossy and imperious as ever.

“Think of it as a gesture of thanks. I did give you the frog mug, after all.”

“Ashlyn won it for me,” Jake corrected grumpily, but followed Rosa outside, more confused than annoyed.

“Why on earth are you just friends with that woman?” Rosa asked the second the door swung shut.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“I saw the way you two looked at each other. You were so engrossed in listening to her that you didn’t see your ex-wife walking into the cafe.”

“You were spying on us?”

“Just observing while I had a cup of tea.”

“For how long?”

“Long enough to know that you’re being a fool.”

“Look,” Rosa continued, voice softening. “When you were with Ms Conner, you had that glow on your face. It was the same glow you had when we were first married. When we were happily in love.”

Jake’s heart caught in his throat. He’d been trying to convince himself that what he felt towards Ashlyn was just physical attraction, fleeting and fickle, but Rosa had shattered that illusion with ferocity. After his divorce, he’d thought he could protect his heart, but Ashlyn had wormed her way in. She was the only person who could tear it to shreds, and he was completely at her mercy.

“Okay, maybe what I feel for her is more than platonic affection,” said Jake, feigning casualness. “But I’m not doing this again. I know better by now.”

“This?”

“Opening myself up to heartbreak.” Jake found that he was choking out his words, holding back tears. 

“Oh, Jake. I’m sorry I broke your heart.” Rosa was uncharacteristically flustered. “But that’s how love works. You don’t know if it’s going to last. It can bring the greatest joy and the greatest pain.”

“You’re one to talk. You’ve never experienced heartbreak before. The moment you fall out of love with one person you fall in love with someone else.”

“Jake, Steven and I broke up.” Rosa’s eyes brimmed with moisture. 

Had they still been married Jake would have embraced her, but now he wasn’t sure how to comfort her. He ended up saying, as sincerely as possible, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine. I mean, it’ll be fine. I’ll heal. But I told you that because I want you to know I don’t regret being with him, or you, even though neither relationship ended well. The pure bliss of being in love is always worth it. You can’t be happy without taking risks.”

“I’m perfectly happy now.”

“Are you?” Rose narrowed her eyes, and Jake turned transparent, all his thoughts and emotions laid bare.

“Are you happy in your relationship with Ms Conner? Can you truly say, if the two of you continue to be friends, that you’ll have no regrets?”

Jake thought of the torment of restraining himself from touching her too intimately for hours while they sat opposite each other, how he was missing a piece of himself when he wasn’t with her. 

“I doubt she feels the way I do,” he said, which was an admission in itself. “She always has a handle on things, while I… don’t.”

“She wouldn’t be seeing you if she didn’t appreciate your spontaneity, your wildness. And I saw how she looked at you. She’s into you, I promise.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“A woman’s instinct.” Rosa smirked. “Trust me on this. I know our breakup wasn’t pleasant, but I do want the best for you.”

Jake stood still for a moment. He wasn’t happy now. As much as he told himself he didn’t need it, he wanted that intoxicating joy of being in love again. He would willingly break his heart rather than stay in this rut, if it meant a chance at that experience with Ashlyn. 

He rushed back into the cafe. Ashlyn stared at him curiously.

“Ashlyn,” he gasped, out of breath though he’d only run for seconds. His words flew all over the place. “Look, I haven’t been honest with you. We haven’t been honest with each other. I’m sick of being ‘just friends’ with you. I’m sick of seeing you once a week. I want happiness that lasts longer than a night, and I want to be happy, truly happy, with you.”

Jake stopped when he saw that Ashlyn’s eyes were wide, her irises quavering. 

“Jake, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, I’m just not looking for that kind of a relationship right now…”

Abruptly Ashlyn grabbed her purse and hastened out of the cafe. Jake remained motionless for a beat before he came to his senses and hurried after her. 

“Ashlyn!” He yelled, catching up to her with a hand on her shoulder. 

She swivelled, clutching her purse like it was a lifeline. 

“I know what I said was shocking and scary. But I don’t want either of us to lie to ourselves anymore. If I’ve totally misinterpreted the situation and you don’t feel the way I do, then just say so, but if not…”

It was his desperation that broke down Ashlyn’s walls. 

“You’re always messing up my plans, you know,” she said, her panic giving way to hope and yearning. “I thought I had my whole life planned out- I was going to be a wealthy lawyer and then a successful author- but I never factored love into the equation. You’re like a defective cog in the machine of my life, forcing me to make time for you, but I think… I want you to unravel my life. I want you to tear down all my routines and schedules. I want the machine to collapse at our feet.”

Jake was too stunned for words. He felt like he would fly if he jumped. In the end, it was Ashlyn who spoke. She was indeed always the one who had a handle on things. 

“What do you say we go back inside for an actual date?”