The Most Scathingly Brilliant Plan of a Lifetime

   The Plan of a Lifetime

Suzanne Marsh

October 1964

“I have the most scathingly brilliant plan!” It seemed every time I said that my cohort Meg cringed. It usually meant some sort of plan; to annoy the nuns. The nuns in turn decided we were the devil’s spawns. This particular plan was going to sabotage the choral music we were forced to sing every Monday. I love music just hated the choice of music. Who in their right mind would sing Chumbara? I will tell you who, Mr. Masters the choral director. No one would ever call him handsome, he at times reminded me of a horse I rode. Mr. Masters at one time might have been a phenomenal choral director but his glory days were over with by the time he got to St. Mary’s Exclusive School for Girls. Back in the 60’s that simply meant it was an all-girls school.

Meg and I decided that our first attempt at sabotaging Mr. Masters would be to sing as loud as we were able and more importantly to sing off key. That was a lost cause before we even started; a good portion of the choral sang off key to begin with. Although I did wonder how he put up with the noise until I Mother Superior tap him on the shoulder, and he removed his ear plugs. This was not going to be an easy thing to accomplish. Ear plugs what a blow that was to our egos. We decided there had to be a better way. Just exactly how, well with my fiendish mind and Meg’s mousey behavior it could work.

Then my mind began to kick into high gear: why not cooperate with several juniors and seniors, who disliked the songs that were chosen. There were three I had in mind: Midge, Carol and Divinia. These three along with Meg and I were about to set Mother Superior and Mr. Masters on their ears. We all decided that if we were going to pull this off, we would have to plot the scheme now. There were always several ways to annoy Mr. Masters and that was where we began our plot.

The following Monday, choral practice in the auditorium. Freshmen went in first, then sophomores, juniors and last but not least the seniors. I never could understand the reasoning for the freshmen having to go first but then again, the rules were almost set in stone. The nuns like everything in order so we decided to spread the word that the freshmen would leave first, followed by the juniors, sophomores next and finally the seniors. Talk about a stampede; it took six nuns and Mr. Masters to fix the mess. That just added more thoughts to the game plan. The nuns were so unsuspecting, and we were so horrible.

We began to devise our plans in earnest toward the end of March; after all this was going to be our greatest feat yet. Midge, who saw me as her younger sister, decided that it was now time to place me under her wing and teach me all she knew about driving the nuns insane. We met that afternoon across the street from SMEGS; it was a restaurant called the Royal Host. We had been going there for meetings of our secret planning committee. Now it was time to think of how best to sabotage the Spring Music Concert.

“Meg, the nuns won’t think anything about your being in the band room, after all you do

play the flute. Your job will be to stuff cheese into the horns. Don’t do any real damage

just enough to cause a problem.”

“Are you insane? Mother Superior has been watching that band room like a hawk watches a mouse.

a mouse. I only have three years left here.”

“Don’t worry you will make it; we all will graduate on schedule one way or the other.”

“Carol, when the madrigals are on stage, we will all sing off key. Listening to them rehearse

that is not a difficult thing to do.”

“Divinia, we have a special part for you. Do you remember the day we saw Mr. Master’s ear

plugs?”

“Oh, no, I can’t put cheese on the end of those strings.”

“No, that is not what I had in mind. We are simply going to wet the sponges on the ear plugs

they will swell and we expose Mr. Master’s for the phony he is.”

Now Midge got to me:

“Lucy, your part is the most important. You are in charge of the lighting; I still think that

is Mother Superior’s way of watching you. Here is what I want you to do:

“First, I want you to flip the lights off just after Mother introduces the first selection

Second, I want you to do some shadows to entertain the nuns, you know which ones?”

I did know that shadow she had in mind; I had broadcast that over the PA system it went like this:

Some girls sit like this (legs crossed)

Some girls sit like that (proper sitting position)

But girls who sit like this (the middle finger) get that like that.

Now that everyone had their part to do the meeting was over. We had four weeks before the concert and we planned to make sure it went smoothly for us not the nuns.

Operation Sabotage was now officially underway.

The first phase of the operation was simple; Meg had brought limburger cheese. That cheese smells nasty and stuffed into the horns section; it would certainly smell. Meg finished in record time; most of the band members had already gone home. They had to be ready to march on stage at six o’clock in the evening. The band had rather unflattering uniforms they were the school colors maroon and white with white tennis shoes. Meg hated the sight of them.

Carol was in place in the Madrigal’s robe, once again that too was maroon and white. Singing off key was not difficult for the four Madrigals. Carol had gotten together with the other three girls, and they of course were more than willing to sing as loudly as possible and as far off key as they could get.

Divinia, waited as casually as possible waiting for Mr. Master’s to head to the john. Sure, enough about five minutes before the concert was to begin; Mr. Master’s made his deposit. Divinia, snuck into the dressing room. It took her several minutes to figure out where he kept his supply of ear plugs. She moistened them carefully and placed the top pair where she had found them. Divinia, never one to leave well enough alone, decided that she was going to moisten all of the pair; that way it was goof proof.

Finally, it was yours truly’s turn. I waited patiently for the band to begin to play. No noise came out of the brass section; the smell however was overpowering. I flipped the switch once I was sure the band was safely on stage. Then I turned on one small light and did the shadows. I could hear from dad snickering. Mother however was not snickering; she was in high gear and Mr. Master’s walked out on stage yelled: “I quit!” That was one plan of a lifetime.