What Have I Done? Through The Eyes of a Child

I was at work talking with a friend the other day about my eldest son. He had been missing for three days. He was upset days before he became missing. He had called me and told me his issues with him trying to see his children and not being able to provide for his kids. But this has been very unusual for my son to be missing this long, without any contact with me or his dad. And he went out to pick up his baby boy and never got him. I was distraught. No phone calls, no messages, not even a Facebook post. The last time he disappeared it was a day or a day and a half, and he has some type of communication with me, his Mom.

My son and I suffer from major depression, with suicidal tendencies. So when my son came up missing for three days he had the whole family checking police stations, hospitals, and areas where he was last seen, but it was like he disappeared off the face of the earth, because he wasn't at any of these places.

As we were looking, and as the days were going by, I was remembering the time of my last episode, as I was telling my friend about the time I tried to commit suicide on September 19, 2012. My husband and I had very harsh words with each other, we had been having problems within our marriage and through that year it seemed he didn't care about me or love me, there was no communication, no intimacy, it wasn't even that look that he had just for me, he changed and I was getting the brunt of doggish attitude towards me, but, his words were harsher and very hurtful, and I ended up on the ruff end of the stick. The things that he said to me tore my heart and soul apart. At that time, I had always tried to express my emotions to him and he would just stomp all over my heart and emotions. I felt worn out, everything I had bottled up inside, and no one to talk to or to help me through it. I felt alone. On this particular day, I guess this argument was the last straw for me, afterwards I returned back into the houses from the outdoors. I came in and sat at the table in front of my fireplace. I was numb, I felt as if I was floating, not walking to the table.

After I sat down, I saw myself standing next to my sitting self, Myself starting talking to me, telling me, that I was not needed anymore and that my children will be alright and taken care of without me. It also said, that my husband doesn't care about me or love me anymore.

Now, as I am listening to myself, I look on the table it was a prescription of thirty Ambien pills, that I had filled a couple days ago. It was behind some stuff on the table, but as I look at the stuff that is on the table, it seems as though the bottle of pills moved itself front and center on the table. Myself then told me to go ahead and open the pills and take them all, you are tired of what you've been going through, it's time to rest. So with tears in my eyes, thinking about all the pain I've experienced in my life, losing my Mom at fifteen, my baby, niece, and nephew dying in a house fire, losing my grandmother who raised me and my siblings, I went through drug addiction and now this, I took all thirty pills.

After I had taken all the pills, I tried to write something, but then I blacked out. When I awaken, it was three days later, in the hospital, and my throat was sore, from where the doctor had hit me, to see if I was faking being unconscious. I was like, I failed at my suicide attempt.

So now I started getting visitors. My sister came in first, she was very angry with me. She said she wanted to kick my ass all over the ER, but I wouldn't wake up, she thought she had lost me. Then she told me the impact that it had on my boys, she said that I had traumatized them. She said that they were screaming and hollering, my Mama is dead because they were the ones that found me unconscious on the table. She told me my eldest son shook me and my arm dropped as if I was dead.

After hearing this, I was really hurt that my sons had to see me like this, I had to see my boys before they send me to the mental hospital for observation. So my sons and my husband came into the room, my husband couldn't look at me, and I didn't care about what he thought, but it was my two boys that mattered. I talked to them and told them that what I had done was not okay. It was a coward's way out of dealing with my problems. It was other ways I should have dealt with my issues. I made a promise to them I would never, never, ever do that ever again. And ask if they could forgive me and that the next time I feel this way again, I would talk to them when I'm down. They hugged me so, so, tight, that they didn't want to let me go. I had to go to get the help I needed.

So now my eldest son, tried many times to commit suicide, or disappear, I feel, what he is going through, I really feel, this is all my fault, and I wish they never found me in that state of depression or that low in my life. I feel he wouldn't think that's okay to do this to himself. So I keep fighting to keep him alive today, because of my actions back then, this is all my fault, I'm so sorry my Baby Terry, love you!