Mother's day

I heard the phone ringing, in my gut I knew it was my sister.

"Hey sister, what's up"

"Can you be here tomorrow." She asks.

" I can be there after work." I say

"Well sis, you might want to come as soon as you can."

"Why sister?"

"Sis, it's best if you're here."

We both sat in the longest silence of our lives, until finally she spoke.

"Moms tumors came back cancerous, and this time the doctors can't reach it."

We've been waiting a while for this news, except it was supposed to be good news. I'm speechless, yet a million thoughts raced through my mind.

"Hello!" "Are you still there?." She brings me back, from my thoughts.

"I thought they got everything out? "They said no more cancer!" I stamper.

"No sis, they didn't. You need to come to mom's house when you can, so the whole family can talk."

Hospice is here now. None of us were ready for the conversations we are about to have. I remember every detail about that day. The rectangle kitchen table we sat around. The pale wood grain, the burn mark my mom tried to hide. The fruit bowl she always kept filled with bananas. And that stupid ugly table runner she always had to use. How I hated that table runner. So many breakfasts and dinner were had here. The long, deep conversations we shared. Those huge dinners we prepped here. Now all of that seems so pointless, and it just feels empty now. This dim lighting, even though the sun was shining so brightly that day. "Why the hell is it so dark in here" that heaviness in the air, that weighed you down. I almost can't breathe. The hospice nurse was sitting directly across from me. Her brown wavy hair fell to her shoulders, her sad but caring eyes, her soft, calm voice as she spoke. Is she crying too? I don't even know her name and to this day I still don't remember it. Yet her compassion and selfless love have sat with me my whole life. She was an angel guiding us, we just didn't know it yet.

"Why are we here?"

"Well honey, you see, your mom only has two weeks to live. I'd like to go over the process and steps of a loved one passing., with each of you" My middle brother storms off angerly, leaving my sister, older brother and myself with the hospice nurse.

"Does mom even know?"

My older brother, whose trying to be responsible and strong for all of us, calmly but sternly tells us "no, and we're not telling her. It'll just upset her more"

My mom is no more than 15ft away from us. Laying her hospital bed we have set up for her in the living room. You can hear the machines pumping air into lungs, she looks like she's peacefully sleeping.

"You know she can hear us, right?" She can hear us, but she can't speak.

"Now we need to talk about when she dies, how were going to handle this: do we resuscitate her or let her pass? The vote was 3-1! "Bring her back" they all agreed. "Why?" Is all I could ask. "Why??" " What do you mean why?" "Yes!" "Why bring her back?" "Shes suffering and she doesn't want to live her life on a machine!" Do we bury her or do cremation. "We bury her!" "But she wanted to be cremated, she's always said this." So funeral arrangements were made to bury her.

The hardest moment is choosing if someone should live or die. Always wondering if you've made the right choice. You have to believe you did or your mind will eat at your soul for the rest of your life!

Today's Mother's day. It's only been a couple days since we've talked about my mom's last two weeks with us. Everyone is here. The whole family. My mom's having a really good day, today. But lately, those good days seem to be getting shorter and fewer in between. Since it's mother's day and mom is doing so well we've let her make the choice for dinner. She asks for lobster, southern style BBQ ribs, potatoes with extra butter and corn.

My big brother made her lobster, he didn't say it but you could tell he was proud. My sister and sister in laws and myself cooked the rest of dinner. As the kids ran through the house without any cares and the men sat on the front porch. My mom was always old fashioned like that, the women cook and clean and the men wait to be served by us. I could never conform to her ways, but at her house I had too. Surprisingly, my mom eats all her food, and by herself, at that! WOW!! We're all shocked, because lately all she's been eating is mushy foods, which we've had to feed her. "Is she getting better?" The angel reminds me "no sweetheart, she's not. The closer to death they become the more you think they're coming back." "Be strong sweetheart, you guys need each other."

Later that night we waited til all the kids fell asleep.

My brother finally asks "mom, when you die, what are your wishes? To be buried with your family in Michigan or do you want to stay in here, in Texas with your family?"

She screamed "I'm not fucking dieing, don't ask me that shit" she was scared and you could hear it in her voice.

"Mom, we have to talk about this."

"Well, I'm not dieing, so I'm not talking about it."

So we all just sat around her in silence, silence that seemed to last for hours. But really, was only minutes. No one knew what to say, we just looked at each other sadly but patiently. Finally mom spoke! "How long did the doctor say I have to live?"

"Mom" we're not talking about that!" "How long did the doctor give me? This is my life and I have a right to know!" I couldn't hold back tears any longer "how long dammit?"

"Mom he said two weeks."

That moment I saw fear, pain, and regret in her eyes. This woman, I've never seen her scared in my life. She's always been strong and fearless. Now her tears started falling as my family moves closer to surround her bed. She can't quite get her questions out. Finally we hear "when did the doctor say this?" "about four days ago, mom."

She cried, she cried so much in that moment, releasing every emotion she had through her tears. She's just 55 years old! Her grandchild would be born anyday now, would she get to meet her, her kids growing old without her, her husband being alone when she's gone. So many thoughts and emotions filled the room. And you could feel the sadness, blanket everyone in the room. Our hearts were heavy, and our heads hung low. It was so hard making eye contact with anyone, what could you possibly say to make this situation better. There's nothing. The fighting was over. But we fought so hard, and for so long. How could we have lost?. No one understood why?

The cancer riddled all through her, and the chemo ate away at her body. The dementia had already started setting in and was getting worse and worse, as the days past.

I'm surrounded by such strong people, some I've never seen cry, but today no one was strong. Our faces red and our eyes bloodshot and swollen. Within the next 4 days she had slipped into a coma, yet her eyes fluttered back and forth. She started calling out names of people who have passed away already. She had conversations with her father who died when she was just a little girl. All while in a coma! That day we all faced death together, for the first time, except my mom, she faced death for the last time.

Her passing came peacefully.

And now, every time I see that alluring yellow butterfly on a beautiful sunny day, I know it's my mom letting me know; everything will always be alright.