She Just Wanted You To Understand

Evelyn used to be smart.

She used to be at the top of her class; one of the smartest girls in school. Every school year, she would be the recipient of the Principal’s Award for maintaining an overall 4.0 average. She was involved in two after-school extra-curriculars, which often resulted in her staying at school until 6:00 pm almost every day. She had a part-time job too, as a retail associate. It wasn’t much, and she didn’t work crazy hours, but it was enough to save some money for university tuition. Evelyn was a high achiever, worked part-time, was student president of her school, and participated in the drama program. She lived a busy life.

Her parents valued education. They thought that a good education would lead to better-paying jobs and eventually a fulfilling career. Every so often, their hard-earned money would be set aside for her for Evelyn to use in the future. Whether the money was to be used towards university tuition or college residence, it was there to provide Evelyn an opportunity to advance her education.

Evelyn didn’t mind the pressure she was feeling from her parents to continue her education. She wanted to go to university. She wanted to study psychology for her undergraduate degree, and then she would continue and complete a Master’s degree in counselling. That was the plan, at least.

A month before her first year of university, Evelyn found a small apartment. With the help of her parents, she moved into her new home. She was excited to begin a new life, to make new friends and to live independently.

But she wasn’t expecting that university would be hard.

Her first school year was alright. She attended all of her classes and made a couple of surface-level friends. Slowly, it became hard to focus, though. Her grades weren’t as they used to be. A 3.01 average is an arguably stable GPA, but Evelyn didn’t think so. She grew very disappointed in herself, which ultimately was the beginning of her academic downfall. She began sleeping in until noon most days, hardly leaving her little apartment unless she had a class, not washing her dishes when she finished eating or cleaning her space when it needed to be cleaned. Dirty dishes would stack up in the sink and soon be scattered around her room. Soon, showering became such a daunting task and she would only allow herself to eat if she was productive in completing an assignment.

It wasn’t entirely her fault, though. Living alone, even if it’s with roommates, is a lot harder and lonelier than media makes it out to be. Very soon, there became too many assignments for her to keep up with. Her to-do list was just becoming longer and longer, with no end in sight. Because everything just felt like it was too much to handle, she just would procrastinate everything until the VERY last minute, and would only scrape by with a mark over 50.

When summer came, it got a little better. She moved back to her parents for those four months. She got a summer job, and got back into a routine. She would take herself to the park when she could, or take walks around her block.

It got better, she got better.

She had to move back to her apartment at the beginning of September for her second year. Leaving her parents was rough, it’s always rough. No matter how old you are, saying goodbye to your parents is heart-rending.

For about two months, Evelyn was solid. She started to experiment with different kinds of environments to study in, developed an evening routine, and kept up a steady meal schedule.

But that didn’t last long. Evelyn felt herself beginning to slip; slipping into her old patterns. It began with destroying her sleep schedule, and it wasn’t long until she would only have one slice of buttered toast to eat for the day. She would spend all of her time watching television, or doom scrolling on her phone. She would skip class and would reassure herself that she could afford to miss it. But missing one class, turned into missing an entire week, which turned into an entire month.

You see, Evelyn had subconsciously connected productivity with fulfilling her basic needs. In other words, if she didn’t work on an assignment, she wouldn’t shower or eat, because she didn’t feel that she deserved to. It sounds insane, but this is how her brain worked.

Evelyn would spend hours crying. She felt like she was going insane. She felt like an imposter. She felt like she was not good enough and undeserving of what she had.

When December arrived, she had stopped trying altogether. She had stopped submitting assignments and stopped going to class.

It wasn’t long until the emails started to pop up on her phone. It started with one, then two, then three, then too many to count. Some of them were from her professors, asking for her assignments and expressing genuine concerns for her. The others were from the school’s automated system, detailing her course failures and threatening to remove her from the program.

It soon became apparent that she wasn’t allowed to enroll in the second semester. She had been kicked out of university. At first, Evelyn felt relief. She felt a large weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. It wasn’t until when she went home for Christmas break, that Evelyn realized that she had to break the news to her parents and that they would be very upset with her. Evelyn had two weeks filled with opportunities to break the news, but she chose not to. So, whenever she was asked about school by her family, she would lie.

She continued that lie, that she was still attending university. It wasn’t hard, she just had to make up little white lies here and there. It was a lot easier than actually attending university, but Evelyn knew she couldn’t keep up the facade forever.

Spring came and went. Summer came and lingered, leaving fall to be non-existent. Winter, was awful. Evelyn knew something had to change. But she was stuck, stuck in her self-destructive habits. Everything soon became too exhausting to handle.

When December hit, Evelyn decided to tell her parents the truth. Partly because she felt guilty about her lie, and partly because it was her way of admitting her need for help. She went home for a week. The change in environment was a nice change for her. She got to sleep in her childhood bed, got to eat home-cooked meals with her family, and even took her dog for walks around the neighbourhood.

She planned to tell her parents after dinner one evening; when they were both home from work and her brother was away. Evelyn didn’t exactly have a plan in mind with how she was going to phrase it, all she knew was that it had to be said.

“Evelyn” her mother began with a gentle sigh and a slightly concerned glance to Evelyn’s father. All three of them were sitting at the dinner table. Her brother, who was close to Evelyn in age, had an evening class to attend and was absent for dinner. They had just finished eating and were about to clean up the kitchen.

“Your dad and I wanted to check up on you, to make sure everything was okay. Is everything okay?” Her mom asked. Her voice sounded tired but there was a hint of hostility to her tone.

“Because you’re looking different than when we last saw you. Your acne has come back. You’ve lost weight and you seem so subdued” she continued.

Evelyn nodded, almost instinctively, with a small smile before taking a small nervous sip of her water. Evelyn’s appearance was the least of her worries, even though hearing those judgmental comments stung. Her mother didn’t intend for those comments to hurt, she just had no other way to express her worry. “Um, actually, there’s something I do have to tell you” she said as she placed her glass down on the table.

“Um-” she stalled, her voice already beginning to waver. This was met by an impatient sigh and a mumbled ‘oh god’ from her mother. Evelyn took note of her mother’s annoyed demeanour but did her best to ignore it and continue.

“School’s not so good, actually” Evelyn mumbled. She wasn’t looking at either her mom or her dad, but at her glass of water. Tears began to well in Evelyn’s eyes, but she tried to swallow them away. There was no response from her mom, so she interpreted that as an invitation to continue talking.

“I…um….haven’t been going to classes—” Evelyn’s voice was shaky and it was hard to form coherent sentences. A tear rolled down her cheek and she pulled her sleeves over her hands. “—and I’ve been failing my assignments—” she continued, still no response from her parents. Evelyn took a deep breath before saying what she said next:

“—I’m not in my program anymore” Evelyn swallowed harshly, building up the courage to finally look at her mother. Her eyebrows were furrowed in a tight line and her mouth was slightly agape in shock.

“I don’t understand” Her mom snapped. “Why are you not in the program anymore? Did you drop out?” she spoke in a harsh tone.

Evelyn shook her head. There was a short pause before Evelyn spoke again. “Kicked out” she corrected quietly, removing her gaze and returning it to her lap. She shifted a little uncomfortably in her seat.

Her dad cleared his throat. “How come you stopped going to classes?” he finally asked. Evelyn just shrugged before opening her mouth to speak. “It just got too hard and it was all too overwhelming”.

Evelyn’s mother abruptly stood up from her seat, clearing her plate from the table before walking to the kitchen. There was tension as she moved, and it was very evident that she was frustrated.

“What was hard about it?” Her dad pressed.

Evelyn stuttered before she was able to respond, “Everything, Dad. I don’t know how to explain it. The assignments were too hard, I didn’t understand the content. Classes were boring. I couldn’t do the readings, there were too many assignments and I didn’t have time to eat or shower, and it was just all so overwhelm—” There was a purposeful crash of dishes in the sink that stopped Evelyn from talking. Her mother was standing by the sink and her face reflected the feelings of frustration.

“Enough! Evelyn, stop talking” she spoke angrily and looked up to face her daughter.

“Why would you stop going to class if you were struggling?! Why didn’t you ask for help?! What were you even thinking?! I don’t understand. You’re good at school! You’re so much better than this. What the hell happened?” she screamed.

As she screamed, tears were rolling down Evelyn’s face. Her breathing was shaky and uneven as she cried. She didn’t respond to her mom, because Evelyn felt so much shame.

Her mom’s mouth tightened with anger, and she aggressively turned on the tap to wash the dishes. Her mom always would aggressively clean whenever she was overly upset and couldn’t control her emotions. But it wasn’t long until the tap turned off, and she returned to yelling at her high-achieving daughter for failing out of school.

“You think that I like to work at my job?! Hmm? I go to a job that I HATE every single day to earn money to pay for the roof over you and your brother’s head, put food on the table, AND pay for you and your brothers’ education, which you threw all away because ‘class was boring’! 30 fucking thousand dollars, Evelyn. Do you understand how much money that is?! My only joy in this world is a shitty boxed wine I buy once a month because that’s all that we can afford! Your dad and I work our asses off to make sure you can go to a good university to get a good job but THAT’S all gone now. You are lazy and you are ungrateful.” She spoke the last sentence with such clear hostility like she was saying a threat.

Evelyn continued to cry. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was now having trouble breathing. Evelyn didn’t want to disappoint her mom. She loved her so much. She felt so saddened, guilty and heartbroken. All Evelyn wanted to do was disappear. Feeling rejected by someone who’s supposed to love you unconditionally is such a heartbreaking pain.

“I-I’m s-sorry” was all Evelyn could choke out through her tears, glancing at her father. Her dad didn’t say anything. He was still sitting at the table, but he was staring down at the surface, ashamed. This wasn’t the first time Evelyn’s mom would scream at her that she was ungrateful, and it wasn’t the first time her father failed to stand up for his daughter either. It’s a tricky thing to maneuver; how can you stand up to your partner in front of your child?

Evelyn’s mom didn’t continue. She just returned to washing the dishes, clattering away as she worked.

Evelyn silently stood up from the dinner table and wiped her cheeks. She walked up the stairs to her bedroom, re-packed the bag she brought with her, slipped on her shoes and ran back downstairs and out the door to catch the next train to her apartment. She needed to get away.

______

Two days later, Evelyn received a phone call. It was her dad.

She picked up the phone, but she didn’t answer.

“Evelyn?” her dad’s voice appeared on the other line.

“Hi dad” She responded meekly before sitting down on her bed and glancing at the clock on her bedside table. 9:00 pm, it read. She was still in her pajamas and hadn’t gotten dressed or did anything the entire day. She only had eaten a single piece of buttered toast that day.

“Your mom and I-” He sighed deeply, his voice wary. “We’re sorry for how things happened, we didn’t want it to happen like that,” He said.

Evelyn swallowed deeply before clearing her throat, aimlessly twirling a loose thread that she had found on her comforter around her index finger.

But it did, Evelyn thought. And you didn’t say anything while she was screaming at me.

“Evelyn? Are you still there or did I lose you?” her dad asked. His voice was tentative and full of caution, but reassuringly gentle.

“I’m here” Evelyn spoke quietly.

She could hear a heavy sigh from her father on the other end. He didn’t speak for what felt like a long time. 

“Listen, bug-” he began. And just like that, hearing that three-letter pet name Evelyn’s father had called her all of her life, she crumbled. She had let go of all the feelings that she was holding onto; all the pain she was feeling. She silently cried while she listened as her father spoke.

Evelyn’s dad was her favourite person in the world. She loved him so much, and wouldn’t dare want to disappoint him, even if she already had. But in opposition to what her brain was telling her, Evelyn could never do that. She was her dad’s proudest accomplishment.

“-There is absolutely nothing that you could do to make me disappointed in you, okay?” Evelyn’s father voice was unsteady and precarious but he spoke in such a calming tone.

Evelyn nodded in response, even though she didn’t think so. She wiped a tear from her cheek. “I’m sorry…” she spoke quietly, her voice failing her. It was evident that Evelyn was trying to think of a response that wasn’t an apology.

Her dad didn’t reply. There was silence on the other line. Now, it was Evelyn’s turn to think if the connection was lost. Finally, he sighed heavily.

“After this phone call, I need you to go hop in the shower, wash your hair if you can, put on some pj’s and head to bed, can you do that for me?” Her dad said. There was the faintest sense of pleading in his voice, but he spoke with quiet confidence and ease.

His voice always brought comfort to Evelyn. Just hearing him speak or spotting him in a crowd was enough for every string of strength inside of her to collapse into a million pieces. She loved him so much.

“….yeah” Evelyn responded quietly with a slight nod, wiping her nose with her sleeve.

She stood up from sitting on her bed and walked to her bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror as she spoke on the phone. The bags under her eyes were dark. She looked paler than usual, and her hair was a mess.

“Tomorrow’s a brand new day to try again, my sweet Evelyn” her dad reassured. “I’ll call you again tomorrow around the same time, does that work for you?” He added.

Evelyn nodded before opening up her mouth to speak. “Yeah, it does” she sighed gently with the smallest of smiles. Her dad was trying, and it felt nice to hear that she wasn’t alone.

They said their goodbyes and told each other that they loved each other before they hung up. Then, Evelyn began to get ready for bed. She didn’t look at her phone once that evening. Instead, she made an effort to calm her mind. She took a long hot shower and washed her hair. She lit a candle and turned off the lights before she changed into her pajamas. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair and crawled into bed.

The basics of self-care made her feel so much better. It wasn’t long before she drifted off to sleep.

Tomorrow’s a new day to try again.