Behind the Smile

Warning: contains themes of bereavement, suicide and mental health.

Behind the Smile

This was his favourite time of day. The start of his first shift with a second to look forward to later in the afternoon. He donned his high-viz jacket and headed out the door, grabbing his lollipop on the way.

He liked to arrive early to greet the children as they arrived. He knew their faces would light up when they saw him, “Mr Parker!” they would shout with beaming smiles. He would let the group waiting to cross build up before moving into the road to stop the traffic. He would then wave them across, each child stopping for a high five. He couldn’t remember when this tradition started but it had been going on for so long now, local drivers knew what to expect. They never bothered to blast their horns, waiting patiently instead.

He never planned to become a lollipop man, as a young lad he had wanted to become a doctor. It was all he ever dreamed about and, after earning his medical degree, that’s exactly what he became. He wanted to save people. God, he had been so naive back then. He had wanted to save people, to make a difference, and he did. Except when it mattered the most.

He was married at twenty-three to Mary, the most beautiful woman he had ever set eyes on, and he had loved her for every minute of every day. Almost two years after they wed, their son, Will, was born, completing their little family. He smiled to himself as he thought of those early years. They had been so happy.

The headaches started when Will was seven and were soon followed by nosebleeds and bouts of dizziness. He had known something was wrong, so hadn’t wasted any time in getting Will assessed. He pushed for tests and second opinions until the diagnosis came. “Leukaemia.” Mary had fallen to pieces, but he went straight into practical mode. He remembered discussing Will’s options. Asking for timescales and likelihoods. He was a doctor. If anyone could fix this, it would be him. He would bang on every door until he had the best on the case. These were memories he rarely allowed to surface. Instead, they were kept pushed down and locked away. Even now, over forty years later, the pain was unrelenting.

Will was the bravest soul he had known, facing each battle far better than he ever could. There was one particular day that affected Will more than any other. It was a school day. His usual teacher was absent. Will had been coming back in from morning break when the supply teacher boomed, “No hats indoors.” snatching Will’s cap off his head. His loss of hair, and now loss of dignity, all too clear for the other children to see. The supply teacher realised her mistake and hastily put the cap back on Will’s head, but the damage had been done. Will lost some of his sparkle that day. He often wondered what the supply teacher was doing now and if she ever thought of his son.

Will didn’t live to see his eighth birthday. He died two weeks before. Mary had bought all of his presents, always hopeful, but they remained unwrapped. Will wanted a Magna Doodle so badly, he thought they were the bee’s knees. Afterwards they couldn’t bear to give it away, so it still sits on the chest of drawers in Will’s bedroom.

They tried to make sense of life afterwards, but it could never be the same. When he woke each morning, for that split second between sleep and consciousness, it was as if nothing had happened. As if heartache wasn’t waiting for them. If only they could hold onto that split second, but it always remained out of reach.

Mary never recovered. Neither of them did but Mary’s health was affected. He always said Mary died from a broken heart. She gave up on herself. Lost the will to live. He tried. God knows, he tried. He was being strong for the both of them, it was probably the only thing that kept him going, but it wasn’t enough.

He was thirty-four when he lost Mary. That was when he had his breakdown. He turned his back on his career, on medicine. How could he carry on saving others when he couldn’t even save his own family? He was a fraud and was done living a lie. He had nothing left to live for anyway. He drank too much, cut himself off from his friends and began wasting away. Mary and Will haunted his every waking thought and sleep only brought nightmares. He tried to take his own life but couldn’t even get that right. In hindsight, he wasn’t sure if it hadn’t been more of a cry for help. That help had come in the form of a volunteer support worker called Kevin. It turned out Kevin was a hero. A slightly chubby, balding middle-aged hero who undoubtedly saved his life. The pain of losing Mary and Will would always be there but Kevin taught him how to live with that pain and find purpose again.

And that is how he became Mr Parker, everyone’s favourite lollipop man. This job is what brought purpose back and had done for over thirty-five years. There’s no way he could have returned to medicine. His faith in that was gone.

“Mr Parker!” Mr Parker!” turning to the child, he smiled - hand in the air.

Many of the children from the earlier years were grown with families of their own. It was their children that he now crossed over.

“Hey, Liam. Where’s that high five? Don’t leave me hanging.”

“I bet you’ll be glad to get home for some peace, eh?” It was Liam’s mum.

“No, love. I’d be here all day if I could.”

He meant it. After all, what was there to rush home to other than a ticking clock and ghosts from a life he no longer had.