Pilot

AN: My first story - it's bad

Warning - 1 swear word (censored) (i felt it was necessary to prove how much the passengers hated john) and very fun (?) humor.

1

Hi everyone! My name is John. Today, I would like to talk about my dream job.

I would like to be a pilot! Can you imagine how high they go and what the world looks like from up there? I bet it's so amazing to look down at the tiny cars and see all the buildings and trees all the way in space. One day, when I get to be a pilot, I'll fly my plane over our school and throw candy at you guys!

The best part about being a pilot is the front of the plane. There are so many little buttons to press that make the plane fly! I would love to sit in the big comfy chair and press all those buttons one day.

But my dad tells me being a pilot isn't easy. I'll have to work hard at school and get 100 marks on every test. But, I believe I can do it. This is the end of my presentation. Thank you.

2

Thank you all coming to celebrate with me as I embark on my journey as a pilot.

Being a pilot is my lifelong dream. I actually gave a speech on it in Primary 1 talking about how I wanted to fly big planes in space, throw candy at my school and push every button I can see. Most disappointingly, I found out I had to be an astronaut to fly big stuff in space, and I failed the requirements since I had 4 degrees of myopia and not 3. (Screw NASA)

I probably can still get to press every button and flick every switch (yes, even the eject button) - it’s just a matter of time. Anyway, the last few years have been a whirlwind of learning everything there is to know about flying safely and skillfully. From long hours in the simulator to navigating real cross-country flights, I'm grateful to all of the wonderful instructors who helped me earn my wings. I wouldn't have done it without the love and support of my family and friends. To Mom and Dad, thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me along the way. Thanks to all your support, my hard work has finally bear fruit.

It will be an honor and privilege to transport people through the skies. The sky is truly the limit as to where this journey will lead me next. Wish me luck — I’ll need it. Thank you.

3

It is such an honor to be able to stand here today as John’s best man. For those who don’t know me, I’m Peter, John’s good friend and co-pilot, and I am delighted to witness the marriage of John and Emily.

I still remember our first flight together like it was yesterday. John was as green as the fields below but had more natural talent and passion than pilots twice his experience. It didn’t take long to see he was destined for greatness amongst the clouds. And through all our adventures in the skies, John never ceased to amaze me with his skill, courage and heart.

Now, John has found his co-pilot for life. Emily, your love and support helped craft John into the exceptional pilot he is today. With you by his side, I have no doubt your journey together will be fruitful and happy.

To John and Emily, may your marriage soar to heights . Bon voyage and tailwinds to you both, forever and always. Now let the celebration commence – this flight has earned a perfect landing. Thank you!

4

Good morning passengers, this is your captain speaking. First I’d like to welcome all of you on board Flight 71a flying from Austin Texas to Hong Kong China. We will be cruising at a max altitude of 31,000 feet at a max airspeed of 400 miles per hour. The time now is 9 am and the weather is currently fine. We should be facing no problem at all and with the tailwind on our side we might even be able to land 10 minutes in advance. (Passengers cheer) The weather in Hong Kong is clear and sunny at a beautiful 25 degrees and if the weather cooperates we might get a good view of the city as we land.

This is actually my first flight as a pilot and I am extremely excited. I hope we can all land safe and sound. The cabin crew will come around 15 minutes after takeoff to offer you our overpriced snacks that nearly no one buys and only after purchasing an item of at least 60 dollars will you be able to access our only inflight movie Deadpool and Wolverine. Please take care of your belongings as we will evenly distribute the items you leave behind among our staff who are more than happy to take your wallet and buy some toothsome Hong Kong delicacies.

As we await the control tower orders I’d like to read you fun facts 1 to 10 on my captain’s manual: How to Fly A Plane. (Passengers mutter)

Fact number 1: Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the Earth look bigger, whereas pulling it makes it look smaller. If you pull for too long however, the Earth will look extremely big. (Passengers mutter anxiously)

Fact number 2: The oxygen masks don’t provide oxygen; they’re just to muffle your screams. (Crowd gasps)

Fact number 3: The propeller is just a really big fan to cool me down when I’m flying. If it stops, you will see me sweat excessively. (Passengers groan)

Fact number 4: Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes. (Passenger screams, “NO S**** SHERLOCK!”)

Fact number 5: When the plane crashes, all passengers are required to say “FIRE IN THE HOLE” at the top of their voice. You may then proceed to (optional) put one of our overpriced sausages in your pocket so the search dogs find you first.

Fact number 6 — oh. It seems like control has cleared out the runway for us to take off. I’ll talk to you before we land — either to say “we’re about to die” or “we’re about to live” — it depends. This is Captain John signing off.

5

Hello hello hello! We’re about to live! We are 5 minutes away from landing at Hong Kong International Airport. Now fasten your seatbelt and don’t go to the bathroom — your lives are in my hands. If any attendants inform me somebody has stood up without my permission I will proceed to fly to North Korea where you will all live immoral as Kim Jong’s playthings. (Passenger screams in the background: “Screw you, John!”)

Until then, sit back and enjoy the rest of your flight.

6

Good evening passengers this is your captain speaking, i’m John Lewis, and I’d like to welcome everyone on board Flight 104c flying from London to New York City; we will be cruising at a max altitude of 30000 feet and at an airspeed of 430 miles per hour. We are currently second in line for takeoff and will be taking off in about 7 minutes’ time. The time is 19:00 and we’ll uh arrive at New York City 30 minutes ahead of schedule (don’t question). The weather will be a thunderstorm so we’ll probably have some issues with the tailwind. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight.

Just so you know, this is my last flight before my retirement and I am looking forward to this flight and hopefully seize and treasure this moment while it lasts. I'll talk to you again before we reach our destination. Until then, sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the flight.

7

Good morning everyone it is 3:45 am and we’re 5 minutes away from the US seas. This will be the last announcement you hear from me and from anyone for that matter, so listen up. (crowd mutters uneasily)

As you all know this is my last flight before my retirement. It will also be my last flight before I die. And ever since I was a kid, I’ve dreamt of being a pilot, throwing candy at my school, seeing buildings from space, and pressing every button in the cockpit. I’ve accomplished my first dream 30 years ago; and I got to throw candy at my school — just not on a plane. That leaves seeing buildings from space and pressing every button in the cockpit. The former is impossible since you have to be an astronaut, but the latter is definitely feasible. In fact, before this flight, I’ve counted the number of buttons and levers I haven’t pressed or flicked. Four.

One, the engine fire handle. (pulls handle) (the steady whirring sound of the fuel engines quiet down, aircraft starts descending at a worrying speed) This one shuts off the flow of fuel to the engines, denying the fire its source.

Two — the Emergency Gear extension handles. They unlatch the emergency gear and prepare us for a landing, whether it’s deadly or not.

Three, the ditching button. (presses button) (air inlets, valves, and aircraft side opens) To prepare us for death.

Four, the oxygen switch. (flicks switch) (oxygen masks drop) As I’ve told my passengers on the first day of work, they don’t give you oxygen; they just muffle your screams.

Thanks again for having me as your captain today; goodbye everyone, and thanks for letting me fulfil my American dr-

AN: It's my first submission, and it's bad -- I know, it's bland, it's vague, it's just overall all over the place. I was just hoping the Reedsy community could give me some tips on how to improve -- thanks to everyone who've read my story up to now.