The Truth About Home

Where I come from does not exist anymore. The people are gone, the buildings are gone, the pain is gone. It's a good thing, where I come from, has no bearing on my life anymore.

Where I come from, is a very small town in rural Arizona in the 1970’s and 80’s. I was five when we moved there, and my mother said I hated it from day one. She always said children adapt, they learn to love new places, new people, new adventures. Not this child, not me. It was hot, it was dirty, and it was scary. I did not like it.

Where I come from, was filled with venomous snakes, spider, lizards and scorpions. You had to check your shoes before putting them on and shake out clothes to make sure nothing was in the sleeves. You couldn’t walk barefoot or climb in trees for fear something would bite or sting you. I did not like it.

Where I come from, mountain lions and packs of coyotes came out at night. They ate your pets and made scary noises, they looked in the windows and roamed on our property. I did not like it.

Where I came from, it got as hot as 120 degrees in the summer. We didn’t always have electricity because of storms or any money to pay the electric bill so we didn’t always have a way to keep cool. Everything was brown, dead, and dry. I did not like it.

Where I come from, my father drank too much and beat my mother. She was in a wheelchair but was still as strong as a bull and she fought back. Which meant one time he hit her, and she stabbed him seven times. There was always screaming, crying, yelling and hitting. I did not like it!

Where I come from, we didn't always have money for food, or school clothes, shoes, and toys. Yet, somehow, there was always money for beer and cigarettes. Our cars didn’t always run, and my father didn’t work, and we were stuck in the middle of nowhere. I did not like it.

Where I come from, was so remote we would literally find dead bodies while playing in the desert. We lived so far from the real-world criminals would drive out and dump bodies. The desert was always full of bad smells and bad things. I did not like it.

Where I come from, I watched my mother get and beat breast cancer. She did it mostly alone. My father drank and ignored her. She struggled through a mastectomy, and the chemo. My mother threw up constantly with help from no one. I did what I could. I did not like it.

Where I come from, I never fit in, was always teased for being the fat girl. We lived in such a remote area that we had to be bused to the nearest high school 20 miles away. The town was full of rich people and we had to constantly endure the teasing from the rich kids about where we were from, the clothes we wore and how poor we were. I cried, hid and tried to be as small as possible so I could not be seen. I did not like it.

Where I come from, was filled with toxic people, that made me sad, feel bad about myself and make me want to disappear. Everybody drank, smoked and numbed all the pain they were in from years of abuse. I did not like it.

Where I come from, was not all bad. I had an incredibly strong mother. She kept going, no matter what life threw at her. She raised 4 children from a wheelchair after contracting polio at 23 years old. She had a 4^th child late in life when her other children were fourteen, sixteen and eighteen. Her husband drug her from her beloved New York to a Godforsaken hole in Arizona, she fought cancer, poverty, and abuse and she kept going. My mother went to college before the American Disabilities Act and asked cute boys to get her wheelchair out of the car for her. She was a rock. She taught me to be strong, funny and resilient. I loved her a lot. I liked what she taught me.

Where I come from, I had an adult sister that lived next door with her husband (one of the toxic people in my life) and my niece and nephew who were more like my siblings. My niece was my best friend. We had sleepovers and occasionally got to go to the movies. Most of the time growing up we were all we had. She was and outcast too, for opposite reasons of me. She was too thin, had frizzy hair and food allergies other children teased her about. We had each other. I liked that.

Where I come from, my mother, father, and brother-in-law are all dead. My sister, who was the backbone of our family for years lives in a memory care facility with advanced Alzheimer’s. My niece picked up a lot of the toxic habits of my other family members. She has a drinking and gambling problem and has been cut out of the family for stealing money from multiple family members and abusing her children. My nephew has a beautiful family, and we are still close. It’s easier now that most of the toxic people are gone. You don’t realize how much stress toxic people put in your life until they are gone. I like that the stress is gone.

Where I come from, was a place I wanted to escape as soon as I could. I moved back North, got a good job, fell in love, filled my life with people who made me feel like I fit, got married, bought a house and had kids. I grew as a person and learned where I come from, was not all the great, but that’s ok, because where I am now is all mine and I do like it. Very much.