I tried, I failed

There’s something. I know there’s something. This can’t be it. It can’t be it. I have dreams, you know. I wanted things from life. This is the dream? The great life I was promised, where the hell is it? I promise, I swear, I’ve looked. Where did you find yours? I can’t keep looking forever. I’m too tired, I just can’t do it. I wanted to be an astronaut. I thought the planet was pretty. I don’t even believe that anymore. They all die, astronauts. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be one. I’ve cried so many times, you need to believe me. I never stop crying. I cried in my bed last night. I cried this morning, when I woke up and I was still here. I cried when I remembered I can’t go, because there’s people that matter to me. I cried on the bus on the way to work. I cried while serving a customer. I cried the whole way back. I’m crying now. It never stops, does it? Please, you’ve gotta believe me, I ain’t a quitter. I’ve wanted to be, forever and now, but I’ve always gritted my teeth and pushed through. But I’ve been pushing, I’ve been pushing and I’m getting tired. Please, just trust me. It’ll be better. You’ll all be happier. I won’t be happier, but at least I’ll feel nothing at all. My mom, my friends, they’ll be okay. They’ll move on. It’ll be easier, on the long run. I just need them to know I tried. I need you to know. You believe me, don’t you? I want to stay. But I can’t. I need to go, I need to close my eyes and I can’t wake up any more. I’ve tried and tried, and I wanted to live once. I was a kid once too. Kids like life. I had a good life. I wanted to grow old once, too. I still do. But I just can’t, man. You know the world will keep turning. It’s a resilient world, there one we’re living in. We keep setting it on fire, we bomb it, it’s still out here. It’s still living. Whole lot stronger than me, this damn world is. It doesn’t stop for nothing. It sure as hell won’t stop for me. This love I see in the theaters, where is it? I’m looking, I swear. No one loves me, maybe I’m just the problem. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel anything, I’m not lying. Just emptiness, just pain, all day long all night long. You all stare at the waves and the sunsets like it’s a marvel but I can’t find the beauty. No, really, I’ trying. I’m looking for magic. I’m searching for it, in the water. But once I’m in the water, I feel as though I’d rather drown. I read the books and I found the people, but nothing works. I’ve done it all. I had it all, you’ve got to believe me. I really did try. I made friends. I got a job. I traveled. The whole time I was away, I just wanted to die. I just need to die. I want to be happy. But if I can’t be happy, I can’t stay. You know I can’t stay, right? You’ll forgive me, for being selfish? I tried to stay for you. I tried to stay for all of you. But I can’t stay for myself. I’m not worth it. This, all of this, you and me, it all just isn’t worth it. You’ll be okay, I know you will. Someone said that to me once, and it was a lie, but I ain’t no liar. It’s the truth, you’ll be okay. No one needs me here. What am I bringing to the world? Tell me, I’m begging you. Give me a reason. Give me purpose. Give it all some meaning. Please, please do. I just need a reason, but I’ve been looking and looking at it’s still a mystery to me. No art, no life saving invention, no beautiful writing shall ever come for me. I’ll just be no one, miserable alone and a soil to the earth. Please, tell me I’m wrong. Convince me you need me. Look me in the eye and tell me I deserve to stay. That I need to stay. Tell me I can do it and mean it, and I swear I will. But you can’t. No one of you can. I’m an empty shell of a woman, I don’t even know what it means to be human and I’ve been human my whole life. I’m tired, man. I’ve been fighting. I’ve been trying. It’s never gonna work. I just don’t believe anymore. That God you all claim is true? I don’t believe, if he exists, that he’d ever need me. He didn’t mean for me to exist. If it all happens for a reason, then what was the reason? Please, tell me. Am I missing a piece of the puzzle? I beg you, any of you, to tell me if I am. I want a reason to stay. Believe me, I beg you. Please, I don’t wanna die. I want to stay. I want a piece of that happiness they keep talking about. What did I do to not deserve it? Please, explain it to me. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me how to stay. I just need a reason. I just need someone to give me a reason to stay. Does anyone know? Why are we all doing it? Why the hell do any of us have a survival instinct? Survival for what? This damn life, that’s what we’re supposed to be living for. I want to want to live for it. But this shit ain’t living. I just can’t believe this is what living is meant to be. It’s gotta be more than this. But if it is, someone just tell me. Please, I’ll do anything. Just tell me. Doesn’t anyone hear me? Why do you all just stare at me like that? Can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me? Please, I swear I tried. Please, I promise I’m no quitter. Please, I swear I want to live. But I can’t anymore. I’ll give it another shot, I swear. Someone just tell me why. I wake up every day and try, knowing I’ll fail. I try and I try and I cry, but I’m too tried to keep going on. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I want to close my eyes and go. I want to live, I swear I want to live, but this isn’t living. Don’t you believe me? Can’t you see I’ve tried? Can’t you see none of it is enough? You know, I know you know. I’m just not worth it. This just isn’t worth any of it, anymore. I really wanted to live. Please, give me a reason to stay.