When I close my eyes

I walked on the elevated ledge of the boardwalk, his hand wrapped around my arm to keep me from falling. We laughed as we talked about our week, I told him about my family, and that weird guy at the coffee shop, he talked about school, and how most of his professors sucked, but there was one that he really liked, because he made the lectures interesting, and he talked to them like ‘real people.’ I could still hear his voice say the words, and see the one side of his mouth lift while he talked. His hair flew in front of his eyes as we walked. I stopped walking and grabbed his face, pushing the dark waves back. I traced my hand around his face a little bit longer, taking in every inch of it. The way his nose had a little bump in the bridge, that you couldn’t really see, but when I ran my finger down, I could feel it. I traced the tangle of freckles stretched across his nose. He grabbed my hands while they were still on his face, letting his sit on top of mine.

“We’re never gonna get ice cream if we keep stopping.” He says through a smile. Oh god he had a pretty smile, one side lifted up just a touch more than the other, he had two dimples on one side of his mouth, and only one on the other. We broke out laughing and I could feel my lips lift as I smiled at the sweet, beautiful boy across from me. I lifted my fingers to my mouth and felt the smile, but I felt something else too, what was that? It wasn’t raining here. Then my eyes opened. Tears. They were tears. I took in a shaky breath as I looked around my room. I rolled over in my bed, my room was a mess, and I had chores to do, but if I close my eyes, it all goes away, and I can go back, it’s almost like I’m there again. It wasn’t sleeping, I was just going somewhere else.  

“Run!” He said through a laugh, the rain poured and poured. We ran across the street, and through some fancy neighborhood, cutting across somebody’s lawn. His hand squeezed mine the whole time. We were trying to get to a covering, we were walking home from the beach, it was late, and as we walked the rain started, it wasn’t cold though it was like a storybook or a movie, we ran to an overhang in front of a closed Dairy Queen, and when we were finally out of the rain, we laughed until our chests hurt and there were tears in our eyes, we laughed until we could barely stand. Then we stared at each other, both soaked to the bone. My dress clung to my legs and my stomach. His T-shirt was practically see through and his hair was dripping in front of his face. Our smiles never dropped. We were close enough to his apartment to walk, so we headed back out, running all the way there. 

We hurried into the building, we dripped on the carpet in the entryway and the lady at the front desk gave us a dirty look, but it only made us laugh harder. We stood in the elevator, making puddles on the floor. Once we got to his floor we ran to his room and hurried inside. I was shaking from the cold, I was only wearing a little blue dress, and my arms felt like they could fall off. Oliver pulled out one of his shirts and handed it to me, changing into a pair of sweatpants himself. I reached for the zipper at the back of my dress and began to undo it over my shoulder when Oliver walked up behind me, he pushed my hair away from my back and unzipped my dress. He peeled the soaking fabric away from my skin, and helped me into the sweatshirt he had given me. He gathered our wet clothes in his arms and threw them into the wash. He came back over to me and pulled me into his bed, I fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me. While his fingers drew patterns on my thigh. 

My sobs pull me out of the memory, forcing me back to reality. My throat is raw from my crying, I don’t think I’ve stopped for days. I haven’t eaten either, I’m pretty sure if I try, I’ll puke it up. Food sounds horrible and disgusting. I take as deep a breath as I can manage and let the air out in a shaky cry as I allow myself to fall back into delusion.

We sat staring out at the waves. We had bought a fruit tray and I had eaten almost all the watermelon.

“Aubs!” He exclaimed “It’s almost gone!” I smiled as I slowly brought the piece in my hand to my mouth. Oliver reached into the fruit bowl, quickly grabbing the rest of the watermelon.

“No!” I said, making a sad face. Oliver sighed dramatically and faked annoyance. 

“Fine.” He dragged the word out long. And dropped the watermelon back into the container. I smiled at him and he laughed. We laid back on our arms and stared at the water again. The sun warmed my skin and the sand clung to my feet. And as we stared there was a bunch of movement a little bit away from the shore.

“What-” Oliver paused. “Is that?” 

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed as I realized what we were seeing. “Dolphins!” I sat up trying to get a better view. They danced across the sea, some even jumping out of the water.  I looked over and saw the prettiest smile spread across Oliver’s face as he watched the dolphins. I grabbed his hand and he squeezed mine. I closed my eyes for just a second, letting the feeling of complete and utter happiness washed over me. 

My eyes fly open and I bring my fleece blanket up to my face as I flip onto my side, curling in on myself. I hate it here, the only good thing in my life is a memory. Tears flood my eyes as reality sets in. I immediately wish it hadn’t, I wish that I could be back there. And so once again, I close my eyes. 

I walked out from the bathroom in Oliver’s much too big red robe and a towel wound around my head. Oliver was doing homework at his desk in the corner of the room, he was in a pair of blue sweatpants, his brow furrowed in concentration. Through the enormous window that took up almost a whole wall, I could see the bright city lights giving off a warm glow into the darkness, and the stars dancing above the buildings and busy streets. I walked slowly over to where he sat, snaking my arms around him and planting a kiss on his bare shoulder. He turned to me, closing his computer, and wrapped me in his arms. He stood, and walked over to me. 

“Tired?” he asked. I nodded as I sat on the end of his bed. He wandered over to the light switch, flicking it off, the room was now only lit by the light from the window. I crawled into his bed, burying myself under the covers, and taking the towel from my head off, dropping it on the floor. Oliver climbs into bed with me, placing a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose.

“Love you Aubrey.” he mumbled sleepily. His arm was draped over my stomach, the warmth lulling me to sleep. 

I choked out a sob as the absence of his arm was made painfully obvious, but finally, I am swept up by sleep, only to dream another painful dream of my horrendously wonderful past.