Was It Worth It?

Content warning: Strong language

Was it worth it?

Was, what—worth it?

Was it worth losing the friendship and your family?

I don’t know…what kind of question is that?

It’s a simple question, John. It’s not hard.

Well—I don’t know how you want me to answer that, Sarah—Now, please lower your voice…I don’t want to wake the kids—

Ha—Wake the kids; they already know! Sophie wants to know why she can’t play with her best friend, John.

God—I fucking hate when you do that, Sarah…

Do what—? 

If you can’t lower your voice, I don’t want to continue on with this conversation.

I just want you to answer the question.

How—Sarah, how do I answer the question?

Hmmm—I don’t know by being fucking honest, John, that’s how—

Like, can’t you just be honest for once?

Honest— Sarah?

Yes, John—with honesty, do you know how?

You know what? I don’t have to do this with you, Sarah—

Okay, that’s rich, John! You don’t think you owe me any kind of explanation? 

Owe you—?

Yes, John—I think you owe me an explanation. I think I deserve to know why you would choose her over our family—over our relationship…

I didn’t choose her, Sarah, or else I would be with her right now.

You’re not with her—because she’s with her fucking husband, dammit!

Well—there’s your answer—

That’s—my answer?

I don’t know—Sarah—what do you want me to say?

God—! You make me fucking crazy! John…just answer my question. No one just cheats— for the sake of cheating. There has to be a reason!?

There wasn’t a reason—

I don’t believe you—

Of course, you don’t believe me! Because you have to make everything about you. Not everything is about you, Sarah—

How is it not about me when it affects me? 

Because for once—

Because for once…It’s not about you—

Okay, so tell me…?

I don’t know—

I swear—! It’s your fucking ego…

My ego—?

Yes, John! Your fucking ego! and please don’t give me that look.

What look?

The one that your mother gives when she’s annoyed…

Whatever, Sarah, What does my ego have to do with this?

It has everything to do with this!

Low your voice, dammit!

How can you tell me to lower my voice when you’re just as loud?

I’m only getting loud because you’re driving me crazy!

You know what! This whole thing is driving me crazy! You’re fucking driving me crazy! Because you’re so fucking concerned with saving face!

Saving face—?

Yes—you’re so worried about what everyone else thinks of you—!

Because heaven forbid, John, be the bad guy!

The bad guy?

Yes! John! The bad guy—

Is that what you’re wanting? 

I don’t know anymore, John…

If it’s the bad guy that you want—then fuck—let me lay it out for you!

You want to know why I did it—?

I’ve been asking for weeks…

Okay! Sarah—

If you want to know why I did it—there is no reason—

Oh my god…please don’t—

No—I’m fucking serious! There was no reason—If you want me to be the bad guy…well, I am the bad guy. I just did it because I wanted to.

Oh my god…

No! Don’t shake your head—you wanted honesty! That’s what I’m giving you—

Because you wanted to, John?

Because…because I hate our life here, Sarah.

You—? You hate our life here, so you ruined it—?

Is that why you’ve been drinking?

Yes—

And—do you think I love it here?

I don’t know—

Have you ever asked John?

No—

We moved her to be with our friends…people spend their whole lives to get to a place like this—

I mean, look around, John. We’re surrounded by beauty every time we walk out that door. What else did you need—?

And the kids—they could have had some amazing adventures…and you’re telling me that instead, you chose yourself?

Yes—

And did our twelve-year relationship not mean anything to you…

answer the me, John!

I don’t know—

You have to give me more than that! Because I’m about to lose my fucking mind!

I hate it here, dammit—! Is that what you want? I hate my job! I hate that’s nothing to do in this small town…

I hate—I hate that the closest grocery store is forty-five minutes away…

And I hate more than anything that you’re shaking your fucking head at me—!

I’m shaking my fucking head! Because you act like you’re the only one suffering!

Are you suffering, Sarah?

Are you joking—?

No, seriously—you seem to be perfectly fine—

Because one of us has to be!!!

You’re shaking your head because you know I’m right, John!

Because one of us had to be present…

Because when Dad gets home and starts drinking—one of us has to be here—

And when Dad and his friends are getting drunk on a fucking Tuesday night, who is cleaning up the mess?

And Fuck—maybe I’m just as much the problem because I didn’t say enough is enough but—

What was I supposed to do? I’m not your mother. I’m not going to tell you what you can and cannot do—you’re a grown man.

I don’t need you to be my mother…

Then what was I supposed to do?

When Mitch and Liz said they wanted to try opening their relationship—I told you I didn’t want to do it…

I know—

I told you I didn’t want to do it because I saw the way you and Liz were hitting it off…

Oh please, Sarah—

No—! fuck you—!

You don’t get to do that, John!

Do what—?

You don’t get to pretend that it wasn’t something—! When clearly it was!

Don’t—!

Don’t shake your head like what I’m saying is crazy, John!

I’m shaking my head—because what do you want me to say? that you’re right? Would that make you feel better—

I don’t know John—!

Was it worth it? Was it worth all of this—?

I don’t know what you want me to say—

It was fun, okay? That’s it—it was fun to have the escape…

To come home and know that I could have that drink. To hang out with my friends and have a good time…

The Liz thing—I don’t know—it was exciting, I guess…it gave me something to look forward to. 

See, Sarah, and this is why I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d start crying—

I’m allowed to cry, John—

I’m not saying that you’re not—

Do you not think that I wanted to feel those things too, John—?

Do you not think that I wanted to have fun or to feel something other than being miserable while I watched my partner and Liz, who was supposed to be my best friend, fall for each other?

Answer me, John!

I don’t know—

God—you are so fucking selfish it makes me sick—And what kind of friend are you when you could see how miserable Mitch was? He was only going along with that because he wanted to make Liz happy. Just because she had the green light from her husband doesn’t mean you had one.

I know that—!

So then, why did you do it?

Because I told you already—

I know—but it doesn’t make sense, John!

There’s nothing more than what I said before—

It’s just mind-boggling that it can be that simple—

That one day, you can have a family, and the next, it’s over—

How you can put so much work into a twelve-year relationship, and then it’s over—

And what makes it worse for me, Johh— is that you didn’t even fight…

What is there to fight for when neither one of us is happy—?

I don’t know—for us—for our family—for the life we created…

I don’t know what that looks like anymore, Sarah…

And the kids—

The kids will be fine, Sarah. Kids are resilient—

I feel sad for them—and most of all, John, I feel sad for you—I feel like you’re going to wake up one day and realize how bad you’ve fucking this up…and it will be too late.

I think that’s for me to decide.

So, was it worth it, John?

I don’t know…All I can say is I’m sorry—