Podcast: Returning to the Castle in the Sky

Benny: Good morning, Benny Sondonce here with my weekly podcast Behind the Scenes of True Stories of Fairy Tale Creatures.  Today I am with Henry Gogmagog from the fairy tale saga The Story of Jack Spriggins. Let me be frank, Henry is huge.  We had a struggle to get him in the front door. <laughs> But he is here with us now and we are going to be talking to him about his trespassing issues with Jack Spriggins. So, without further adieu, welcome Henry Gogmagog.

Henry:  Hello, thank you Benny for having me.  

Benny:  So, according to the rumor mills through social media channels, you are suing Jack Spriggins for trespassing.

Henry:  And breaking and entering not to mention attempted murder.

Benny: Okay, I won’t mention it.

Henry:  Yeah, I know when people see me coming, they automatically think I’m the bad guy, no matter how nice and cordial I am.  They also assume that I’m not so smart.  There are a lot of assumptions made when you see a person my size walking the street.  This is why I worked with my realtor and got a castle in the sky.  This way I wouldn’t have to endure some of the remarks I heard uttered behind my back.  I blame tradition and folklore about people my size that goes back a few millennia.  Take for instance the old Biblical tale of David and Goliath.  This little boy killed a very large fearsome opponent, and everybody cheered for him after he cut the big guy’s head off.  <swallows hard> Let’s face it, being a big guy can be difficult at times.

Benny:  I see.

Henry: And that’s just half of it. <sighs> I figured when I moved to my castle in the sky, things would be a lot easier, and they were until Jack Spriggins came along. 

Benny:  May I ask you just how tall you are?

Henry:  I have been measured at seven and a half meters.

Benny: Yeah, great…

Henry Which is over twenty-two feet tall.  I keep forgetting you blokes haven’t transitioned over to the correct standard measurements.  

Benny: If you don’t mind telling me for the record, how old are you, Henry?

Henry: Just turned 347 years old.

Benny:  So, you’ve been around a while, eh?

Henry:  Yeah, living in my castle in the sky, time has a habit of slipping by.  I must say I was pretty spoiled, living up there in peace where no one bothers me until Jack came along.

Benny:  Alright, would you mind going over just what happened when Jack Spriggins came to your castle?

Henry:  You mean invaded my castle.

Benny: Sure, if semantics are important.

Henry:  They are <crosses his mighty arms across his his chest>

Benny: Duly noted.

Henry <pauses> It was Saturday night when my shows were on television. <puts hand to chin> I was tuning my telly, because reception being what it is up there…<coughs> I heard a rustling in the closet.  Now mind you, I do not have pestilence being up in the clouds and all, so it behooves me to check on certain noises that may be wearisome.  Of course, this is quite irritating because I had not properly adjusted my telly.  I guess when I am irritated, I do have a tendency to be a bit more menacing.

Benny:  What did you do to appear a bit more menacing?

Henry:  I said, “Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.” 

Benny: Yes Henry, that is certainly menacing.

Henry:  It’s just I have a proclivity for an ill temper at times, especially when someone is messing with me shows. <pauses>  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I went into the pantry because that’s where I heard the noises.  And lo’ and behold, I see this little man hiding behind my broom.  

Benny: And then what happened?

Henry:  Well, I grabbed ahold of the broom and brought it down on him, but this Jack he was quick.  My first blow missed him completely.  He ran like a mouse into where I couldn’t see him.  I kept looking for him though, but he was hiding in a place I could not see him.  That’s when I made my mistake.

Benny:  Which was?

Henry:  Thinking he had left the castle running for his life, but I found out later this was a terrible blunder on my part.

Benny:  I should say so.

Henry:  It’s just that I was always taught to believe the best in people.  

Benny:  That seems reasonable.

Henry: You would think so, but this Jack wasn’t the decent type.  <pauses>  He turned out to be other kind, now didn’t he?

Benny:  It would seem so.

Henry:  Take my word for it, he most certainly was. <Takes a breath> So, I go back to watch my shows when I hear music playing.  It just so happens that many years ago, I was able to obtain a Golden Harp that played the most beautiful music my ears have ever heard.  I keep the harp in my study where I go to decompress.  This harp is part of my “me” time.  So, I walk down the hall to my study and open the door and there he is, Jack fiddling with my harp. I say that fe, fi, fo, fum thing again and commence chasing him.  I open the door and out he scurries. Good riddance, I think to myself and close the door.  Do you think this would be the end of him?

Benny:  Not according to the report I got.

Henry:  Right you are.  Because he is just a lad, he is able to squeeze under my door and come right back into my castle.

Benny: Unbelievable. Inconceivable.  

Henry:  You can say that again.  

Benny:  I won’t, however. 

Henry:  You will never believe how he got up to clouds in the first place.

Benny: I have no clue. 

Henry:  Beanstalk.  Can you believe it?

Benny: I can’t.  I find this extraordinary.

Henry:  I heard while I was recouping in the hospital after my fall, that Jack came in possession of some magic beans.

Benny:  Are you kidding me?

Henry:  I kid you not.

Benny:  Incredible.

Henry:  It’s all in my lawsuit against him.  I know he’s just a lad, but he should know better than to mess around in a giant’s castle when he’s done nothing to provoke such an attack.  Kids these days <shakes his head>.  I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Benny:  You also claim that Jack committed a burglary.

Henry:  Indeed.  In the basement is where I keep her.

Benny:  Who?

Henry: My goose.  The one who lays the golden eggs.

Benny:  You have a goose that lays golden eggs?

Henry:  I do <Suddenly sullen> I did until that brat Jack stole it right from the basement of my castle.  When I heard the goose honking, I ran to the basement door and opened it.  Jack rushed out with the goose in his arms.  I told him to stop, but he just kept running.  He kept running.  The goose kept honking.  It was pure chaos.  I am accustomed to such a rustic existence and here this scamp was absconding with my goose.  

Benny: Did the goose really lay golden eggs?

Henry:  Twenty-four karat solid gold, they were.

Benny: Did you ever get the goose back?

Henry; Sadly, no.  The goose was taken to an animal shelter for magical beasts. Without the golden eggs I had no means to pay the fine levied by the shelter. Sad indeed.

Benny: So, what happened next?

Henry: As I have stated in my affidavit, Jack with the goose tucked under his arm, grabbed onto the top of the beanstalk and began climbing down. When I saw the narrow vine, I hesitated figuring that the stalk would crumble under my immense weight.  But then my goose honked again, I knew I could not wait any longer, so I began to scale down the beanstalk despite the hazard.  Of course, Jack with my goose was able to reach the bottom.  Quickly Jack put the goose in his barn, closed and locked the door.  He then grabbed an ax that was leaning against the barn and began hacking at the base of the stalk.

Benny: That must have been unnerving.

Henry:  Immensely, but I continued and would have reached him, but the stalk gave way.  I was not ready for this, and I fell from the stalk.  I made a tremendous impact with the ground.  I would bet most of the local residents thought there had been an earthquake when I collided with the ground.

Benny: That must have been quite a collision.

Henry:  Indeed, it was.  Everything shook, but when I hit, I created a crevasse and broke some bones upon contact.  

Benny:  My, how tragic.

Henry:  Worst part was I did not fit into the ambulance. 

Benny: I could see where that would be a problem.  

Henry:  They had to put me in a hay wagon in order to get me to the hospital.  While they transported me, all of the locals came out to gawk at me, the giant being taken to the hospital.  It was beyond humiliating.

Benny:  I could see that.

Henry:  You can.  Do you get TikTok?  It went viral.  

Benny:  Fascinating.  

Henry:  Not for me. 

Benny:  Right, right.  So sorry.

Henry:  The worst part was the ride.  I’m sure the wheels hit every bump which made the pain intolerable. 

Benny: It looks as though you are all patched up.  Are you feeling better? 

Henry: I am.  I had to wear a cast on my leg and arm, but everything has healed properly.  <he moves his arm and his leg to demonstrate> I am seeking damages under the current law of PMB 2118.

Benny:  PMB?

Henry:  Protection of Magical Beings.  I have been violated through the actions of Jack Spriggins as stated in my affidavit. The number 2118 is the number of cases filed since the law went into effect.  And at the bottom an itemized list of damages accrued.

Benny:  You are asking for a few million? 

Henry:  Of course, bodily injury requiring hospital care, unlawful castle trespass, unlawful transportation of magical livestock, unauthorized playing of harp against the instrument’s will, defamation of character.

Benny:  Defamation of character? 

Henry:  Under legal advisement, I was counseled to include this.

Benny: But why?

Henry:  Simple.  As long as this story has been told to children for years, I have always been cast as the antagonist, the bad guy.  Oh, that evil giant.  And Jack has been the protagonist.  May I remind you, it was he who broke into my castle and stole my Golden Goose.  I feel that in this story, I have been miscast, don’t you think?

Benny: Perhaps.

Henry:  Do you remember the first time you heard of this story?

Benny:  Barely, I was just a kid.

Henry:  Who did you perceive was the hero?  Be truthful. 

Benny <pauses to ponder> I guess the hero was Jack.  

Henry:  I am not surprised in the least.  Most children who hear this story are rooting for Jack to escape from the mean ogre giant when in fact it was Jack who did me wrong, don’t you think? 

Benny: I guess you’re right.

Henry:  Of course I am, but for all this time I’ve been the bad guy. The Grimm Brothers even suggested I would eat Jack if I caught him, BAH!  The idea I would eat him is repulsive to me, BAH, I say again.  They even had me fall to my death in their version.  The idea!  I would like to include those two in my affidavit, but they are long dead.  And here I am still trying to set the record straight.  I want people to know who the real hero of this story really was.

Benny:  So, you want people to know that you were the real hero of Jack and the Beanstalk.

Henry:  I feel it’s only right, don’t you?

Benny: I guess when I look at it from your perspective, you are the hero.

Henry:  That’s all I’m saying <shrugs> Thank you, Benny Sondonce for letting me straighten this out on your podcast.

Benny:  My pleasure, Henry <they shake hands> Well, this is your host saying thank you, Henry Gogmagog for participating in another episode of my podcast Behind the Scenes of True Stories of Fairy Tale Creatures and setting the record straight about who the real hero was in your story.  Our next show we will be featuring an ornery little man named Rumpelstiltskin who will tell us about the scandal of the princess who guessed his name. <clicks the button> We are off the air.  So, Henry, what are you going to do now?

Henry:  What else?  I’m going to return to my castle in the sky. <disappears in a puff of smoke>