Runaway

When I walked in and saw the bedroom Her and I used to share I could not exactly identify the whirlwind of feelings encircling through and around me.

"What in the.... fuck...." I say out loud to myself. That word echoed through the deafening silence, circled back around, and stabbed me directly in the heart. Maybe, at this moment, I felt her pain for the first time? Maybe all at once? I'm really not too sure at this moment, but it really hurts. She destroyed everything that I love, my guitars, my laptop. I need these things, but I am the one who allowed this to happen. I know this now.

I, very strangely, snap out of this sorrow and into this adrenaline soaked anxiousness to clean up this mess. I probably should take pictures but I can't bring myself to pull my phone out of my pocket. I pick up the neck of the electric guitar next to my feet with a lump in my throat that is too large to even attempt to swallow, I miss our son, instantly. I miss Her. Why?! Look at this, this SHIT! Why did she do this? Doesn't she understand that I am suffering too? I can't pick up the phone when she is like that. Her feelings terrify me. I wasn't even with another woman. But I have been and when she needed me most. I deserve this, but I cannot except that. I need to go...

I clean up this fucking disaster and make a few phone calls to expedite my departure. I call my mother first, not really looking forward to the judgements, opinions and questions, but it's whatever, I need to get the fuck out of here. I exhale a giant sigh of relief when the voicemail picks up, I then proceed to shoot her a text.

Colin- Mom, I need your help to leave this condo. Val smashed all of my shit.

Mom- Jesus, okay. I'll call some of my church friends. We are at the store right now. I will call you back shortly.

I proceed to make my next phone call to Leslie, my ex-wife. She picks up instantly, as usual.

"Yo." I say, my voice is trembling out of control. I'm glad she starts speaking about nonsense as usual.

"Oh my God, the pants I ordered off Amazon are still not here! Can you believe that? Like, seriously..." Leslie says immediately.

"I don't know what to tell you, send them an email. Hey, I can't come over this weekend. Val swung by here last night, apparently and broke all of my shit so my mom is coming to help me get down South a little sooner. I'm sorry, I just can't be around them like this." I say, as if I vomited this all out into one, giant run on sentence.

"Are you serious?! Did, you like, take pictures? I really hope you took pictures. Do you want me to ask my mom to watch the kids and come over there? What a stupid bitch! You should go get Sam, right now and bring him over here! It's safe here."

"No. Leslie. I can't even think right now. Just please, tell the kids I'll see them next weekend."

"Are you retarded? She can't get away with this! I'll call the cops if you don't and I am calling CPS too! Maybe I just HAVE to because you can't do this for yourself right now! Why won't she take your PTSD, like, for real? What a PSYCHO BITCH! I'll take care of this baby, don't worry." She screams, as I hold the phone approximately a foot away from my ear."

"Wait, what? Baby?! Leslie, you aren't calling anyone and you KNOW I cannot handle this right now. I will reach out when I get things sorted. " I hang up and throw my phone onto the bed, hit my knees and PRAY harder than I ever have.

JESUS! PLEASE HELP HER!

JESUS! PLEASE HELP ME!

JESUS CHRIST, PLEASE HELP US.

I am sobbing, out of control. I haven't cried in over five years.

I laid there on the floor for what seemed like eternity, completely lost in my thoughts. I need to leave. Maybe I need to do this for her more than for me? I destroyed her and she loves me. Why couldn't I just stop? Why couldn't I hold her when she cried? I have always wanted her and only her but I run away every chance I get! Why?! What have I done? I miss our son. Our moo moo! My heart is fucking broken, man, I GOTTA GO! I need to go! I want to go back in time so bad I feel like I could die. I am freezing to death in here, which is unusual because it has always been hotter than Hell in this room. Valerie hates when I open the window when she's asleep, she has terrible allergies. God damn, I miss her. God damn, ME! I cannot think of one way to fix this besides to GO. Maybe, she will find herself and I as well and we will come back together? What if she falls in love with someone else? I can't handle that. I can't allow that. She's my soul mate. Fuck, but she's crazy, but that heart man, I wish she could control it. I wish I could control my busted ass urges, who in the HELL is haunting me? Leslie keeps calling and calling and I can't pick up. I shouldn't of called her. Her nerves are shit and she hates Val. She is always talking about, co-parenting counseling in a marriage counseling kind of way. That I see in this moment. She's so intrusive but helpful, but what is she helping? I turn off my phone, slip it into my pocket and head down the stairs.

The sun is blinding me as I walk to my car but I am too numb to even squint. I open the car door, sit down and start the ignition. The song Run away by Kanye West is playing on the radio. Are you fucking kidding me, I think at this moment as I sit there in this desolate, mental state of Hell. The lyrics stab me all over my body, like tiny, fat needles. Every ding of the piano key, every single sound coming out of the radio.

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong

You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long

I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most

So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags

Let's have a toast for the assholes

Let's have a toast for the scumbags

Everyone of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk offs

That'll never take work off

Baby I got a plan

Run away as fast as you can

I've heard this song a million times but never really listened, I guess. Damn.