The Pain in Her Waves

Everything was black. The world appeared to be so dark, yet it was far from empty. There was too much to burn before that happened.

Every molecule of smoke and ash filled my nostrils, but it was the smell of fear that scared me the most. My lungs sputtered and convulsed as if they were also on fire, seething and searing pain. Then, numbness. Nothingness.Pain is what I still heard but could no longer feel. The sounds of flames crackling; and wood creaking and collapsing, interspersed with faint screaming floating through the air was nothing short of surreal. The single tear sliding down my face felt like cold glass as it took its precious time outlining the side of my cheek, punctuating the finality of my hope’s demise. I had no tears left, nothing left to offer as my mind’s eye took in the sight that I couldn’t observe for myself. How much more did I have to give up to find relief? How many more would have to suffer before this void inside of me was filled? What more would I have to endure before my story was over?

I was not one to long for death, but I so dearly wished that all my pain would finally end; that someone would tell me the wait was over and I no longer had to be alone in my own self destruction anymore.

A cold, damp hand on my own brought me back to reality and out of the horrors of my past. Jackal would not leave my side no matter what I did; when asked why he would never say and why he is still here I will never know. He would simply brush the question off as if it didn’t mean anything. I doubt he knew how grateful I was for his company. He didn’t even bother to look at me, I wished I could read his expressions. Being blind might have its perks, but it certainly has its downfalls.

His low voice dropped deeper than the ocean with displeasure as he spoke to me. “It isn’t safe to be at the edge of the ship during a storm, Summer. You should know that; I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

Even though he sounded angry, I doubted he truly was despite me never hearing him mad. I imagined his anger to be very much like this thunderstorm: loud, full of fury, and many other emotions. He didn’t usually care to show emotion, which is why I found it so odd when he showed concern in his statement to me. “There is a rail for a reason, Jackal. I don’t see why you are so concerned.”

I could hear him smirk as he mumbled under his breath, “it isn’t like you can see anyway.”

Listening to the ocean’s moans of agony as she struck our boat felt almost poetic. Her lament in such a thunderous squall was great. The storm’s rage thundered above in anger, pouring down torrents of pelting rain. In response, the waves only grew, I am sure due to the pain.

Seemingly unmoved by such a woeful display, Jackal threw his coat over our heads in a vain attempt to keep us dry as he led me into the safety of our room. He still didn’t trust me to stay in a room alone, claiming that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. He could be such a worrywart, I noticed. I didn’t remember him being like this when we first met about a month ago. Guess that’s what happens when you’ve never had a friend and then for some reason someone actually wants to stick around.

He wrapped a wool blanket around me before he walked over to the fireplace to put more wood in the fireplace. The crackling of the blaze almost made my mind wander back to my nightmare, or really daymare. Not that day or night looked much different to me. I shook my head to snap back into reality in time to feel him sit next to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he leaned back on the couch. Shivers ran up my spine and all over my body as the heat began to warm both of our cold bodies. Realizing I was still leaning forward, I decided to sit back and lean my head on my friend’s shoulder. Inhaling and exhaling deeply,  I tried to relax for fear of him being able to read me again. I could hear him sigh as he wrapped his arm around me, clearly still able to sense my unease. “Were your daydreams tormenting you again?”

I couldn’t bring myself to answer as my mind’s eye brought the flames to life again. I really hated how it felt like he could see straight through me. Swallowing my pride, I realized I didn’t really know how to answer that question. So simple, yet so complicated. All it took was a yes or a no, yet it felt like it came with such a bigger price whenever I admitted it. “...No.”

“Liar.”

His answer was simple yet deep, he was cunningly observant. It annoyed me how adept he was at this. “Why do you ask if you already know the answer?”

Listening to him breathe in deeply was almost scary, like how you know when you’ve hurt your friend’s feelings and there’s no real way to fix it. He sounded like he was thinking about how to answer me before he responded. “I was testing to see if you would try to lie to me. I don’ t know why you try that mess anymore. You know I can see straight through your lies.”

He almost sounded like he was getting frustrated with me. Lightning crackled in the sky, accentuating the tension in his tone. I sighed. “I never really know how to answer that question. If I say yes then you will be disappointed that I haven’t been able to overcome my past, but if I say no, you know I am lying. Both answers seem pointless. We can’t fix each other, Jackal, and no matter how hard we try to help the other pick up what is left of their shattered hearts, we can’t change what happened.”

His breaths were even deeper now; he must be having a hard time keeping his composure. I don’t know why he saw it any differently, as far as I could tell I was right. No amount of him trying to piece me together was going to fix me. I was broken, perpetually flawed and incomplete. I could feel that clearly from the giant hole inside of me that I had tried so many times to fill. Desperately shoving the fragments of what I had left, trying to fill what once was not so empty, but it was pointless. No amount of anything I had tried could fix me. The only hope I had left was my faith and this stupid man who was so hard headed and determined to stick around for no apparent reason.

I could feel his muscles tighten under my head. His voice was quiet and gentle as it filled my ears-I hadn’t expected that. “I don’t want to fix you Summer. As far as I can see, you are perfect exactly the way you are.”

Turning my face toward him, I closed my eyes, allowing my mind’s eye to imagine him. The description he gave of himself so many times slowly came together the longer I looked up at him. I could feel his deep blue eyes staring at me with such seriousness. His brown hair was perfectly styled ( as he said it always is, although I’ve doubted him). The collar of his thick black knitted sweater showed under that of his big black jacket- (he said he never wore any other color than black). I always had trouble imagining his fair skin, but for once, it seemed to fit him perfectly. “Your voice isn’t wavering.”

He slowly took my hand and placed it on his mouth so I could feel his voice as he spoke. “You are perfect the way you are, Summer. I don’t care how you used to be before the fire and before you lost everything. I like who you are now; I am friends with the person I see now.”

My mind wanted him to be lying so badly; how could it be true? I could hardly bear to be who I have become over the years and here he was saying that he likes me for who I am now, in this moment. No matter how long I sat there waiting for his voice to crack, for him to show any sign of lying, not a single one came. I could feel my tears fall as he kept my gaze. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around me and just held me as if to comfort me. This was honestly the part I loved most about him. He never pointed out that I was crying or told me that it was pointless. Most of the time he acted as if he didn’t see it in hopes of it making me feel stronger rather than be self-conscious about it. He only ever held me to remind me I wasn’t alone and that he was still there, not to expect anything of me in return. 

Suddenly the boat shook violently, throwing both of us to the floor. Feeling the heat of the fire far too close to me, I shoved myself backwards running into my friend, who held onto me tightly till the boat calmed down a bit. Helping me stand, he guided me back towards the couch and made me sit. “Stay here; I’m going to find out what happened!”

Grabbing his coat sleeve, I knew I didn’t want him to go. I felt my fear rising in me; the fear of losing him too was irrational for sure but I couldn’t help it. He was all I had left; I had nothing else to lose. “Please, don’t leave me here alone!”

Grabbing both of my hands, his grip was tight but reassuring. “Have I ever lied to you?”

Slowly shaking my head, I could feel the tears coming again. Letting go of one of my hands, he gently held the side of my face, making me look directly at him. “I know you see me. I promise I will be right back.”

With that, he vanished. I truly did hate his teleportation even though it was an amazing gift. The screams outside filled my ears, melding with the cacophony of the ocean crashing over the boat. It felt like I was reliving my nightmare, covering my ears with my hands and screaming in pain while trying to drown out all the other sounds that were tormenting me. The boat shook violently, throwing me to the ground again. Laying on the floor, I decided it was safer to be here and wait for Jackal. He had to come back; he promised he would. Covering my mouth, I prayed, begging him to return.

The sound of Jackal appearing again was faint, but my heart still skipped a beat in happiness as I felt his strong arms pull me off the floor and up to him. For the first time, I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as if to keep him from leaving again. His warm breath against my ear was soothing. “Sssshhhh, it will be okay. I’ve got you.” My breathing began to slow but he didn’t dare loosen his grip on me. It was then that I realized something was wrong. “What is it?”

He didn’t say anything at first as if he was hoping if he stayed quiet, he wouldn’t have to reveal what he knew. “Jackal?” He buried his face in my shoulder as he whispered, “I’m sorry, Summer; the boat is sinking.”

I could feel my heart racing as he spoke these words. Trying to hold it together, I tried to take a deep breath. He was shaken; it was obvious in the way he held me. The boat shuddered again, causing us to hit the wall. Jackal pushed my hair out of my eyes and gently held my face in his hands. “Are you alright?” Nodding my head, I rested my hands on his arms to steady myself. “We don’t have much time. Show me what to do.”

I could feel him studying my eyes, making sure I was ready. Without a word he took my hand in his and pulled me outside. It sounded like people were rushing to the lifeboats as the waves began swallowing the boat. I could hear the captain on deck attempting to direct people as they tried to help them escape. Jackal’s grip on my hand tightened as he got closer to the edge of the boat. He must have been able to see something I could not sense. I could tell he was looking out into the ocean rather than at the captain for direction. “Jackal, what is it?” Grabbing my shoulders, he placed his head on mine. “There is no room on the lifeboats, Summer, but I see a boat that broke loose in the ocean. Do you trust me to get us there?”

Fear rose within me as I looked out into the ocean. I knew the storm’s rage; it would be just as much a death trap out there as it was here on this boat, but it was the only chance we had. “Do it, before I second guess it.”

Holding me close, we both vanished before I could properly gasp. The cold spray of the waves was quite a shock to me as I landed in the boat, but I nearly had a panic attack when I realized Jackal was no longer holding onto me. Leaning over the boat I could hear his gasps as I reached out towards the water where I was sure he was. “Jackal, take my hand! Please, please take my hand!”

I could feel my tears being mixed with the spray as the greatest horror began to play in real life. I couldn’t lose him; God, don’t take him from me! A strong arm grabbed my hand and the side of the boat and pulled himself in, nearly throwing both of us out due to the weight.  “Oh my gosh! Are you okay?”

Wrapping my blanket around him, he wouldn’t stop coughing for a few minutes until he regained his breath. Still on the verge of panicking, I moved his hair from his face and tried to make sure he was alright. He took hold of my wrist to stop my hand from shaking. “Relax; I’m just wet. I’m not dead yet.”

Sitting at the bottom of the boat, we listened to the sound of other people until they disappeared. It didn’t take long due to the storm, but it felt like a lifetime. I could feel Jackal’s eyes on me as I stared out into the ocean that I knew would swallow us one way or another. “Do you really want to know why I have stuck with you this long?”

Meeting his gaze, I didn’t try to hide the tears or the fear that filled my fogged eyes as I slowly nodded my head. “Yes, I really would.”

He leaned forward to where he was so close that I could feel his warm breath on me. Calming. He was very calming and peaceful for me. I hadn't realized until this moment; surely that was a blessing to my troubled soul if nothing else was. “I have never felt more comfortable and more at home with another human being before. Honestly, I believe I need you around far more than you need me. You are strong despite how your past haunts you and your disability hinders you. I believe you can see better than everyone with physical vision. So tell me, what do you see out there?”

I knew he was pointing at the ocean and her giant waves that were most likely coming towards us. I almost couldn’t speak, the tears choking me up so that I had to force myself to speak. “An expected end.”

I could hear his tears now; I never knew a man could cry. I thought all the more highly of him in this moment. Somehow, he was calm and terrified at the same time. Letting my hand find his, I looked up into his eyes one last time. “Hold me, please.”

Wrapping his arms around my body, he held me tightly as he buried his head in my shoulder again. For just one second, he felt like a child, a terrified little boy who was looking for comfort. Laying my head on his shoulder, his whisper came to me softly as I heard the giant wave rising. “I love you, my little ray of sunshine.”

I was barely able to say I love you back before the wave hit us with such brute force that it drug us down into the deep. No longer able to hold on to each other I reached my arms up in hopes of finding him. Taking in the water swiftly, I allowed it to fill my lungs as I accepted death. Knowing I only had a few seconds left, I decided to open my eyes, and for the first time in years, I could truly see. The sun tried to break through the cold waters as I felt myself losing consciousness. The silhouette of Jackal was outlined by the sun's rays as he swam down towards me. How ironic is it really that I get my sight back the moment I finally let go of everything, and see it all for what it truly is. The second he grabbed my wrist I knew I was finally complete, as free as an endless, grieving sea.