Blinded By The Light

Title- Blinded By The Light

 Word count- 1070

   When you’re in addiction, it’s all dark. Because even at its’ lightest, it’s still twilight, at best. 

   That kind of light where it’s not dark yet but it’s eerily not light either. Where the world is quiet, and it’s just you and your head. 

     You know the light exists, it’s what’s you’re looking for.. but it’s always unattainable, just out of reach. 

     You’re always looking for that light. The light that will bring you to even. Not even happy, just to break even, as it were.  But you know that’s not really possible anymore. But still, it’s a matter of breaking even. Every day. That’s the goal. 

     Wake up, find a cigarette or maybe a butt, and begin the search. What’ll it be today? Weed, well that’s a given but what else to top it off and use to feel ‘normal-ish’ today?

    The easiest may be pills today. You know a buddy who has some to trade- how bout you text him? 

   So you begin the text game and see who’s gonna answer first. What pill is gonna win?

    What do you have to trade? That’s always a fun game to play. Who’s looking for what. I have this if you have that. 

    I wonder if I’ll find what I want or will have to settle today for second or third choice.

    Ding! The phone goes off and I’m anxious to see who it is. It’s no one about nothing and my anger swells up.

. I go thru my list and it goes off again. 

  Ding! It’s someone with something. It’s not a favorite but it may be worth it if it’s all you can find. 

    ‘Hmmm’ you say, ‘Gimme 5 minutes’ and you scramble around on your phone trying to find something better. 

    You debate texting your one buddy, the one you know has coke, since he said he was planning on getting some. When he doesn’t answer, you figure he’s blowing you off again like he usually does when he’s partying. 

    You also debate the expense-pills vs coke, and based on what you have to trade, it’s gonna be harder to get the coke. So you focus on the pills. 

     Your buddy texts and offers to party if you ‘just come chill’ and you know what that means. Still, you think it over and have to make a decision..

    You tell him you’re good and go back to texting about the extra Adderall or Hydros. 

    As your fingers dance around, you receive a call. You are frantic to cop a fix at this point so you answer. 

    ‘Hello?’ You say quizzically, as it’s unexpected that you should randomly get a call. 

‘Hi’, comes a voice from the other end. ‘It’s your son’.

     You drop  the phone, as its the son You had taken away when you had given birth, at 15. You had never seen or touched him, let alone heard his voice. 

    You pick the phone back up and say frantically, “Hello? Are you there?” And spend  the next hour and a half catching up with the boy you’d never known. 

    And everything other than than disappeared in life. There was light again. 

     His name was Jared, and he had been adopted by a beautiful young couple named Carpenter. His father was a Preacher and his mother was a teacher at the elementary school. 

     He was 18, and had just gained access to his natural birth parent records and just like that, decided to call. 

     There were tears and there was laughter, as the stories were told, and more relatives were met. 

     There was ‘crazy’ Aunt Aida who would tell everyone stories she could remember, and some that weren’t even true! 

    And cousin Lorraine, who fascinated you because she’d been all over the world. You heard stories from Scotland and Paris and India and so many other places she’d visited. She’d even given you a piece of jade she’d picked up along the way. 

    Your new relatives are fascinating and you realize there’s more to living. You just discovered a whole new family that you didn’t even know existed! The brightness of your future blinds you, as you meet more and more relatives. 

    Reaching out, and making bonds-associating with long lost, unknown kin… what a shock to the system. 

    It makes everything else unnecessary. 

    Then you get dropped in your tracks by a trigger-somethings makes you want to use again. You see that bottle, or that line, or that pill and you want to play again, full on. 

     And the darkness comes.

     Out of no where. You think, ‘just once’.. but then it feels so good..makes your mouth water. Then numb. And you just can’t get enough. 

    And everything except right now is all there is. 

     And before you know it, you’re back in the cycle. Looking for butts to smoke, pills to snort. And feeling like crap in the darkness once again. 

   How do you crawl out? How do you get out from under that dark cloud? How?! 

    Well Remember Jared? And ‘crazy’ Aida ? THATS how you get out, THATS how you find the sun again. You go where the love is. You go where your spirit is celebrated and appreciated and honored

     If your ‘family’ is not blood, that’s ok! Jared and Aunt Aida and cousin Lorraine and all the others never exsisted until you were a full grown adult! And look at you now. You CAN stay away from the darkness, you CAN stay away from the things that take you there. 

    There are people-your tribe, your family, who she you shine. Who see your sun. Your son.

     Your son would you didn’t know for 18 years. He accepts you. WHY WOULD YOU NOT ACCEPT YOU? He brought sunlight into your life because you brought sunlight into his.

     Nothing fills the space of a mother. Nothing. And having waited 18 years…. What he found, sitting in the dark…

Inexcusable.

But he fixed it. He brought the sun back. He made you proud. Even though you hadn’t been there he was part of you. And he brought the sun back. 

     To learn about his youth and him as a baby. It didn’t make you sad you weren’t there- you knew you couldn’t have handled it. It just made you full of joy to hear the stories. 

     Everything other than that disappeared in life-there was light again.