The ash of the leaves

By the time I step outside, the leaves are on fire. My eyes blur with the harsh light of day and I know something is wrong. Soft dapples of red and orange cloud my sight. The alluring colors pull me towards the ground, and I can’t comprehend what lays before me. I quickly outstretch my arms to snag one of the balls of fire, but a faint crunch frightens me. Everything feels so new, so different. I have stepped into another dimension, but I drift back once my father pulls me into his arms. Then, abruptly, my vision fades into darkness. 

“Honey, Honey, please wake up! Please, we need you. Wake up! Wake up!” a woman wails, tears streaming down her face. My eyes flutter open to see my mother, who is dazed beyond recognition.  

“Rhea! I thought we lost you. I couldn’t bear…” mother’s sentence floats away. I have so many questions, but her bewilderment brought many more. What happened to me?

It took me a minute to ask my parents the question that burned in the back of my head. It had burned a crater through my skull; my thoughts were streaming from my consciousness like a waterfall. But as I spoke these fateful words, every memory came back to me, inundating my mind. 

I could hear Aubin’s gleeful giggle as he chased the crisp flaming leaves toward the street, a car raced down into his path. I heard myself yelling at him, begging him to stop. What kind of sister lets her brother into the street? Then, in the blink of an eye, I leaped towards Aubin, pushing him out of the way. But it was too late for me. Closer and closer, I could have reached out and touched the shiny Ford. I could see my reflection in the green, sunbathed hood as it skidded down the street, towards my fragile body.  It was too close for comfort, but my priority was Aubin and his sacred little soul. He was safe, but when the car collided with me I crumbled to the ground. Thankfully, I watched Aubin walk away unscathed; just before  I went out like a flame in the wind.  

Days later, most of which spent in bed, I wander back outside to see trees ablaze. My world spins, causing me to careen down, towards the pavement. I take a profound and chilling breath, allowing me to regain posture. Straightening my back made me feel as if I could fly up to the sky; soar around with the birds. Talk and chat, share our memories, but my memories had been burned in a matter of seconds. Something so stunning has left an awful taste in my mouth. Autumn leaves will forever be the death of me. Yet, I find a way to pull myself back up, the crackles and crunches of dry leaves overload my brain; I couldn’t sort through this abundance of information. 

I run back inside, which fills me with pride, just to know I can run is comforting. I continued to race down the halls, to check in on Aubin. He had a cold and wasn't feeling well so I was supposed to stay away. The doctors didn't want me to get sick, it could cause me to relapse which would result in a further injury. But I longed to embrace him, twirl my brother through the air. Eventually, I would let him fall into my arms; a final embosom.  Aubin knew I meant well but just couldn't express it. All my emotions felt as if they were crumbled in a tight paper ball. I toss the ball towards people but they dodge it. All they see is my injury, not me; not feelings or thoughts, just an illness. 

This became prominent as I slowly recovered, I noticed people began to see me differently. I felt as if my injury found a way to change people’s minds about me. Strange as it may seem, even my friends were different; whether the transition was good or bad. Worst of all, I would have to go back to school; sooner than later. If my friends and teachers treated me differently now, within the white-wash walls of the school building; it would be even worse. The things they could say behind my back, their lack of knowledge; it will start a bonfire of rumors. I could worry, but I had more pressing matters to attend to. As I continued to recuperate Aubin began to drift farther away.

 He blames himself for my predicament, he's seven, but shares the kind-hearted mind of my father. No child I have met can compare to the compassion Aubin shows; I love him dearly and it pains me to watch him burn himself away. Yet, no matter how I solace his broken spirit; Aubin refuses to vanquish the blame. No words or actions can bring him to reevaluate the situation we were placed in. I pray that he will find himself again soon. Once I am able, I will relight his flame.

Although it took me many months to regain balance after the collision; I began to feel like myself again. Aubin did not, and at this point, I had no idea how to change that. 

“Just give him time.” my father suggested. 

“He’ll get better.” my father claimed. Yet I wasn’t so sure. Aubin had been hurt by the incident too, in an emotional sense. Leaving our overstretched and exhausted father to take care of him while our slacking mother tossed away responsibility in some fancy resort. Who has cared for this depressed seven-year-old, I had thought my parents; until I came home and met the new Aubin. The one who witnessed the near-death of his sister, without a confidant. That could traumatize an adult, nonetheless a child. Although it scared me to watch Aubin drift away from me, there was nothing I could do about it.

Months later, when I fully recovered from the accident, I had to learn to accept that Aubin would never be his “normal” self again. So, I tried to acknowledge that things would be different in our relationship.  No more chasing each other for hours around the yard, trying to catch the blazing leaves with giggles and glee; but that was ok, at least Aubin was still here with me. Then, three months after “the incident” I returned to school. It was strange to see the people I used to know, how much they had changed; but I loved to reconnect with the people I used to know.  

After the day in the monotonous, antiseptic-smelling hospital room, my mother had left. I came home to see everything of my mother’s packed away; or that it had disappeared completely- along with her. Yet, I still had my brother and father; who helped me find a new normal, new happiness in life. I was finally content; and by the time I step outside, the leaves are on fire.