All in my head

Standing in the middle of the stage, in front of uncountable people. It was a one time in life opportunity, which I didn’t ask for, but I got it. Although I am doing it only to get an onstage experience, frankly to improve the chances of my resume being picked in the market. As my aim was to work hard, probably land onto one of the backstage jobs. But this thought which everyone implanted into my head about having an on stage experience could help me understand the artist and character when I actually work on supporting them, landed me here.

A night before:

It was a night of nightmares.

I was twisting and tossing in tracks on my bed. I tossed my phone into the desk drawer, it won’t let me sleep and sleep is all I need tonight, which I don’t see coming to me anytime soon. I tried to exhaust myself, to two reasons. One exhaustion can put humans to sleep pretty quickly. Two, I am in real need of mind diversion from tomorrow. I cycled for a while, that felt relaxing. But as soon as I washed up the sweat and looked at myself in the mirror the tension began to return. I changed the sheets, scented my room with organic scents for better sleep. When everything didn’t work, I searched for a book. Wasn’t specific with the concept of what I was going to read. Books are great sleeping pills, one line or a paragraph, whatever it is, but high rate of successful sleep, an evergreen technique. Every book I pick had something disturbing, either the context was complex or the story was horror. I had to sneak into my little sister’s room. She is still in her kindergarten, and everyone’s in the home already at bed. I tip-tossed and walked just like my cat when it sneaks in and out my window.

I sneaked out, took the stairs and left. But I heard sounds, maybe mourns? I couldn’t differentiate but the thought of having another sibling felt scary. I can’t baby sit my enter life. I thought to myself.

Glad they are busy, because not one heard the unlocking clicks the handle made, when I pressed and turned it with utmost care. As I step in, I find my sister, rolled like a ball covered in Disney themed blankets but she reminded me of a Pokémon called Sandshrew that rolls into itself to sleep or to protect itself. Anyways, she looked cute. Cute enough to raise an urge with in me to pat her gently on her head and kiss her good night. Just then

“You’re not her mom, and this isn’t her true self, remember the other day, when she dropped a glass on you and watch you bleed?” my inner voice strike me with facts.

“Get the book and be gone” it continued

In here, I don’t have to walk slowly because, when my sister is asleep not even an apocalypse can wake here up.

On my way, back to my room, I can hear gasping sounds.

“Break it is” I thought.

Just as I said books work and it did.

Soon after I lay down and began reading “once upon a time, there was a ……..”

Yeah that’s all I remember, I did read something beyond that but that’s all I read consciously, rest is sleep read. I was fast asleep, clearly having no idea when the book in my hand slipped out. All this hard work handed me into a dream, more like series of dreams.

In one dream, I was on the stage, holding something like mic and my vision was completely blurred. I could hear the whispers from the backstage, asking me to begin, but I was still, static, my mind blank. I was standing there dumb, clearly not listening to the request of me to get down and announcement of another participants to take over the stage. All the noises around me were bee music to me, dropping me into sleep with their non-sink tune. And just when I faint on the stage while the red curtains fall in front of me. I wake up, with a deep breathe.

I gasped and sat on bed. My eyes wide open. My brain trying hard to avoid the dream which felt realistic and insisted to stay in my head even after popping out of it. My hand reached out to the water beside the bed. I gulped down half of the bottle in single go.

Its ok it’s just a dream I said to myself, till I fall back into my dreams once again, hoping the dream don’t continue.

This time, I was sleeping beauty, deep in the oceans of sleep and waiting for her prince to kiss and wake here up. With my eyes tightly closed, I first felt the touch of an unfamiliar hand, rough, hard, rigid, dry, and cold. It felt this person grew up working in the fields. Then I felt something growing from his fingers that first poked me slightly. Later it kept growing, digging into my skin. A terrible pain led to fear to open my eyes. I could feel the blood leaking out from me, wetting my fancy dress and giving me immense pain. I could sense something moving closer to me and it’s not even the time to kiss. For a fraction of second I assumed the pain and blood I felt were all in the dream. As the intense in the stab increased, I broke open my eyes, only to see a creature, half human, a human face covered in animal fur. At the first sight at it, a scream came out even before my brain process the situation. I tried to break free from it, but its hands are already dug deep into me. And when I tried hard to push it away, it took my hand with it. At the site of which I almost fainted. Only to be caught by it once again. I fell into my own arms which were attached to someone else now.

The dream felt so intense, the fear took over my sleeping body. I could feel heebie-jeebie and my neck, filled with sweat.

Although, the dream ended, it only gave way to another one.

In here, I was a passionate singer. I am singing on a stage, despite the audience threw every damn thing they got to their hand, on to me.

It was followed by another dream, my ex came to watch me on stage and I am dressed like a tree because one of the tree was damaged, my staff came up with this idea, such an embarrassing situation.

The next one was half good, my D-day became an actual disaster day with the earth-quake collapsing the entire auditorium. But the worst thing is I’m on it. I took me along with everything else.

After a series of damn unwanted dreams, few of which felt so realistic. I woke up an hour ahead of my alarm. I walked, skipped, and jogged. Did everything before I get ready for the day.

The D-Day (Before entering the stage)

None in the home had a clue. I didn’t want them to think I’m over thinking. However, mom and dad were too busy. At the table, dad asked us

“Emily, how are your classes?”

Even before I answer his attention moved on to his second daughter.

Her face covered with cream and bread crumbs. My dad, with a napkin wiped her lips and found me watch him do it.

“What are you watching? We took the same care to you, when you are young?” he highlighted the past which wasn’t registered in my mind.

“Easiest way to shut someone up” I thought, grabbed my bag and left.

“Leaving half eaten food on the table isn’t manners” followed a shout behind.

It was a winter, I don’t remember the count of the cloth layers on me. I had to walk abandoning my bike, for it began to snow. “Damn, it isn’t Christmas, why snow now?” I wanted to scream but passed it.

I reached the set early. Unlike every other day, I entered the auditorium from the front, trying to imagine myself over it. But I still can’t get the glimpse of myself there. I wonder if I don’t want to see myself there or was there anything stopping me to be there.

I could hear someone call me over the top of their voice

“Emily….

Emily…..

Here, in the back….”

After trying to follow the voice, I found a little face popping out from small opening of the curtain. It was Zen.

“Need help” she signed me to come in.

I pushed the curtains away and stepped in, It was a place I practically spent my entire time in my bachelors but it felt new to me, maybe it’s just the stress.

“Finally she is here” said one, half dress in a gown and walked towards me.

“Fix it, it’s not my size” she handed me over a set of pins.

“Oh, yeah, I will”, I said and I began helping out one after the other in a series that I lost track of time.

Suddenly when I am between fixing someone’s hair, I heard my name in the announcement, I got froze, at the place I was standing. My friend pushed me forward and told, “Just kick start it and leave the rest to us.” As I was being pushed forward. And my steps took towards the stage. I could hear our opening BGM, and audience clap. At this point, my mind functioning status is equal to zero and my feet are on auto walk.

And then in a second, I found myself on the stage. My face, expressionless, or maybe deadly expression, with the chills touching my spine and me forgetting why what’s happening in and around me?

I could hear sounds, from behind the stage asking me to begin. It seemed like my dream. And that thought terrified me more.

Just when I thought I will faint, I found my little sister running into the auditorium from the door, just next to the stage. That awakened me, brought me into this world. Being her nanny, all these days, an immediate urge to run behind here and hold her before she causes any further disturbance in the hall rose. That’s when, I found my mom running behind her, trying to put up with my little sister’s speed, apologizing to everyone.

My dad from behind, waving at them and pointing to their seats.

I was surprised. I thought they didn’t know. My mom, picked her production, gave me a glare (which either meant “do well or I will kill you” or “be done with it already”). It doesn’t matter, I know whom not to disappoint.

I began ...." “Hmm…. Ha…. Ha-ha. mic testing…” and I could listen to a voice responding “what are you testing?” from behind

“Does she have a mic” someone inquired someone else whom I can’t see at this point.

I wanted to shout at them “I can hear you” I couldn’t do that as the show just began.

Getting back to the show, I began awkwardly “oops, no mic…” playing with my hands. Then someone helped me with the beginning from behind the walls.

“The beginning of this story……..” said someone. I could catch begin… stor… and I kick started again

“jokes apart, let’s began today's play and the work behind it……”

I wouldn’t say I nailed it….. The show ended, I could feel the heaviness in my heart. Although, the pressure is gone. The surprise is still there. But there’s more, I realized, I loved the stage. People responding to my narration, responding with nodes and claps once in a while. If I am not wrong I heard a whistle even though I suspect it was my dad, I loved it. It wasn’t smooth. The words didn’t flow by themselves. But when the narration took the charge it was great. In the middle at one point, when the pin made a resound, it broke the flow of narration, bringing me back to reality. Scaring me. And few more such situations but I came back to track again and again and pulled it off, till the end.

At the end, the picture became clear. I could see people and their expressions too. First row is occupied by the faculty. My physics lecturer who humiliated me for running late to class due to my periods is now looking at me with an perplexed expression which is saying both “ wait, what?.... what is she doing there? And that’s a pleasant surprise?”

Not just him, all the applaud I received made my day.

Maybe I would want to try it anytime in future. But it would be with no stress and absolute preparation.

As soon as the show ended, my parent’s visited me and I was glad. But my mom being herself, gave me my sister and told, she’s your duty. And just before she leave she said, it was good and your sister insisted us be here.

I know it wasn’t my sister, it was she.

My dad tried to kiss me but my little sister jumped in and took it for herself. They waved us goodbye.

I am back on to my bed, replaying today. The roller coaster my heart went through and the butterflies I am still feeling. I realized, it wasn’t bad and no one were specifically scaring. There were no things thrown, no scary monsters appearances, and no ex’s presences. It was all just in my head. Scaring myself, putting me awake giving multiple possibilities. Best part, I had my family, infront of me, in the stands, watching me with love and always having my back.