Thanks A Lot

Thanks A lot 

I wished I had never seen the message. I’ve had this nagging feeling these past few days that has been telling me that something just wasn’t right. Then this morning as I get on my face book account to just scan to see what has happened since my last visit early last night. And there it was....the words in my messages that my daughter’s father is dying.   

My first thoughts go back to when we were together. What a life we had. We were so young. I was 15 when we had our daughter. There was never a single moment that I did not want her. I couldn’t say that I was thrilled knowing that I was pregnant, but I never thought otherwise. 

Part of me was excited because I was going to have something of my very own that I could love unconditionally and it would love me back unconditionally. I have seen love and what it is supposed to look like. I watched families together and they were always so different from mine. They were kind and loving to each other. I grew up with sarcastic and slaps on the head for some unknown reason to me. And this baby was going to be something all mine and something I could love more than anything else in the world.   

And I did, to the extent that I could myself. You see, I am sick. I never knew or realized this until later in my life. Much later. You see, I am bi-polar. It’s not something you would notice, it can only be seen if you really get to know me. It’s not something you can describe to someone else because they would never understand, never. I never looked at it until my daughter was diagnosed as a severe Bi-Polar/Schizophrenic.  

It's been really hard on me and knowing that I had passed it down to my daughter kills me. I have a very hard time dealing with mental illness. I think it's the not knowing that scares me. Now I am at a point in my life where I have to make a decision. Do I take it upon myself now to take on the responsibility of my daughter? Or do I let my daughter try to live a life without me in it and without the one person she trusted and looked up to, her father who is now gone. 

Now I know that I have passed this illness onto my daughter and she is much worse than I am. She hears voices and really believes that they are talking to her. These voices, she calls them, I think is her subconscious and she just can’t distinguish that. She can seem really with it for long periods of time, but then there are periods where she just isn’t comprehending.   

She pushed me away a long time ago. I just never saw it coming. They say that you are born with it and the older you get, the worse it will become. And it did. I lived up to its expectations, I just never saw it coming. Or I didn’t want to see it coming. I just had no idea that an illness could be so corrosive on a persons’ life. I would have never thought that I would be living this kind of life, with such circumstances as this. What kind of cruelties there are in this life is beyond my comprehensions, thank goodness or I would curl up and die.    

In reality, I come from a whole line of sick people. My family that I have left behind because I could not comprehend their lifestyles. I was sickened by their beliefs.  So I left the family, cult as I know it as. I followed my families generations and found that we are actually what people would call, “Mountain People”. Yeah, no joke. They are a different type of humanity. They remind me of animals. They really are no more to me than animals.   

I see the reasons behind the way my family was. It doesn’t mean that I would allow beliefs like that in my life.....because I wouldn’t. I have myself to consider in all of this and what I truly believe in. And that is where I went wrong apparently. I never believed in anyone else. I only believed in myself because no one believed in me. My family would have loved to see me living under a bridge, cold, and lonely. Only then would they be happy for me.   

See, now I think, “what goes around comes around.....”. This is my belief! I am a true believer of whatever you give out, it will come back around and get you three times as hard. Well, I only see it in the bad. When the bad comes, it really hits hard and keeps hitting. How do you make it all stop? How do you make this all better? 

Anyway, Life went on and two years ago she pushed me right out of her life totally after I quit giving her all of my money that I worked for. I even opened a bank account just for her and would put my money into that account so she always had money, but that wasn’t enough.  So when I quit giving her all of my money, she pushed me out and in the most horrific way. She finally pushed it beyond the point that I could no longer go back to the life I just thought I had. My idea of life itself had just taken a spin and it was out of control. I can not understand her behavior and her thoughts were so vile, like she spit in my face and had no remorse for what she was standing in front of me saying. I went numb as those words fell from her lips, onto my ears and into my mind. The thought that she put into my head was burned there. It wasn’t so much that I believed the words, it was the vile, meanness behind her words. The nerve she had to stare me right in the face and tell me those words. I knew in my heart that she was lying.   

There was no way that those words spoken were true. That was the last I cared about her. I pulled away, gave up.  Now I am struck with this dilemma. I don’t know what to do. I am limited in my life, but something tells me that I should go to her. But I am afraid of the consequences of going to her.   

I am now scared. I feel alone because my husband hates her for what words she spoke about him and I am torn between the right thing to do and what I am feeling in my heart.

My thought’s this day.....”Thanks A Lot my dear friend”, for this information. Thanks A Lot