Ups and Downs

*Trigger Warning: This story contains sensitive content including self-harm, substance abuse, physical violence/abuse, and mental health issues.

My best friend and I watched each other bob up and down in turn, bouncing slowly together on the seesaw. We both paused at the bottom to give the other a moment above the noise. There was nobody else in the playground with us, but it was getting towards dark, so that wasn't really all that surprising. Soon we'd have to leave or risk a fine ourselves. In the meantime, anybody other than a cop walking past the park might wonder what two young men, still clearly adults, were doing on a seesaw but we didn't care. It was tradition. This was where we always came to talk about difficult things, ever since we had met at seven years old. Jace and I had been there for each other when nobody cared if we lived or died. I'd been there for him when his dad died and Jace had let me stay at his place when my mom, apparently tired of beating the shit out of me, kicked me out. He'd saved my life a few times and I'd done the same for him because it was us against the world and we had each other's backs no matter what. We'd promised long ago and never broken that oath once. Jace sighed deeply and started, knowing I wouldn't.

"OK, Den, what's eatin' you tonight?" He asked dramatically, teasing my inability to start conversations. I'd always hated my name, Dennis. I'd been named after my deadbeat dad who died driving drunk when I was twelve. Jace had started calling me Den, and it had just felt right. Everyone followed Jace's lead. He was always like that, magnetic, charming, able to motivate people and make them feel so special to him that they fell over themselves to be around him. But they were special to him. He told me once that he cared so much it scared him sometimes because it meant that knowing how many people in the world were suffering weighed on him. I didn't understand, but I tried my best to help carry it with him.

I'd do anything for him, just like he'd do anything for me. But tonight I was angry with him. Like, really, really mad. Worse than that. I was livid. I'd read that word in a book once and the shape of it seemed to fit the way I felt.

“I'm livid with you, that's what, Jace. I'm so livid I wanna scream.” Jace leaned back into his turn on the ground, giving me extra time in the quiet. When he went back up he spoke,

“So scream.” I glared at him,

“I'm not gonna scream and get the cops called on us, dude, don't be stupid.” I pushed off the ground, cutting his time above me short for coming back with such a dumb response. He shrugged, accepting the punishment without complaint.

“I know apologizing isn't going to do anything for you, but I really am sorry, Den. It's not like I planned it. It just sort of happened. It couldn't have happened to anyone, you know that.” I sneered, gritting my teeth and blowing air through my nose like an angry bull.

“But it didn't 'just happen to anyone' did it, Jace? Did it?!?” There was so much anger boiling up inside me I thought I might explode. His eyes were full of regret and sorrow, but I was too far gone to give a shit. “How dare you, Jace? How dare you?!?” he shook his now bowed head, staying on the ground now,

“It was an accident, Den, I swear. I didn't mean to. You have to know I would never have done that to you on purpose. Please tell me you know that.” I tried to ignore the way his voice broke because I wasn't sure. I couldn't tell him without a doubt that I knew he hadn't done it on purpose. That was the worst part. I would never know for sure whether or not my best friend had betrayed me. There was nobody else I could ask. Nobody else knew either. I wished with all my heart that I could believe him. I hopped up a little to force myself down to the ground,

“I don't know that. You have to answer for this shit, man. Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? It's tearing me apart. I can't function anymore and it's your fault! You did this to me!” I was yelling now, in spite of my earlier, perfectly logical objection. “You just left!” I felt my anger warping and fought to stay on course. “You didn't even say anything, you just left!” the pain in his eyes pierced through my rage.

“I had to go. I didn't have a choice, Den. You know that!” he begged me to understand, asking for my forgiveness.

“It's not fair, Jace. Just because you didn't have a choice, I'm the one that gets to deal with the consequences. You have no idea what my life looks like because of this crap, man. I feel like I'm gonna lose it. Everything is different now and I don't know how to do stuff anymore.” Jace sighed,

“I know it's not fair. I'm sorry about that too. I'd change it if I could, but I can't. It's going to get better though, I promise.” I snorted, my anger softening to something far more terrifying. I felt a tear escape the walls of my will and slide down my cheek.

“Some things can't be fixed once they're broken.” I saw anger in Jace's eyes now.

“You're not broken, Den. You're the strongest person I know. You're stronger than I'll ever be. You'll get through this because that's what we do, you and me. We survive. We always have been, Den. You got this. I promise that you can do this. I promise on my life, Den.” I started ugly crying at this last promise that he would never keep. He would never keep another promise to me again. He would never do a lot of things again.

“You can't promise on something you don't have anymore, Jace.” I reminded him, still crying, staring up at the empty space where my best friend should have been. That asshole had the nerve to overdose somewhere I wouldn't find him and now I was all alone against the world. “I don't know how to do this without you.” I whispered. “What happened? We had three years clean, Jace. Why did you go back out? Why did you hide from me? I could have saved you!!!” But I knew the answer. I was all too familiar with the shame and guilt that ate away at your hope that someone might care enough to help. I knew Jace had been too ashamed not to hide. He couldn't help it. I knew this, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

“It's not your fault, Den.” I heard him even though I couldn't see him anymore. “I hereby forbid you from using me as an excuse to use, Den. Don't forget, we agreed when we got clean that if one of us fell, it would not bring the other down. We made a pact.” I sobbed harder,

“It was never supposed to come to this.” I felt his hand on my shoulder and I leaned into the feeling I knew was an illusion. I didn't really care.

“You're right, it shouldn't have come to this. It has, though, and I'm so sorry, but you have to hold on. You still have work to do.”