The Holy Family,

Have you ever had an afternoon delight done right? Lynette was now a personal explorer, in unfamiliar territory. The curtains were drawn, a scented candle lightened the way for her new discoveries. In bed with Bridget for the first time. Sensuality was making sense, Lynette finally found what she did know she had been seeking. She had one day been chopping up tabbouleh at her teenager's tuck shop, preparing vegan choices for lunch. Vegans could really annoy Lynette's dad, old Walter. He said tabbouleh was only 'lawn clippings'.

As she was laughing to herself, the president of the Catholic College's tuck shop committee bumped into her, asking what the joke was. Soon, she and Bridget were giggling as they shared funny dad jokes over coffee, bonding. One tingling hand led to another, and true love flowered, with a woman's touch.

Lynette had to keep this a secret. Her ex-husband, Gordon, had never made her feel like this. But how could she tell Jassy, their teen, or Gordie, as he was now known? He had married some floozy bimbo, who made everyone else look and feel older, past their use-by date.

Then Gordie phoned. Frannie, the next potential ex-wife, was pregnant. Lynette told Jassy, "You're going to have an ugly stepbrother!" Bridget cooked up a plan, so Lynette sent Jassy to live with Gordie and Frannie, that loving couple.

Old Walter was quite upset, he had always aimed for a holy Catholic family with traditional values. Lynette and Bridget devised some real world first-hand insights on strategies for Jassy to take on her stepmother. The aim was to wreck Gordie's future relationships, all of them.

Meanwhile, Lynette and her brother had promised to visit Old Walter every Sunday after lunch, to check on how he was managing his single life. Walter truly dreaded this weekly encounter. In the darkened hours before dawn, he got fresh air and exercise sneaking around his neighborhood, hiding his solo binge drinking empty beer cans in the recycling bins of everyone else.

Classic! He was not supposed to drink alone. Lynette and Greggles, her brother, came over as usual, stocking Walter's fridge with spinach. He called that stuff 'rabbit food'. Salad containers overflowed, more 'lawn clippings'. Old Walter handled all this in his own methodical manner.

Before his holy Catholic offspring visited him, he removed the batteries from his hearing aids, and 'lost' them. No, there were none so deaf at any age who dodge their audiologist's best efforts.He just smiled and waited for the freeloaders to head on home, very serene, not listening to a word they said.

Old Walter did suspect Lynette and Bridget were these days batting for the 'custard tarts' as he labelled the LGBTQIA community of modern times. But he did not comment. Beer was more important to peace.

Jassy was soon residing in her own junior witchiness. Frannie found one day that Jassy's red socks ended up in a load of white washing. Neon pink was very inclusive for Gordie, who bravely manned up to no longer wearing snow white shirt and singlets in his workplace.

Frannie cooked a roast dinner, with all the trimmings. Gordie was expectant, but only a slab of raw meat appeared. The oven had mysteriously turned itself to zero, so nothing polite was heard to be said. It was all quite wiccan. Raw meat was not quite Gordie's indulgence.

Jassy went to the supermarket with Frannie, and suddenly yelled at the top of her voice, "You are a frigid slut, you're wrecking my father's life. Your baby is going to be ugly and retarded, just like you!" The housewives were listening in, and snickered.

Gordie and Frannie, very upset, consulted Jassy's Catholic School Counselor, about these 'behaviors of concern'. Very buzz words. "Life is for the living, let's get on with things." Gordie suggested to Frannie.

Back at his vintage fading home, Old Walter kept on plastering every meal of worst style fat sausages and spuds with salt, eating store puddings and pastries, every wrong choice his doctors warned him about, constantly. Walter actually lived to nearly ninety years old. He had literally pickled every one of his vital organs with his long years of alcohol consumption. His beloved wife had passed over, no more nagging about his beers. Yet another Holy Catholic family secret.

One night, Old Walter's number was finally up, and he ascended the golden staircase to join the genuine Holy Catholic family upstairs. Every organ preserved, as if he had been drinking formalin.

Old Walter had always stuck to his religious beliefs. "Catholics get the best send-offs, best booze and tall tales." That was his motto, often heard. He left behind his lapsed Catholic earthly family. But the requiem mass was beautiful, the choir sang the old hymns like angels. The morning tea in the old church hall was very nice.

Old Walter had always wanted a good send-off, so that is what he got. His mates from the pub and the old football club all shared more than a drink or two. Laughter was loud, funny Old Walter stories, great memories of a local legend. The football old boy network offered to build Old Walter a sarcophagus of empty beer cans, but Lynette did not think that was really amusing.

Kind thoughts, indeed. Lynette eventually found the batteries for Old Walter's hearing aids, rolled under the couch with the other dust balls. She and Bridget announced their same-sex wedding, as they both became the 'bros', custard tarts in love!

Jassy did mature, got a job, leased her own flat. Not before she had destroyed all Frannie's flower seedlings with weed spray. Jassy declared loudly to anyone who would listen that, "I am never going near the Catholic Church ever again!" No more she did, no more she did...

But, upon reflection, despite her weirdo parents and the 'rabbit food', Jassy is more than holding her own, somewhere in society today. Old Walter's Holy Catholic family on earth sort of drifted apart. His number had finally come up, some when, some year. Many a beer for bumping into true love, many a beer.......