Sins of Survival

A voice sounded nearby, signaling the danger closing in. With my luck it was probably too late already. Trembling, I slid deeper into the shrubs that were starting to scratch through my protective clothing and pull blood from my skin. Couldn’t be helped. Surface wounds couldn’t even begin to compare to what ailments would befall me if I was to be discovered. 

Branches cracked loudly to my left and I held in a gasp as I tried to turn around without giving my position away. They had been on my right just a moment ago, and not that close. Could there be more than one? There’s no way he could be that fast getting around me. That silent. Turning my head to peer through the leaves I felt a sharp pain at the back of my neck, followed by liquid flowing down over my collar bone. I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain, the sharp wood was still embedding itself in my neck and I couldn’t move without tearing more of my skin. 

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. How was I going to get myself out of this one? I’d been in plenty of “sticky situations” but this was just getting ridiculous! There was a flicker of something, someone, passing in front of the light that fell on my bush. I inhaled sharply before I could stop myself and immediately bit down on my lip, tasting blood as I tried to force myself to be still and quiet. Sometimes taking care of yourself is like having a pet or a baby, the body does not always listen to the mind. I had to take control of myself or soon enough someone else would. 

“Shit, no-!” I yelled out as I was ripped from my hiding spot without warning. A hand clamped over my mouth, breaking off my cry. My arm was held in a tight grip and the stranger pulled me backwards, keeping a hold of me as they did. They pulled me close and hard to them behind a tall oak, never releasing their grip on my mouth. I broke out into a cold sweat and my eyes widened to their full potential, trying to take in my captor. All I could make out was a shape of a person covered completely in black, I couldn’t even see hair. 

The stranger shoved my body hard into the tree, causing me to grunt. This only tightened the hand on my mouth. I glanced at them and noticed how they’d flattened against the tree and realized I was supposed to do the same. Was this someone else on the run, like me? Were the quacks after this person too? Or was this one worse than them? I didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter, but from what I could tell, it seemed we at least had an enemy in common. Plus, I’d rather take my chances with a loner than the Association. 

There were running footsteps headed in our direction and I drew in a breath, holding it as long as I could, desperately wanting to close my eyes but not daring to risk it. The running slowed and I could hear tree and shrub limbs being poked and prodded. I could almost discern the sound of wood scraping metal; however, I could also just chalk that up to previous experience. I knew they used their metal batons whenever there was a runner. The person holding me had frozen so completely I wasn’t sure they even had a heartbeat over there. 

“CRACK- Brenner- crackle.... Where-... BACK NOW!” A radio that no doubt was holstered to my pursuer's shoulder hissed and crackled in complaints. A male voice swore and an unclipping sound too close for comfort was audible as the man brought the radio to his mouth.

“Whatever it is better be damned important, I’m sure you just ruined me. Over.” A loud stomping commenced as the Associate took out his frustration on the quiet stillness of the woods. His angry tramping faded away, absorbed by the soft leaves underfoot and the lush trees. 

Ages seemed to pass as we stood there, both completely unmoving until a cloud passed over the moon, plunging us into darkness. Apparently darkness represented safety to the one in black, because as soon as I couldn’t see past my nose they dropped their hands from me and moved a few steps away from the tree. I breathed in a loud, shaky sigh and ran a hand over the back of my neck, feeling a wetness there that didn’t seem to be slowing. 

“Shush!” the figure hissed at me. “You think you’re safe?” I couldn’t tell by the whisper whether it was a man or a woman, but my stomach churned with unease all the same. Safe from who?

“Who-” Another hush from the stranger made me lower my voice to just a breath, “Who are you?” My body was shaking and sweat caused my clothes to stick to every part of me. I briefly thought of puking, but used my adrenaline to dismiss it.

“Doesn’t matter.” The voice was slightly higher pitched now, coming just above a whisper. “We split up now, you almost gave me away with your whole living bush routine.”

“Excuse me!” I raised my voice as the moonlight fought to gather back its power. A black gloved hand reached out in the darkness, urging me to keep it down. I changed to my inside voice and continued, “You were the one who was snapping every twig in the woods.” The stranger tipped their head to the side.

“Are you stupid?” I definitely didn’t feel the need to respond to that question. Me? Stupid? I’d been the only one in a year to escape the Association not only once, but twice! Yeah, sure I got caught the first time, but no one else even made it out the door. Stupid my…. “I guess you are. Don’t get me involved in your foolishness. The boys here can never figure it out.” The stranger was speaking louder now, I could definitely discern it was female.

“Figure out what? Who are you? Where did you come from? Are you an associ-” A gloved palm met with my ear, hard. I cried out and clutched it as pain bloomed on the side of my head.

“Don’t ever call me that. I’m not one of the quacks.” So this girl definitely knew all about the Association. She had to be involved with them, somehow. No one outside the Association knew what it really was, and from my experience only the Guests called the Associates “quacks.” She couldn’t be a guest though, could she? She seemed too old.

“Okay then, who are you? And-shit, can you help me with this?” No longer able to ignore my pain or bleeding I turned around to indicate my throbbing wound. I felt, rather than heard, her step closer to inspect my neck. She made a tsking sound with her tongue.

“So it was more of a fight with a bush rather than turning a bush into a living, moving creature, was it?” I rolled my eyes as she chuckled. I wasn’t about to go running off at the mouth when this was the only person who could help me without having to go back. A loud rip rang out in the night and I felt a piece of cloth dabbing at the cut on my neck, causing me to wince and pull away. “Now stay still. I have to get this blood off to see how bad it really is.” I stilled with an annoyed sigh as she scraped rough linen over my open wound. 

“Well?” After a while I crossed my arms, running short on patience. Paranoia started to chew on me as well. She had been completely silent as she repeatedly applied pressure to my neck.

“How long have you been a Guest?” she whispered as if my answer was the catalyst that might stop my blood flow. I shifted my weight.

“Thirteen months.” The moment stretched forever, neither one of us saying another word as she pulled back her cloth. I turned around to see her clutching it tensely. Her face, cloaked in flowing black cloth, aimed away from me. I could just make out the shape of her nose and forehead through the fabric. I wanted to reach out and touch her just to see if she was real or if this was just another delusion I was having in my room, just waiting to wake up tearing apart my bed in rage. Finally, she breathed a word that I couldn’t make out. “What did you say?”

“Go… go back. You have to go back.” Her voice was full of such sadness and sorrow I felt it wrenching me from the inside out.

“No! I can’t go back there! I don’t know if you know what they do-”

“I know all about it,” she cut me off, her words tight and curt. “I’ve been out here, living in these woods. For.... for 3 years.” My jaw fell open in astonishment.

“How? Where?” I demanded, and finally the most important questions dismissed the far less important ones. “Why didn’t you go back home?” I almost screamed the very last word. How could she escape and then stay here? Why wouldn’t she want to go back to her family like the rest of us dream of doing? 

“You don’t understand. I was in the Association for 9 months. When I escaped… you didn’t go through the basement, did you? You went through the laundry room I bet.” I was taken aback at her correct assumption. She didn’t even wait for a reply.

“That’s how I tried before, but I set off the alarm and they chased me right away just like they did you. One day I figured out that whenever you see Cook leaving the kitchen after meals, she was going downstairs. I heard her one day and I knew it was my chance. You never even would have known there was a basement otherwise. One night I...I cut my roommate’s wrist, made it look like a suicide attempt. They rushed in at her, screaming, and paid no attention to me. That’s how I got to the basement.” 

She stopped and threw her hands over her already-covered face. I stood still, waiting for her to continue. I couldn’t push her. I could almost feel the waves of guilt and anguish coming off her. I knew she’d tell me if I waited. When she finally began again, her voice was labored, with sobs choked back into the recesses of her throat. 

“They keep us separate. You never saw someone after they’d been there longer than eighteen months. I never noticed the pattern. But... In that basement. It’s where they leave us… to die.” I could hear the tears finally making their way out as her voice broke. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to hear any more, but I couldn’t stop her either. 

“The sick experiments. They all lead to… to that. Those kids were laying on the cold hard floor, no blankets, no pillows. Hooked up to monitoring devices like us. But... These kids had no skin. Some of them had a little, obviously the newer ones. Patches here and there. The ones at the end… they… god I can’t!” She almost screamed. Finally I shook myself and asked the question burning in my mind.

“What does this have to do with my cut?” She lifted her head to look at me and I could finally see the glint of her eyes in the moonlight through her curtain. Letting out a long sigh, she turned away again.

“It’s too late. It’s too late for you. If you don’t have them treat that, your skin is already peeling away from you. You’ve had too many treatments. If you stay out here, you’ll probably bleed to death in a few days” I felt my heart fall into my stomach and then even lower. My body knew the truth but my brain refused to process it.

“No...no you’re wrong! How would you know? You were only in nine months!” I stopped. She began pulling off her gloves. Slowly, pulling up one fingertip at a time until one began to slide all the way off. Shaking, she lifted her hand to the moonlight and I was instantly overcome with nausea. I turned away from the grotesque sight of her scabbed hand with not a single fingernail left. 

“Do you believe me now?” She had turned her face away and I could barely hear her next words, “My hairs gone, too.” We stood in silence, the only sound was her pulling her glove back on. My thoughts were racing and yet I could capture none of them. I simply couldn’t go back. I’d die anyway, wouldn’t I? What was the point of any of it? Slowly, the girl began to back away, it took me so long to notice that her last words were practically carried on the delicate breeze.

“You have to go back, or you’ll die sooner.”

I guess I could have tried to go after her. But really, why should I? If she’s telling the truth then there’s nothing she could do to help me anyway. And if she was lying, well I wouldn’t know until it was too late, would I?

The air felt thick and I could smell the ozone hanging there. I started to walk in a path that I believed to be parallel with the Association building. A hopeful feeling came from my chest and swelled all the way into an idea.

“My parents can take me to a hospital! That’s it,” I whispered excitedly to the night as it grew darker still. “If I can get back to them...and they take me to a hospital. I’m sure I can get better! Right?” The night did not answer me, and neither did the strange girl who had ruined my life. 

“That’s right! This is her fault, she’s probably making up- but her hand… ah I don’t know!” I raised my voice without a care. What else could happen to me that was worse than what I’d already been through?

“There you are!” A rough hand seized the back of my neck, pressing painfully into my gash, and held me rooted to the spot.

“Hey!” I managed to call out in pain and surprise. My hands were pulled hard behind my back as I felt zip ties pulling them together, cutting off my blood flow.

“No more runnin’ boy, it’s time to get you back.” The voice was smug with an edge of irritation to it. Without another word he pushed his knee into my leg just enough to make me stumble, and then gave a hard shove to my shoulder. “Come on now, hurry up about it.” My face flushed in familiar, sweet rage. Anything was welcome to drown out my self-despair and utter resignation. 

“Don’t worry, I was going back anyway. I know all the secrets now. Not that it’ll do me any good. You’re a disgusting pile of shit.” At my last comment I got a literal swift kick in the ass that sent me sprawling into the dirt, right on my face. Before I could mumble into the grass in agony, I was dragged back to my feet by the back of my shirt.

“You saw her? Where is she? Tell me now and maybe I’ll take it easy on you, maybe I’ll even let them mend you up before you’re too worthless.” He rubbed his thumb into my cut back and forth. I clenched my teeth, holding in a scream as best I could. Suddenly, all I could feel was the fear of death. It came on out of nowhere, the true instinct to survive as long as possible. What if I were to die tonight? If I could at least live to tomorrow, maybe I could eventually figure shit out. I can’t if I’m dead today.

“She’s back that way!” I exploded, gesturing with my head the way I’d come from. I couldn’t help it, forgive me, I had to look out for myself. “If you hurry, you might get her.” I calmly stood aside and cast my eyes to the ground, my guilt not quite outweighing my desire to live. With not so much as a ‘stay here,’ the man took off running with such agility and silence that I just knew… I just knew.

I can’t say how long it took him to find her, how long I stood there waging war within myself over what I had done. All I know is before they got back, it started to rain. The first few drops made me flinch, and then I stood completely still and let the water soak into me. The rain was running down my hair and into my face, into my eyes and blurring my vision. I didn't move once. I felt the cold seeping in. I felt the water washing my blood away down my neck and back. The zip ties moved more freely on my wrists. I let the rain wash over me. Yet, it could not wash the blood off my hands, or the hate off my heart. No downpour could ever wash away my terrible betrayal, not only of the stranger, but my betrayal of another living soul. The rain will never be able to wash me clean again.