Promise Keeper

Kenny Jr’s only resolution for 2022 was to keep his word to those he loved. No, resolutions, just keep your word, man!! He would say to himself at least ten times a day. He wanted to do better and be better and he knew that started with following through. How hard can that be, he would scream. If you make a promise keep it. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. After all these years you would think his family would have given up on Kenny Jr, but they hadn’t. The only thing they wanted for him was for him to change. His older sister Jennifer didn’t expect a drastic overnight change, she just wanted a starting point. Kenny Jr. just knew that after what he did to her three years ago that it was over as far as his having a sister anymore. He admits it took her some time, but she forgave him. He knew it wasn’t for him but for her. He stole her checkbook and wrote almost $20,000 worth of checks before he was stopped. Kenny Jr. always felt bad about what he did, but it looked as if it was never bad enough to stop. 

    Kenny Jr. was raised in a loving home but his inability to keep promises was passed down. He’s often thought the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Mr. Kenny Lewis Jr. was a chip off the old block. His father Kenny Sr. seems to have made a game of not keeping promises which Kenny Jr. himself had perfected. The biggest promise he made and broke was the one to himself. The promise to never ever be like his father. Through his tears he would say, “I’m never going to treat my son like he does me.” Kenny Jr. and his sister Jennifer couldn’t have been any closer. And that’s how it was until senior remarried after their mother Lois Jean Lewis left. She couldn’t do it anymore is what she would tell him and Jennifer. Kenny Sr. had pushed her to the brink of death, not her but his. Lois Jean left after almost twenty-five years of marriage. Kenny Jr. was 8 and Jennifer was 10. Shirley was the calm before the storm, and she was the storm and calm would be no more. She came not long after Lois left, 1 maybe 2 years later. Both Kenny Jr. and Jennifer were still just kids. Kenny Sr. met Shirley at a bar in a town called Lost Most. Kenny Jr. and Jennifer tried to put things together to see had their dad been cheating on their mother, Lois Jean. They decided without proof, he had been because why would he all of a sudden start treating her so bad. His mistreatment was always toward Lois Jean, not the kids. During one of Kenny Jr. and Jennifer’s just them two family meeting, Kenny Jr. would say, “CHEATING!” and Jennifer would say “CHECK!” It was as if she was checking off groceries from a grocery list. But this was more serious, and they both knew it. They figured that senior thought if he treated Lois Jean bad enough, she would leave, and she did.

     It wasn’t enough he was cheating because momma took more then she should have. Kenny Jr. had to admit, as the song says, “never trust a big butt and smile.” He really felt that’s what happened to his father. Shirley batted those big blue eyes and he forgot he was married with two kids. Kenny Jr. and Jennifer admitted that daddy always drank but it went to another level after Shirley walked in. She was so manipulative and controlling, “Momma was never that way,” Jennifer would say during their family meeting. The fact that daddy didn’t drink like a fish out of water was because of momma, Jennifer would continue, with Kenny Jr agreeing with assurance.

    Kenny Jr. shook his head and came back to the here and now, thinking to himself that was enough of going back down memory lane. He often would find himself thinking about what was. He had to admit that those trips most often were painful. Lois Jean would keep in touch as best she could and as much as Shirley would let her. Daddy was always cheating with Lois Jean according to Shirley. Jennifer would say that’s what she gets, she cheated with daddy on momma and now you worried. He got himself a huge headache when he got Shirley. Momma couldn’t bring us gifts or anything without it turning into a fight between daddy and Shirley. There was times where Lois Jean would put her foot down and tell Shirley “you ain’t keeping me from my kids.” “We were granted joint custody in the divorce decree; Lois Jean would declare. Shirley would try it regardless. It was Lois Jean using the word we, that would drive her closer to crazy. “We, there ain’t no we, that’s my husband”, she would shout.  On Momma’s weekends, Shirley would throw a fit. She told Daddy once. “You drop them off and don’t stop and don’t get out of your truck!” Daddy goes, “what you want for me to push them out as I drive by”, woman you crazy!!!” Jennifer got to the point she didn’t want to go but Momma would make her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go, it was the chaos that lead up to their going was out of control.

    “Damn”, Kenny Jr. thought. “There I go again riding down memory lane”. “How are you doing Kenny?’ A voice from behind caught his attention, a voice he hadn’t heard before. He had never been to LAND Behavioral Health before. His sister Jennifer told him about it, it was new in town. “I’m good”, he replied as he turned to look at the young lady behind him. He thought in that moment he had seen an angel. His next thought was, “Please God Oh Higher Power Man, don’t let her be a worker here!” He knew if she was, he did not have a chance in hell. “My name is Jill Kilpatrick and I will be your therapist while you here.” “Is that okay?” “Yes. that will be fine”, Kenny replied. He tried his best to not show the level of disappointment he felt. He wondered if she could see it. “And you can call me KJ for Kenny Jr”, he told her. And you can call me Miss Jill”, she responded in kind. KJ, wondered if Miss Jill was available.

           There first session together was two days after their introduction. It went well as far as he was concern. Miss Jill was pretty good at pulling out stuff. She also conducted three groups and KJ had to attend at least two of three weekly. He had to admit to his sister that he really didn’t want to be there because this was the fourth treatment center he had been at. He also had to admit that Miss Jill made a difference. She wasn’t some old know it all but was willing to hear the clients’ hearts. Jennifer teased him, “you like Miss Jill”. He would of course deny it but it wasn’t a denial, it was the truth, he didn’t like her that way, he respected her.  This time it wasn’t someone yelling and belittling the clients with, “just stop using drugs, stop drinking!” It was someone saying let’s open this can of worms that got you to this place in the first place. Miss Jill would say, “if you could stop on your own, you wouldn’t be here.” This go around KJ did something he never has done before, though he’d been encouraged to, he got a journal. He started that night journaling, Day 1 Dear Higher Power. That’s as far as he got, because he didn’t know what to say. He closed the journal and thought, that’s a start.

    Either every individual session or every group session there was always something new to learn. KJ knew he didn’t want to keep using drugs, etc. Meth did it for him but that new one, Fentanyl was a different beast. He shook his head just thinking about it. He knew he was lucky, that stint in that coma, you’d thought would have scared him, but it didn’t. He didn’t do that again, but he kept right on doing everything else. As he thought about it, it dawn on him what the day’s session was about, “What’s The Problem?” If drugs were the problem after his Fentanyl coma scare he should of stopped. The problem is deeper. Drugs aren’t the problem and doesn’t become a problem until he decided to touch it. It was like a light came on when Miss Jill said that. As KJ prepared to go to bed grabbed his journal and wrote, Day 2 Dear Higher Power. What is The Problem? Miss Jill had a way of causing you to think of better ways to manage that which you had not been able to, like our lives, because of our using drugs. He came to realize what he already knew. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to keep his promises, he couldn’t. Drugs don’t give way to being a dependable person.

            KJ was at LAND for 180 days and from time-to-time Jennifer would come and visit. On one visit Jennifer was so amazed how well KJ was doing. It was like she would reflect that he looked like and talked like an entirely different person. During their visit at least twice she teared up and KJ had to hug her and let her know he was doing good. She noted at no other treatment facility did he come out like this, and his time wasn’t over yet. He recalled once that she had told him, after that second inpatient treatment that he came out worst then what he did when he went in. They both laughed. She looked deeply in KJ’s eyes and told him how much she loved him and how happy she was for him. He looked her back in her eyes and told her how sorry he was for the things he had done and put her through. He apologized for the many broken promises to her and her kids, for stealing from her. She tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t let her. He told her guilt is a heavy load to carry and shame is even heavier, he told her. Jennifer assured him that all had been forgiven some time to go. “How’s Dad?”, he asked her. Jennifer, turned to look out the window and as soon as she did he knew. “You don’t have to tell me, I already know.” “Tell you what KJ?”, she asked. He proceeded to tell her that he knew, their father was still with Shirley and if she’s what he wanted, it’s all good. Jennifer tenderly asked him, “KJ what do you want?’  

    Jennifer he replied, “what I wanted as a boy and what I want now as a man, I now know Dad couldn’t give it to me then and can’t give it to me now.” “I now know that.” “All those years I spent trying to get acceptance and approval weren’t his to give.” “I now understand a person can’t give you what they don’t have to give.” “I love him and always will, he’s, my father. I will always be here for him if he needs me, but I am also here for me now.” Jennifer, with her hands cupped over his just smiled and laughed in amazement. “Oh no, don’t start the waterworks again”, KJ said laughingly. “Jennifer”, he started, “all those other times I went to treatment I did it for someone else, Dad, this time I did it for me. KJ continued, “this is what Miss Jill says about recovery”. “you don’t have to do it by yourself, but you have to do it for yourself.” “And as long as I got you, Jonathan and the kids, my recovery and support group family, I’ll be good., and no more broken promises, I promise.