Deathly Christmas

Trigger Warning: Murder, drunkenness, mental instability, suicide, blood, abuse, etc.

It was dark. Drunk, I stumbled through the streets like a piece of paper floppily. I held the wall to walk, but I couldn’t see anything. I kept walking and walking.

Then, I started running. Lights flashed in my eyes. I felt a hand trying to grab my sleeve, but it was too late. I rammed into the car. I flew into the sky. I crashed into the floor.

I blacked out.

*   *   *

I heard him screaming and hitting her again. I entered the kitchen, took whatever I saw, and limped into the room. He recognized what I had in my hand. He screamed at me, backing into the wall as I came closer.

“Cassy, close your eyes.” I didn’t even look back to see if she did.

As I did it, red smeared my vision like paint..

“I’m sorry, Cassy,” I murmured. Wrapping myself around a jacket, I left the house, heading straight to a police station, handing them my wrists.

“Take me. I killed David Hales.”

It didn’t take long for them to confirm my offense.

I was moved to a prison the next day, eating with people my age. So young and smart, but not enough.

I bumped into someone, big and bulky, making me flinch. I mumbled sorry, but then he grabbed me by the collar and punched me. Someone tried to stop him, but I was already falling down from the impact. My head hit the corner of the table. I jerked with the sudden stab of pain.

I blacked out.

*   *   *

I can’t take this anymore, I can’t-

I stared at the tall building in front of me. It was big with several floors, questioning if anybody even used it. I swallowed.

I picked the door to the back and sprinted up the steps. Panting, I reached the top of the building roof. The wind blew at my face, messing up my long, copper hair. I looked down to the other buildings that surrounded me, covered in Christmas decorations and colorful lights. The faint sound of a carol slipped into my ears. I blocked it out.

I can’t take this anymore. I pressed my lips together and looked down. The sound footsteps became closer.

I can’t take this anymore.

I jumped.

I flew.

I blacked out.

TWENTY NINE ROUNDS LATER…

I gasped, the memories flooding my brain.

The alcohol, the cafeteria, the decorations. Everything.

I remembered how no matter how many times I tried to die, I couldn’t.

This horrible cycle was infinite.

Terribly infinite.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was in this cycle. On my 18th Christmas (Round One), I died by pure accident when I was hit by a train while running away from home.

Or so I thought.

I had apparently been brought back to life and lived again the same exact life I had before. On Christmas Eve (again), I remembered how I died that day. I couldn’t understand why I died, but I took it as a chance. I made sure to avoid the train and stayed home, even though I hated being there. Without warning the stove broke into a fire. I led Cassy to safety, but I was burnt too badly. I died again.

Again and again, I woke up, lived, then died. At one point, I gave up. I couldn’t live no matter what I tried. So I tried to die once in for all. I tried dying on Christmas Eve, but no, I always died on December 25th, Christmas Day, expected or not. I died. Again.

And Again.

On December 24th for the 29th time, I, Juniper Hales, realized these things.

I jolted awake as I woke up, panting. I could hear him beating my sister, yelling again too. I couldn’t move until I saw him leave the house. Then, I raced into my father’s room and embraced my younger sister, who finally burst into tears. We both knew that crying didn’t help during beatings.

I rubbed the ointment on her bruises and held her shaky hands. I was finally eighteen, able to move out of this house with my 6 year old half sister, but now I was going to die-

Wake up, Juniper! You’ve been through this before. You know where to go.

“Cassy, go get your things, we’re going to leave right now. We don’t when that man is going to come back. Now. Hurry.” She nodded and ran to her room. After gathering her things, I helped her pull on a jacket and we both ran.

I pounded on the door desperately, ignoring the doorbell. A familiar friend opened the door, staring at our puffy jackets and our red cheeks that grew numb in the cold. He looked as if he was getting ready to leave the house.

“Can we come in?” I whispered.

“Quickly.” He threw open the door and we both shuffled in.

I told him everything. How we were treated. How we ran away. How I needed him to take care of Cassy and I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him why.

“But why?” he asked. “I mean, my grandma would love to take care of Cassy, but why can’t you stay?”

I clenched my teeth and tensed. “I just can’t, Remi.”

“June, I’ve known you for 17 years. Why can’t you just trust me?” I gulped. I couldn’t refuse those blue, crystal eyes.

“I’m going to die, Remi. I’m going to die.” He grabbed me.

“Not unless I stop you. Don’t you dare die on me. We’re going to college together, remember? We’re going to Duke to study and you need to watch Cassy graduate school and get married. So no, you’re not going to die, June. Stay here and don’t die.”

“You don’t understand, Remi!” She stared into his blue eyes with a fiery gaze. “I’ve been dying, again and again. You probably think I’m crazy, but I’ve been stuck in the same loop for so many times, I’m going insane! Every Christmas I turn 18, I die, and now I’m going to stop this. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of watching Cassy getting beaten over and over again. I’m going to die, Remi. I have to, or I’ll actually go insane.” Tears gathered in my eyes.

“I… can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed. He watched me as I broke down, making sure that at least Cassy couldn’t hear me. When I looked up to him again, his eyes looked pained- hurt.

“Okay,” he whispered, his eyes glistening. “I’ll help you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” He sniffed. “It’s not like Cassy’s going to miss you anyways.”

My heart panged as I heard that. It ached terribly, but I nodded.

“You better let her have a good boyfriend.”

“That depends on my grandma. She likes boys who can bake.”

“So not many, huh. You’ll help her, right?”

“Nah, Grandma hates me after I burnt her pie.”

I joked through tears. “As she should.”

We sat in silence, the weight of reality crushing both of us. I slumped onto my friend’s shoulder, firm and warm. He wrapped his arm around me, trembling.

We sat there for a little longer.

“Thanks for coming, Grandma. I know it was sudden.”

“Don’t worry, dear. Bingo can wait. Is this…?”

“I’m Juniper, Miss Mina. Call me June.”

“Yes, yes. I remember you. You’re the girl Remi’s talked-”

“Grandma! Just, meet Cassy.”

Cassy tiptoed out of the bedroom, wearing the new clothes Remi had bought for her yesterday. Today was Christmas, and Remi’s Grandma was here for the holidays. She usually lives with him, but she likes to go out a lot.

“Dear, she’s adorable. Come here, Cassy.” She didn’t budge.

“Sugar cookies will do the trick. Come and bake them with me.” Cassy’s eyes brightened at the sound of sweets. Before they knew it, she was mixing up the cookie dough.

“We gotta go, Grandma. See you later..” 

“Yeah. See you.” My voice caught in my throat. I couldn’t say later.

We closed the door.

“What’s your plan?”

“Well,” I pressed my lips together. Today was the day.

“After several days of Christmas, I realized that usually I died from sudden impact. I need something slow and complete. I need something that’ll finish me for good.” He flinched at the last sentence. He gripped my shoulder.

“Do you really need to do this?” I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again.

“Yes. I’m tired, Remi.” I’m tired of this.

“Alright.” He let go of me. “So what are you planning to do?” 

I looked ahead and took in a shuddering breath.

“You have to drop me in the middle of the City Lake.”

“What?” Remi looked at her with an agonized gaze, his face going taut.

“You want me to drop you?”

“Yeah,” I breathed. I held his hand tight. This was my last chance. I needed to end this. He seemed as if he wanted to say something, but held it back as he realized that I wasn’t going to stop whatsoever.

“Okay,” he whispered..

At the City Lake, we rented a boat. The air felt frigid, but the lake was still unfrozen, thankfully. We rowed into the center where the shore was at least a couple feet away.

I took off my jacket and weighed myself down with sand, making sure I would sink. Remi stared at me again with that hurt expression. I tried to ignore it.

I turned to the water- I could feel my skin going numb. I shivered. Was I scared? As I looked down, I realized that I was scared. Terrified. But I had to do this.

I jumped.

Cold water slapped me, hard. I thrashed, the sand dragging me down. I felt the last breath of air leave me as I sank. My heart pounded crazily, as if to scream for help. I didn’t realize this, but I wanted to live. I was scared of dying. But I had to. I had to.

I closed my eyes.

Suddenly, air fills my lungs. I broke the surface, coughing up water. I was dragged to the shore, trembling hard. I saw Remi, taking off his soggy jacket and covering me. He looked at me.

“I can’t do this anymore. The jail cell, the train tracks, the tall building, the car crash, the fire and even now the City Lake. I was there, June, every single Christmas. I was always there when you died! Why can't you remember? Even if you can’t, I freaking have to because I'm in the same cursed cycle too! I can’t deny it anymore. I love you, June. I can't help it. It hurts too much. I can't watch you die anymore!" He choked on his tears. "Why can’t you just… try to live?"

I froze. I had tried to live. For the first few rounds, I tried my best to survive. But after that, everything became too much. I wanted to die. But maybe, just maybe… Could I live?

"Remi." I stared into those beautiful eyes again. My heart thumped, realizing something once more.

"I love you too. I remember now, Remi."

I felt a hand trying to grab my sleeve.

Someone tried to stop him.

The sound footsteps became closer.

It was him. It had all been him.

"Remi-" I froze as I saw him, blank-eyed into the distance, faintly shivering.

"Remi!" I flung off my jacket and tried to cover him when he pushed it away.

"No, y-you'll be c-cold," He stuttered, his voice small.

"Remi, stay with me! It's almost tomorrow, stay with me! We can live! We can both live!"

"You… have to… live… June…" I embraced him desperately to keep him warm. His eyes were now frozen forever, gazing into the nothingness. I cried for him, the chill now freezing me too. I felt my wrist buzz as my midnight alarm rang. I held his hand.

“We lived, Remi. We lived.”

December 25th, Round 30.

We lived.

I lived.

I… liv….