The Code

I confess. I have some rather dark impulses. Since we're here in this little tavern or bar or mesón and there's nobody listening, I'd like to confess. You can decide whether I'm a menace to society or a hero. Please, I'd be grateful for your input, and even for your help. However, I hope you won't report me to anybody. My heart is in the right place. Let me order another coffee and I'll explain. What are you having? Another of the same?

So... there are two things that really bother me. A lot. Let me explain and then I'd appreciate your advice, your help, any assistance you're willing to give. I promise to listen.

One of the things that bothers me the most is the state of politics in the world, although mostly I'm upset by politicians in the United States. Since this is a country I know fairly well, I think I'm not far off the mark. Over the years, politics has gotten so much worse and the world has become a much more dangerous place. If I told you why I believe this, you might laugh, disagree with me, or just be bored, none of which is the correct response. However, all politicians are an evil, greedy, amoral group of people. Those are the terms I'll use here, but if I were to say what I really think, it might lead you to wonder why I have such horrible feelings and what I plan to do about them.

The fact is, it's hard to take on the whole political class as its members rush to get rich. Lobbyists are crawling all over DC and it seems everybody ultimately has a price, meaning everybody can be bought. A president promotes or supports a war that nobody understands although everybody thinks they do. The media are waging war on the ability of Americans to think, and thinking has nearly stopped. We accept who the bad guys are and who the good guys. We accept the bad guys are morally unredeemable and need to be eliminated, yet we are the problem. We have no clue about history and refuse to believe that people are being killed because there's a profit somewhere in it. We can't or don't want to believe they see war as a rebuilding project for mercenaries and not for democracy.

It's not fair for some people to have millions or billions of dollars and for others to be starving. If we did a better job teaching kids in school, maybe they would become adults who are less nonchalant. Kids would then be less concerned about all they need to have in order to be happy and more aware of what other children need in order to live past the age of five. Capitalism, one of the seven deadly sins, but invisible.

I don't think I can talk about this very much, because it's dangerous. However, I'd like to say that if it were up to me, I'd take every one of the persons in DC, the ones in office as well as the ones twisting the arms of those in office, and send them to the countries they're sending weapons to. Let them and their children live where they're planting mines and dropping bombs. Make them live in those places for a minimum of a year, but maybe for five or ten years. They would be forced to learn the languages or be punished. It's important to talk to people, not just wring our hands with concern or hypocritically say too bad but they deserve it for living in countries like they do.

This punishment is impossible to carry out, obviously. A single person can't take on an entire government. I can only dream of sending the politicians to where they'll get their just desserts.

I can tell you're trying to stifle a yawn, so I'll stop. Politics is a topic nobody here wants to discuss, for some reason. Go play poker or order a pizza, rave about the latest celebrity scandal, but don't EVER discuss how we could fix things worldwide. Because we could, but we don't want to. We don't know enough to want to. However, I'm not going to try to twist your arm as if I were a lobbyist. Luckily for you, I have another matter that, in my opinion, needs attention. I'd really like your input on it.

The fact is, I cannot stomach people who abuse animals. This is slightly better than dealing with politicians, some of whom are actually (and unfortunately) intelligent. Animal abusers are usually stupid and if you keep your eyes open, you can catch them, you really can. I've been able to nab quite a few by keeping on the alert. It's been rather fun, too.

Here's what I do: 

First, I identify the idiots and make sure I've got the right ones. This needs to be done quickly, because I don't want more animals to be hurt or killed. If I'm lucky, I can catch them in the act. I have a few examples of how one can go about doling out punishments to the scum who burn or kick or starve dogs, or tie them up with two feet of rope or a heavy chain. The easiest thing to do is cut a rope or even a chain. It's not enough, though, so when I encounter a case like that, I try to get inside their homes and tie them up while they're asleep. I like to hear these people howl and thrash around. They can't get loose because I get rid of their cell phones and all the ways to break free. Some spend several days like that and I watch from around the corner, rubbing my hands together and smiling if they get blisters or splinters from trying to escape. 

Another thing I do to punish these monsters is to empty their refrigerators so they have nothing to eat. If necessary, I just unplug the fridge and let the food spoil, but I also enjoy taking all the contents and giving them away, sometimes to a food kitchen, sometimes to a homeless encampment. If I'm feeling particularly grouchy, I might go into the basement and throw all the levers in the fuse box the wrong way. They are, as I've pointed out, rather dumb, so some of them are slow in figuring out the problem. Maybe they call an electrician and then they've got that extra expense. Those cases amuse me the most.

If I discover an animal that's been burned or kicked, it's a challenge, but I do have reasonable success in walking by them with a lit object such as a cigarette, which I rub along their bare skin. It's also a simple thing to run past them and land a strong kick to a knee or a calf. Believe me, I know how to kick and make it hurt. Not just once, but several times. Then I put a photo of their animal in a place they can find it. Of course the animal has already been removed by me, but they get the message. After a while, because I'm so good at this punishment, they get the idea and never try it again. They're scared to leave their homes, and it's like they become cowering little things who wonder what's coming next.

Here's another great technique: The abusers who leave their pets out in the worst weather often find themselves locked out of their homes. Don't ask me how I do it, but I can find keys, bolt doors and get out through a window, things like that. It's fun to do this at night and even more fun to do it on a January night in Maine so that the jerks get frostbite where they don't want it. They also may feel the need to change all the locks - another nice expense. Most cannot sleep well at night after this happens. Sometimes I sneak a look through the window and it makes me chuckle to see them in bed with the covers drawn up and eyes wide open.

Before you decide you've had enough, let me share a few other ways I deal with the vermin who think animals are not deserving of kindness. Maybe you have some ideas of your own, which would be welcome.

I disconnect the internet, which isn't all that hard. Who doesn't suffer when deprived of google or instagram? Who hasn't suffered deeply when trying to deal with the cable company, especially when the problem is mysterious? If I can make off with the modem they have, I do that as well. There's more, though. Sabotaging a car is easy enough, so I won't go into detail on all the many ways, from draining the gas tank to throwing sand in the engine to the familiar letting the air out of tires. A piece of cake.

Occasionally I am able to get photos of the animals, usually just before I rescue them, and I blow these up enough so they're visible to passersby. The photos have brief phrases explaining what torture the animals endured. Some concerned citizens get so alarmed they contact the police, who come to investigate. Even if they don't find anything, they quickly figure out that the mistreatment did happen and the abusers get a stern warning that they're under surveillance. Many will then hurry out into the back yard to remove the area where the animals were. Once in awhile I go back and position a few more photos of the poor things, just so the criminals don't get any replacements.

Here's another example: I was in another state a few months ago and witnessed a horrible situation. Three teenagers had a shoebox duct taped shut and were playing football. I was ready to react immediately and did. The box held a little yellow kitten and when I grabbed the box from those monsters, I found it was badly battered and blind. After I took it to a vet, I did everything in my power to track the kids down and identify them. Then I went to work. I kicked and hammered everything those three had that was not alive. You name it, I smashed it. A baseball bat is a good tool for that, but pliers work, as do hammers. Also, I got shoeboxes and put stuffed cats inside, then hid them in the places I know they would be discovered. Inside I packed baggies full of items from the meat section of the grocery store, especially livers, hearts, things like that. Slimy and bloody. Very smelly, too, after a couple of days under a bed or in a closet.

Here's one more example, although there's no limit to what these freaks deserve. Since I'm a writer, I write. Sometimes I write books, using their faces and names. I leave these in places like coffee shops, parks, libraries, churches. Once in awhile I print out wanted posters or missing cat notices, but I include the details of how they've been treated by their humans. This works best in areas where there are fewer people: towns are good, but these tactics can fall short in big cities. I do so love it when town residents get up in arms and organize protests by the front lawns of the perpetrators. Some of them have had to leave town, but I try to follow them to make sure they don't repeat the despicable behavior.

If I find any repeat offenders, the punishment is harsher. There are human-sized cages and kidnapped abusers may find themselves under a bridge in one of them, howling until somebody hears them finally and alerts the police. There are Molotov cocktails and hand grenades that are effective but must be used with extreme caution. Care must be taken not to harm any innocent person. If this sounds overly cruel, ask yourself what the animals have done wrong and why the humans should not received the same treatment. Or should we all just turn a blind eye to the horrors committed by some humans? 

After all, we don't seem willing to stop the politicians' wars, so why bother about dumb animals?

Maybe you think I've wasted your time with this and that I don't do any of this, that I'm just making it up, that it would be impossible to pull off these actions. Well, you're wrong. I've done all of this and more, but I've been cautious about sharing everything with you. If you wonder why I don't get caught, maybe it's just because I'm a guardian angel - or better yet, an avenging angel. 

I'm not religious and far from an angel, but let's just say there's a book that says "an eye for an eye..." Thank you, Hammurabi, for the good idea.