Insignificant Disappearance

He awoke naked on a bed without sheets or blankets in a featureless room he did not recognize.

“What the fu—?”

“Good morning Mr. Smith. I hope the bed is comfortable for you.”

Startled, Brian Smith sat up and turned his head towards the voice. What he saw now was even more startling.

Before him stood a slender, seven-foot-tall nude female with faint blue skin holding a computer tablet made only of light. He blinked extra hard in an attempt to make his surroundings make any sense.

“My name is Zindara-gee. I am a scientist specializing in alien biology. You are onboard an Explorer Class Outer Space Research Vessel. While you slept I ran a full series of non-invasive tests on your anatomy.”

“You are relatively healthy for a human of your age and status. We predict you would have lived to the age of 77.”

“Would have?” he asked.

“Indeed. You were chosen for these tests in part because your imminent death was almost guaranteed. It was predicted with 98.673 percent accuracy that you would have been killed riding your bike to work last night. An intoxicated automobile driver left the Sandy Tavern at 1:43 AM and drove through the stoplight at Sandy Boulevard and NE 42nd at 1:47 AM at a high rate of speed. Had we not transported you from your apartment while you slept earlier that evening, you would have died almost instantly from the impact from his 7,100-pound pickup as it collided with you and your bicycle.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, “did you say I would be dead if you hadn’t kidnapped me?”

“You were also chosen because we calculated there would only be an 82.354 percent chance that anyone would miss you, and a 98.362 percent probability that anyone would follow up to find out why you disappeared. As an only child with deceased parents and grandparents, and with no contact with other family members, you were an ideal choice.”

“Wait, you speak English?” he asked.

“Of course not. A microchip was attached to the language center of your brain to automatically translate our language to English, and to translate your vocalizations to our language,” she answered.

He stared at the blue being in front of him in disbelief at everything that was happening. He woke up naked on a spaceship with an also naked giant female blue alien running tests on him. He also wondered why no one would notice his absence from planet Earth.

“Won’t the people from my work miss me?” he asked.

“You only communicated with one person at your job, and that was via email. Cleaning the floors and bathrooms by yourself at the Holiday Village Shopping Mall four nights a week left you little chance to bond with any coworkers. Since it is common for people at this type of low-wage job to quit without giving any notice, your boss will assume you have resigned from your position.”

“Your’s was deemed an insignificant disappearance.”

“What if I don’t want to participate in these experiments?” he asked, a bit annoyed at being called ‘insignificant’.

“We are not monsters. If you would like to excuse yourself from these proceedings you will be placed back at the exact time of your extraction with no memories of this encounter. We estimate that 14 strangers from the local cycling community will attend your funeral, and a ghost bike memorial will be placed in your honor. It will be removed four months later when the sidewalk is replaced.”

“Your planet is dying. You are doing a great thing by allowing us to study you. To save your species from extinction we are conducting a series of experiments to determine a suitable habitat that will allow humans to continue to evolve and thrive. We will be studying your physiology, including the respiratory, cardiovascular, and reproductive systems.”

His eyebrows raised slightly at the word “reproductive,” as he admired the beautiful form of the otherworldly scientist.

“We will extract your spermatozoa using a laser technology far advanced from anything you would understand. You need not worry about unnecessary and inappropriate sexual contact,” she said in a serious tone, “our species is asexual. We have zero interest in your kind for sexual purposes.”

“Can you read minds?” he asked, now a little nervous she knew what he had been thinking.

“No, but I can read your vital signs. After I said the word ‘reproductive’ your rate of respiration increased and your pulse quickened. Additionally, you were much less careful about taking a glance at my body,” she said.

“I need to check on data processing in the mainframe computer down the hall. I will only be gone for a minute or two. I will leave you with a hologram of what this new human colony might look like,” she said as she turned to leave the room.

Before he could look at her bare backside a large three-foot by three-foot hologram of a very futuristic-looking village appeared in front of him. When he tried to touch it, he realized he could manipulate the hologram with his hands, zooming in and out, and turning it all the way around.

The beige color buildings all had rounded edges and large windows. Parks with green grass, brightly colored flowers, and tall trees were interspersed between the structures. Mothers watched from benches as their children played.  

The scientist re-entered the room.

“Everyone in the new colony will have an important role to play. There will be artists, writers, government officials, teachers, farmers, doctors, and many other workers, all benefiting from our advanced technology.”

He noticed something odd about the life depicted in the hologram.

“Why are there only women and girls in this new human colony?” he asked.

“With a few improvements to the human female anatomy,” she said walking towards the door, “males will become unnecessary.”

The door closed behind her as Brian Smith turned to look out the window into the vast darkness of outer space.