Before the Blink

It only takes a second. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. Just a fraction of a moment, a speck of dust in the universe. Just a second to become embarrassed. To say something stupid. To trip. To fall in love. To make a mistake. To choose. To feel regret. To realize that you can’t take time back. To forgive. To make a decision.

One that can change everything.

A decision you can’t take back.

A lot can happen in a second. And sometimes, too little. And sometimes, all you can do is make a choice. One final choice in that one vanishing split second.

What would you choose?

I know what I did.

Time was stretching - as if it wanted to give me a chance to think. To analyze. What I had done wrong. And what I’d done right.

How long exactly is one second?

I remember… I remember my first kiss. The pounding heart, the sweaty palms, the nervous smile. That one touch that made me feel something. Grown-up? A woman? Who knows. It was over in a second, but I’ve carried that sweet taste on my lips for my whole life. It’s extraordinary, isn’t it? Such a small, short moment that left no visible trace behind. But in fact, it did. Oh, it did.

I almost smile at the thought, but now is not the time for smiles. I think that time is long gone.

How long exactly? I’m not sure.

Maybe it was this morning when I overslept. And I knew I didn’t have much time. Enough time. To get to where I was supposed to be.

It’s funny like that.

Was the event important?

Yes, it was.

But… was it crucial for me to be on time? No, not really.

Time. What a wicked, twisted taste that word leaves in the mouth. We measure it with clocks. We have years, months, weeks… But really, is that the right way to measure it?

Because I remember it so vividly, that one moment.

Not sure how long it lasted. Maybe a day, a few hours, or maybe just a second. My face was buried deep in that familiar soft fur. Her legs slightly crooked. She couldn’t walk quite straight. Her eyes a little muddy, but still filled with love. Just like the first day we met. Adoration, loyalty, trust. So many emotions. So much love. So little time. Her tiny heart was beating slower and slower.

How do you even say goodbye?

She blinked slowly, the fur on her face already grey. Her breathing calmed me. I held onto her like my life depended on it. And at that time, it really felt like it did.

That moment is still precious. Close to my heart to this very day.

They say love can’t die. That you carry it with you for a lifetime.

This, I can confirm.

Lilly.

Is it strange that I think of her now?

I’m terrified to even blink. It seems too risky. If I do, I might miss this moment.

And I want to hold onto it just a little longer.

All of a sudden, everything turns blue. I think I dove into my husband’s eyes. My man. My rock. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such a human being by my side.

Melting into his arms when the light went off was my favorite moment that first night we spent together. And twenty-plus years later, it is still my safe place. My heaven. The most precious moment of my day. I wish I was there right now.

But I am not.

I don’t know how I got to this moment.

It feels like it took only a second. To spill the coffee. To make a wrong turn. To put my hair in a bun. Just small things like that. Unimportant things.

Just a moment ago, I was driving to my daughter’s graduation. I had been dreaming about that event for years. Her robe, her proud smile. My proud smile. The tears in her eyes. In mine. A rain of thrown hats.

A new beginning.

I had prepared a speech, you know. With advice - how to tackle life. How to be a good person, to be strong, to be kind, to be the best version of herself. It’s almost embarrassing to think how much time I spent tailoring those words. Striving for perfection.

But now I understand how unnecessary it all was.

Because the essence of life can be bottled into one simple truth: Life is a series of decisions. Be wise - because sometimes, you don’t have the time to think long and hard. Sometimes, you only have a split second. So choose wisely.

And the right decision?

There’s no such thing.

You should make decisions that leave you at peace.

But I am not at peace now. Because I see the girl through the windshield.

It’s a bit blurry, but I can tell she’s young.

Scared. Frozen in time.

She’s standing in the middle of the road, paralyzed. There’s no time for her to run. Not a chance.

I can see the tear streaking down her cheek. I want to brush it away. To soothe her.

I wonder if she could forgive me.

I think time is no longer stretching.

It is now.

And I know I’m out of time.

Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready for such a thing? Guess I’ll never know.

Before I could take my next breath.

Before I could blink.

Before my heart could make another beat.

Before I could think.

Before -

With a single, hard motion, I steer the wheel of the car to the right. The tires scream, metal resists, and my chest tightens. And in that instant, I exchange my future for hers.

This is my final act in the strange, fragile theatre called life.

The deafening crash into the concrete wall swallows everything. Every other sound, sensation, light. The world twists.

And just like that, I am no longer here.

In a split second, I made a decision.

I chose life. Just not my own.

And I’m at peace with that.

I truly am.