Sayonara

Sometimes I think about walking away and never coming back.

I'm an adult now.

All those years of studying, going to school and mainly goofing off, but still getting through.

Sometimes I wish my job paid more.

I could buy some more things for myself.

Maybe more Lego sets to keep me busy.

A variety of paints for me to mix and match to find the best way to include them all.

New notebooks with pretty covers and little envelopes on the beck cover to keep the stickers they come with.

More anime figures to keep me company.

Anything.

Maybe then I could get Spotify premium.

The ads interrupt the mood, the continuous feeling of listening to music that I actually like.

In my car, I drive around town for fun, listening to my favorite songs.

Then, an ad, blasting on full volume because I forgot that ads existed.

If I got paid more, I could support my favorite music artists, authors, and even friends more.

I could get them better gifts, gifts that they actually wanted.

Maybe even buy an actual house.

Stuck in an apartment, one of many in a building, you always have company you don't want.

Sometimes I sit outside my apartment door and look across the street from the balcony.

Then, a family comes out of their house, kids screaming and running around, the parents obviously too tired to keep them in check.

Or maybe someone comes home from grocery shopping, and drops a bag or two, causing me to help out because I don't want to seem rude.

Maybe even someone just parks out front and starts calling someone, with the window fully down, and you can hear every word they're saying.

I just want to sit on the balcony that shows out to the backyard, and listen to music without my headphones, without my neighbours coming up to me, asking me to lower the volume.

I just want to wander around the house, admiring my Legos and figures, and books. Shelves and shelves of books.

Manga, historical fiction, fantasy, romance, thriller, mystery, all of it, scattered around the house on floating bookshelves as they call them.

Rooms-yes, rooms-just for specific things.

A room dedicated to dozens, if not more, admirable Lego sets. Castles, flowers, cars, bridges, maybe even that huge Yoda I always wanted to get.

A room just for writing. Only the best pens and pencils, as well as the prettiest and most useful erasers and white-outs. Pretty colored sticky notes on a board full of ideas for stories, character names, and settings.

A room just for figures. Each separated by where they're from, organized perfectly to use every little corner to their advantage, taking in their poses and even lighting.

The house would be surrounded by nature, keeping astray from the real world, untouched by time, and neighbours.

Other than getting paid more, other than everything that would help, I just want to exist.

Have the perfect, meaningful schedule that gives me free days for me.

One day to listen to music and read fanfictions.

A day for just music, to take in the lyrics and memorize how the song goes.

Another for writing, full of creativity and adventure. A day for me to write books for my career, and books that are just for me. Maybe even write those fanfics I haven't finished since school.

A day for going out, in my car, music blasting, maybe the only one on the road. No one is yelling at me from their car to turn down the volume, no one to stop and stare when I pass by in a mix of wine and cherry red car. Maybe I stop the park, and walk through it with no little kids screaming their lungs out on the playground. Maybe go to the bookstore and wander around, not having to wait for people to leave the section I want to look through. Maybe just walk across a bridge, looking down at the water and at the passing cars. Admire the structure of the bridge, the design of it. Then do the same for buildings.

I want a day to just read books. Completely different from the day to read fanfics, the day to read books will be for those in which I have taken interest in because of Bungou Stray Dogs. The classics, as many call them, are "Crime And Punishment" from Fyodor Dostoevsky, "No Longer Human" and "The Setting Sun" from Osamu Dazai. "For Tainted Sorrow" from Chuuya Nakahara, and so much more. Reread them, even.

One day for eating pudding. Yes, a whole and complete day, for pudding.

Out of topic: Pudding is, as Barney from How I Met Your Mother Would Say It, Awesome! And in some cases, legen-wait for it-dary.

Maybe that day would include other things, like catching up with friends, but pudding would still be the main topic.

And as I continue, a day for catching up with friends. Old friends from school, new friends from work. A day just to see how they're doing, hang out with them, and remind them that you really care.

A day just for video games, as childish as that may sound, a day to just play Minecraft or Mario Kart would be much better than a day spent waiting in line at the supermarket.

I just want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

I just want the world to be the way I want it.

No one judges me for my taste in music, books, my gender identity, sexuality, or personality. No one is bothered by my voice, or the sound of my music through walls. No one stops and stares at my Ouji style clothing. No one is in need of help-this might sound a little rude now-in which would force me to take action.

Yes, it is fulfilling to help others, for both parties, but when it disrupts me, or interrupts me, I would rather people pick up their apples by themselves.

I just want to exist.

I just want to exist where I am, but I can't do that here.

This job, isn't helping. The neighbours, aren't helping. This place, isn't where I need to be.

It is nice. The scenery, it's perfect.

It's just everything else I can't deal with.

So I say, goodbye.

I'm leaving.

Sayonara.