Pants On Fire

Sarah walked into her condo and tossed her purse and keys onto the counter. “Ughhh! Worst date in history!” she said out loud, opening the fridge to pour a generous glass of wine. “That was utterly a huge waste of time and definitely the most ridiculous!” She called her bestie to cringe over it together, but sadly, her friend wasn’t picking up. Ah well! She’d check her Messenger for messages in the meantime.

The summer evening breeze was still warm despite the fact it was turning pitch black out with twinkling diamonds for stars. Grabbing her phone and wine, Sarah headed onto the balcony and sat in one of the folding chairs. “Hmmm. This Chris woman sure is persistent,” she thought, scrolling through her messages. She only knew that Chris was a photographer, and, in her line of work, she had several connections with photographers.

Looking closer at Chris’ small black and white profile picture, all Sarah could see was a distant photo of half of a face, with long straight shoulder-length black hair. Much to her surprise, she realized that Chris was actually male, not female! She had so many online connections because of her job that she hadn’t even taken the time to closely observe this one. He was dark skinned, very attractive, who just happened to have long hair. Because the profile had said they were from another country, she hadn’t really taken their friendly, private but vague messages seriously.

Including the one she just opened this evening, which said “Call me. Here’s my number…”.

The combination of the alcohol, lazy summer evening, and long weekend to boot, convinced Sarah she should give this guy a call. Why not? She really did want to talk about the ridiculous date she just had, and before she could talk herself out of it, she found herself impulsively dialing the number. A strong sexy-sounding male voice answered the phone rather quickly and she was immediately drawn in by his silky calm voice. The vibe he gave off was extremely provocative and she found it more intoxicating than the wine.

The hours slipped by deliciously during that first phone call on that hot night, easily taking them into the early morning hours. He sounded just as giddy and interested in her! They giggled like schoolkids, hanging onto every single word the other was saying. With his 6-foot extremely fit muscular frame and obvious intellect, she was smitten. Never had she also met a fellow creative that she was attracted to! Not only did he write music on the side, but he sang, produced albums, AND played several instruments including the electric guitar. He was incredibly sexy and the photos he sent proved it. When she found out he worked as a police officer, she couldn’t believe it! She had dated a few in the past. What was it about them that she found so appealing?

Chris lived in another country, but it was a neighboring one, so not THAT impossible to meet! You could even drive there in a day or two if you wanted to! Sarah hadn’t been looking to rush into anything with anyone. However, after the very long, playful flirty phone call that surreal July evening, she felt an excitement she couldn’t remember ever feeling before.

Being the passionate musician that he was, it would only be a couple of days after their first phone call that Chris would write her poetry about his deep love for her, and later, even a couple of songs. He texted her at work words of love during that first month, and she was floating high, daydreaming of them meeting, hopefully in a few months. It was extremely confusing for her when the texts stopped suddenly after exactly 30 days. When Sarah inquired what happened, Chris joked that he “had already got her so he didn’t need to send the texts anymore”. Plus, he was busy at work.

Months passed, but Chris never offered to come see her, nor ask her to visit him. He did tell her a couple of times that she “should move to his city”, but he didn’t really say why, or when – or where. He complained that her country was colder than his, making it very clear he’d NEVER go to visit her because of it. The topic of meeting in person would barely come up again until the END, when Sarah brought it up one last time, to which he responded it wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t want her getting too attached.

Due to serious damage from her past, and priding herself for never chasing a man, what she had done was accept their unusual relationship for years. And the breadcrumbing. Gaslighting. Stonewalling. Terms Sarah would get to know very well but not nearly soon enough. Because of his lack of commitment, she convinced herself she was ok with their playful banter and situationship. Occasionally she moved onto someone more serious about her, and she and Chris would drift apart for a few months, but he ALWAYS reached out to her in some form, usually with a cryptic flirty email.

It was like he would not let her go.

Chris spoiled her with a couple of gifts including high-end silver jewelry, all natural bath products (he knew her so well!), and CDs he had produced, especially in the beginning. Ironically, two of her favorite gifts from him came near the end of their relationship as Christmas and Sarah’s birthday had just passed.

He refused to talk about his days at work because he said it would force him to relive traumatic events. Sarah knew not to bother him on Sundays either. Because of his extremely stressful job as a police officer in one of the sketchiest neighborhoods, she respected his need for calm and quiet during the weekdays too so he could relax by creating music and be mentally prepared to be on the streets the next day.

He attempted to call her nightly for a few weeks although it would always be around 10 pm his time. Some evenings he just wouldn’t call at all when he said he would, nor even message her to let her know. When Sarah got upset about it, the weeknight calls just stopped altogether. “I hate upsetting you,” he’d say. Didn’t she know how stressful his days were? Of course he couldn’t be soft and loving towards her when his days were filled with constant violence, he shared. It was around this time he told Sarah he “just couldn’t quit her”, and she could hear the anguish in his voice. She was convinced he really loved her but was fighting it for some reason she didn’t understand.

What they did do together, however, was watch endless movies together on Saturday evenings. Not EVERY Saturday evening – Lord, no! She knew he hated being tied down or committed to ANY time or day or anyone, so she had just accepted his “Ok….well…I’ll call you….” because he always did - though sometimes weeks would go by before he’d call out of the blue.

How she LOVED those random Saturdays when he’d quickly call during the afternoon and ask if she had time to watch a couple of movies over the phone later that evening. Of course, she always did! For the first six months or so, they both would say “I love you” regularly and send touching romantic, sexy gifts across country. Even though they had many steamy X-rated conversations which he initiated, and regular emails with links to songs they loved, he steered clear of naming their relationship, citing dislike of labels. If Sarah wouldn’t drop it, he told her they were just friends. Why he kept asking her if she was dating or sleeping with anyone in every conversation was beyond her.

Chris admitted he used to be a huge player in the past, but he was celibate now. The past was the past. Sometimes he’d call her up again after about an hour of just getting off the phone with her, and he’d sound vulnerable asking if he could read to her a beautiful love song he just wrote. He’d say the songs were about no one in particular.

Sarah and Chris never had video calls. With all the conspiracy theories he’d tell her over the years, she knew how much he hated social media and having his personal data recorded forever. He said he had to be extremely discrete as a cop, and also hated cellphones because they caused cancer, so he didn’t like to text very much either. He told her he watched movies using his landline, and she believed him. She knew he was a bit eccentric, and she actually thought it was kind of cute.

Chris knew she loved him. Not only that; she loved him UNCONDITIONALLY. What a high for him! If it is humanly possible, Sarah definitely loved him unconditionally. Or at least the image he had created. She would have left everything behind and moved to his country to be with him. She would have tolerated his endless conspiracies, need for control, extreme lack of flexibility, and even his inability to speak lovingly and warmly to her in that way she had always dreamed of.

Chris was insistent about NOT wanting to talk about friends or family too. Other than during their first phone call during the love-bombing stage, he never spoke again about his past. He’d snap at her impatiently for asking how his family was doing during his holiday visits, or how his day was at work, even just in general. A couple months before things ended between them, years into the ‘situationship’, Sarah brought up his first girlfriend again. He casually said in his ever so calm voice:

“She got shot by an ex-boyfriend of hers. She’s dead.”

“WHAT!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING? OMG!!! WHAT HAPPENED?”

Of course, he didn’t want to talk about the traumatic details. The topic was dropped, but not forgotten, in Sarah’s mind.

One afternoon, on Valentine’s Day, Chris called in his sweet way, with his sexy slow drawl, asking if Sarah had time to watch a couple of movies later that evening. As usual, she was excited to spend time with him and she hurriedly finished eating dinner and cleaning up.

What started as a peaceful, quiet evening together watching movies went downhill in a matter of minutes. Once both movies ended, Chris said something in that arrogant manner he had, and it felt like a mean dig to Sarah. Again. She had enough! Enough of the insults disguised as jokes, lack of transparency, and inability to express himself! She hung up; he called her back then he hung up. She tried leaving a voicemail and discovered he had blocked her. The toxic behavior was nauseating. 

Tired of the manipulative mind games, Sarah’s angry words would come out later over the next few days in such a way that it would end all communication between them for the next year - possibly forever. Years of hurt, frustration and resentment in the form of emails were filled with her suspicions, feelings, and words she wanted to get off her chest.

She never got a response nor a phone call nor email this time, and – for once - she didn’t care.

Many will Sarah say was dumb, that it’s all her fault. God knows, narcissists surely will put that into your head. Still, omitting the truth is still deception, and deceiving others is NEVER ok. It’s how people get deeply hurt and develop trust issues, not only with future partners, but within themselves – THAT’S the real tragedy.

One thing Sarah also loved was the metaphysical world! She often got tarot and birth chart readings, especially during critical times in her life. She had done so for years, and for the past eight years, often by the same mystic she’d met exactly around the time she met Chris! During that very first reading, all those years ago, Sarah had asked her about the new man in her life. The mystic, reading Chris’ energy and birth chart, asked if he was married. Sarah replied, “He says he isn’t. I know he had a live-in girlfriend at one time though.” The mystic answered, “Yes, I see she was very abusive.”

Ahh. That explained so much. Of course, he denied it and Sarah never asked about it again.

Soon after things ended with Chris, Sarah got another reading from the same mystic. Usually she asked questions around career, but this time she had just enough time to ask the healer a few final questions about Chris. The reader, who knew Sarah very well by now, said “I see the word ‘Fraud’". When asked if he was married or living with someone, the mystic said, “She’s had enough and kicked him out.” Sarah asked her if he had any children, and watched as the mystic pulled a tarot card.

It said “Son”.

Not the usual Sun card but a card Sarah had never seen in her years of reading her own cards. While all decks were different, to pull that card out of over eighty other cards spoke volumes. Sarah told her that she had no intentions of having anything more to do with Chris, and the mystic said, “I think your angels would agree with that. He’d only breadcrumb you even more, if you did.”

Sarah decided to do some digging. She already knew his address where she sent his gifts matched the photos of the house he sent her, and the photos of his face matched those on the cover albums he’d been putting out for years, including ones he’d sent from his home. What she didn’t have was any information about his work other than that the precinct was in his city, not in one of its surrounding communities. In the past, he had sent a photo of himself in a black uniform while sitting in what she thought was the inside of a cop car, parked outside the front doors of the precinct. In another photo, she couldn’t believe the size of the gun he showed her that had been taken inside his house. It was the length of her thigh!

That night, Sarah did something she never thought to do before in all the years they had been speaking to each other:

She called the precinct in Chris’ neighborhood to get his email address so she could contact him.  

Her jaw hit the floor when the officer on the end of the phone told her no one by that name worked there. He said it was a small facility; he’d been there for a long time and knew everyone there quite well. Trying to give Chris the benefit of the doubt, she described his appearance. Perhaps he used a different name outside of work? (Still deception). Surprisingly, the kind officer even looked Chris up on his social media page where he could see a photo. “No, this person does not work here.” In one final attempt, Sarah mentioned that he created music on the side as he had told her he gave some of his CDs to his coworkers. “No, no one here is a musician on the side.” The officer was very friendly and chatty, and Sarah mentioned she had seen a photo of Chris in his black uniform parked outside the precinct named after their city. He laughed gently, and said “All of our officers here wear blue uniforms, not black.” 

In disbelief, she thanked him for his time and hung up.

How could she be so stupid??? How could he be SUCH a CON???

That night, the tears fell, but she vowed she would never again cry over some stranger she had never met, who literally could be a professional con artist with a hidden family, for all she knew.

Maybe he had a partner who worked overnights. Maybe they lived together with a child and hated each other’s guts but were staying together for the sake of the child. Maybe they were separated but were still having sex, or he had a one-night stand with one of the online women he was addicted to, and she got pregnant so he felt he couldn’t leave. Maybe she did it on purpose, so he’d never leave? Oh, how he despises feeling trapped!

All Avoidants do.

It was true she had enjoyed the movie “dates” with him. Neither of them was lonely for those number of years. They had interesting intellectual debates, laughing and teasing each other at times as long it was kept lighthearted and not overly serious. He had told her a few times that he only communicates with people he finds attractive so of course he found her attractive. He couldn’t “quit her” or leave her alone or stop asking if she was sleeping with anyone…. yet to him, they were only friends.

The cruelty was around him sending mixed signals in the form of intimate gifts, flirty emails, spending hours of his time that he always initiated for years, writing and reading her his love songs, even until the end. By keeping him in her life, she was breaking her own heart. Sarah was too sweet and smart to settle for an emotionally unavailable man who wanted to be seen as mysterious, sexy, talented, and tough. She knew she’d never find true love with a secretive guy who had countless skeletons in his closet and closed-off heart.

After writing and sending a carefully crafted, and even kind, final email to Chris, Sarah took a deep breath. This time there were no tears. There was only peace and pride knowing that she finally trusted herself enough to let go of a false fantasy. 

It was over. The game was over.

HE was over.

Her intuition was in control – not him, and nor would he ever be again, or any other man.