I Didn't, I Don't, I Do

                                           I Didn’t, I Don’t, I Do

I joined the family as baby girl #5 when my oldest sister was already 11 years old and 3 others aged 9, 7 and 4. I didn’t know as an infant just how enamored my big sisters were with having a new baby in the house. The home for a family of 7 was a 3 bedroom, 1 bath apartment on the 3rd floor of a Chicago, Illinois 3 flat. I didn’t know that my sisters found me prettier and more fun than dolls but I do remember many good childhood memories in that cramped loving domicile.

The sister that took the lead babysitting and caring for me was the oldest, Lynn. Our mother was so cunning and a skillful homemaker that delegated all of her household chores. No maid or nanny services were affordable and every sister had a designated task. Babysitting was top of the list for Lynn. I didn’t realize how much I relied on a best friendship with Lynn. I didn’t know then how much I would miss driving around in her 1967 sports car, giggling in the backseat and spending hours at a local Chicago Lake Michigan beach building sandcastles, listening to 8 track tapes, jumping into the waves at the shoreline and best of all ice cream cones. The daily attention was devotional. My infant, toddler and pre-teen years could be considered the princess days of my life.

Lynn’s independent personality was not a positive attribute as our family became dysfunctional with parental love for vodka martinis combined with the after affects of physical abuse. Lynn was already earning money babysitting for neighborhood children and working at a grocery store. I don’t know when the threats to kick Lynn out of the house became unbearable. The aggression became constant when Lynn’s money for room and board was not placed on the dining room bar by the weekly Friday pay day. I don’t know when the twisted future plans for Lynn changed a happy existence for all in our family. Lynn developed her own shield from abuse and prepared to leave the family due to the atmosphere of drunken nights slapped with unhappiness and her inability to intervene and solve the addiction problem. Lynn confided in her sisters attempting to explain why she planned to leave us and move on to find her way to a college and new job to survive. One sister could not resist telling our mother Lynn planned on leaving. She was excited that she would not have to share a bedroom if Lynn left. I don’t know what rage and jealousy came over my mother and that sister and I don’t know why all of Lynn’s belongings were gathered and tossed over the 3rd floor porch banister onto the ground level concrete back yard. I don’t know why I remember hearing the shouts,

“Get Out, Leave and Do Not Come Back”. I don’t know why but I felt abandoned.

Many years passed before I saw Lynn again. We were estranged from her until we heard of her upcoming marriage and Lynn decided a peace truce would be desirable. My parents wanted to meet her fiancé and be part of the wedding. My mother convinced Lynn to include all sisters in the wedding party and found a seamstress to make the dresses for her 4 girls. The rest of the wedding expense was going to be on Lynn and our mother wanted to invite more guests. I don’t know why we did not know until the day of the wedding whether our parents were going to attend the ceremony but they did. Lynn had compromised on the guest list, pared it down to an affordable seating and our mother had to attend the wedding to save face. The truce did not last long after that. When Lynn was expecting her firstborn years later that is when I shared time with Lynn again. I wanted independence like Lynn and I found a guy that was willing to marry me, swiftly taking me away from my parents and before my true maturity date I gave birth to 2 children. My husband was not a guy that treated me like the princess I dreamed would care for me forever. I had been familiar with booze, bouts and bellowing fights but never witnessed drug dealing. Here I was with 2 children old enough now to assist with my husband’s drug business as innocent mules. My future plans twisted me into knots and leaving the marriage with my 2 kids was my only option. I don’t know how I had the fortitude to leave everything behind yet the memory of Lynn leaving the house with nothing but her car and personal items picked up from the backyard gave me an ounce of courage.

I don’t know why I needed to convince my mother we should buy a house together. A couple of efforts to rent an apartment on my own was a financial burden above my pay grade. I was down and out with 2 grown kids that decided their father’s house would be a better place for them to live unless I found a new residence. Our father had just passed, mother had insurance money to make a move, it would be perfect for both of us. We searched for a house to buy and no decision could be made before my mother passed away. I don’t know how I decided to reach out to Lynn who had just inherited a neighbor’s house in a good school district and there might be room for me and the kids. I don’t know why Lynn calculated the cost to hold the property with taxes and utilities and pass that expense on to me but the agreement seemed fair enough to solve my financial and housing dilemma at that time. I wanted to be near Lynn and craved for that childhood caring that had disappeared for so many years. I don’t know why Lynn decided to sell their property and move thousands of miles away but she did. My kids, now college age, were not in my custody and decided to live with their father. Lynn could not easily sell her beautiful home in the Northern suburb of Illinois so I was able to stay temporarily in that house. I was lonely once again. I don’t know why I searched for men and they all turned out to be “frogs”, not the prince I was praying would be my forever best friend. Lynn found a piece of property that had a guest house and room for me so I packed up, moved out of state to settle in Texas. My dream for my own place and my own man was not getting fulfilled. I don’t know why the feeling of confinement in Lynn’s small guest house pushed me into buying my own Texas condominium yet I was determined to find my dream man sooner rather than later. All the looking and dating only helped me to know what I did not want in a male best friend. None of my dating experiences were keepers and they certainly did not match the criteria I had determined would bring me happiness while letting me be classy, sassy and a little smart assy. I don’t know why every guy I met for over 10 years had a trait that would eliminate the hope for a husband.

I do know that Lynn was looking at every potential guy that was the right age, right background, right looks, and no heavy baggage for me even if a companion could only offer fun dating for awhile. We both belonged to a gym and occasionally there was a guy that could have a mutual need for a fun date. I do know that if Lynn pointed out a guy in the gym I would consider him yet there was always that “something” that eliminated a long term relationship. I do know there was intrigue in Lynn’s voice as she described a man she just started talking to while exercising on the treadmill at the gym. Lynn waited a couple of weeks of “interviewing” him before she even told me about him. I do know that at first site of this guy I wanted Lynn to make the introduction. The surprise was that this guy wanted to give me his number the second day after getting Lynn to joke about me being her baby sister and making sure he did not think Lynn was my mother! I do know our immediate connection was magical and he was going to be my man. I do know he had everything on my criteria list as Lynn had covered all the bases to assure he was going to be prepared to treat me like a princess. The fairy tale dating began and I was in a tailspin to make this relationship a best friend commitment. I did know he was marriage material and was surprised to be ghosted after a few weeks of dating only to find out that he had been internet dating and felt obligated to honor a promise to attend the girl’s mother’s funeral in another state. When he returned from the trip he apologized for such a secret break up from the girl he had been dating and we continued to date. My readiness to share his life was my foremost priority. I didn’t know that it would ever be possible to meet the man of my dreams. I did know that we were on a fast track that would change both of our lives forever. I did know I was a better person with him in my life. I was excited about our life’s path and the adventures that lay ahead. Words could not describe the amount of joy and happiness he brought into my life every day. There were no reasons to live apart. He had a castle of a ranch and my condominium would be a secure investment for us. The proposal was sweet, the magnificent plans for a private wedding on an Alaskan cruise ship was my dream come true with the words, “I do”.