You, Me, and the Existential Dread

It’s hard to break something you don’t know exists. If you don’t know what a car is, how can you crash it? How are you supposed to chop down a tree if you don’t understand what an axe does? But, even if you did know how to crash the car or chop the tree, what if you physically couldn’t? Isn’t that worse, in some way? That, despite you wanting to do something, you just couldn’t. Your feet can’t reach the pedals. Your arms can’t hold the axe. You simply do not have the ability to break anything at all.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Guess I got carried away there. But you get it, right? It makes sense. I mean, think about the kid version of yourself. Did your parents give you the whole ‘you can do anything’ speech? Do you remember when you realized that wasn’t true? I do. I was 10, and I’d studied hard for one of those standardized spelling tests. I failed it. Bad. And that was terrible for me, you know? Because all my life, I’d never made less than an A, and now that safe version of my life was forever distorted.

What? Oh, yeah, I guess your right. That specific cycle—my cycle of perfection—was broken. But that wasn’t me. I mean, I didn’t purposefully do it. That’s a little scarier than not being able to do something at all. Yeah, that’s worse now that I think about it. For your safety to be shattered by happenstance.

No, no, I’ll take the salad, thanks.

But anyway, back to what we were talking about. So, do you think it’s possible to break something you don’t know exists? What do you mean, what do I mean? I guess…I guess I’m talking about habits or unconscious thoughts. Something you didn’t know was an issue until someone noticed it.

Am I making sense?

What do you mean? Your dating profile said you were into deep conversations. I think this is deep. Just hear me out. Try and think of something that you didn’t know was a problem until, I don’t know, your mom pointed it out.

You chew your nails? Oh, I guess you do. I didn’t notice. Yeah, we can use that as an example.

So how long have you chewed your nails? Oh wow, since you were little, huh? Most people do that as like, a nervous tick, right? Do you do it when you are anxious? I think I get it. You did that for a long time because it brought you comfort. What did you do when your mom brought it to your attention?

Clear nail polish? You put that on your nails? Well, considering your nails look like a gopher went at them, I’m guessing that didn’t work.

Sorry.

I’m guessing you just took it off. So, you had a way to stop, but you didn’t. Why? Biting your nails is a huge hygiene problem. Ah, it was because that made you feel safe. Normal. So, you didn’t want to break that habit, even though it was hurting you. I mean, it was only your nails, but still, does that make sense?

See, told you. This is deep.

Wait, me? You want to know my unhealthy habits? Um, yeah, no, sure, uh…let me think.

I…guess I have an unhealthy relationship with things going my way. Kind of like this date. I brought the roses, and money to pay, and I was just really hoping that things would go perfectly tonight because you’re…really amazing. And you’ve been listening to me ranting for the past 15 minutes. No one else has done that.

Was that weird? Oh, that was totally weird, wasn’t it? Maybe weird is a good thing? Maybe you like weird?

But yeah, I think I got focused on the perfect life when I was little, and I just never grew out of it. Grades, hobbies, er…relationships, too. Those little things just followed me all the way until now. And I’ve always been scared of screwing something up and then being stuck in one place all my life. I literally can’t imagine a life like that. Of being so unhappy, but also being unable to do anything to change that.

Sorry, I got a little dark there. Just…let me know if this isn’t going well for you. It wouldn’t be the first date I’ve ruined by opening my big mouth.

No?

You're…okay with this?

That’s a first.

Oh, our foods here.

Huh? Sorry, I didn’t catch what you were saying. You kind of had some spaghetti in your mouth. What do I do for a living? That’s one way to change the topic, I guess. I’m a nurse at the hospital. I work with critical care patients.

Thanks! It wasn’t easy. And it cost a lot of money, but it’s nice to make a difference.

Well, yeah, I think anyone in the health field would say they were making a difference. I take care of people who can’t take care of themselves. That’s a big deal.

Hey, just because I help people doesn’t mean I can’t still feel trapped. I can still feel like I’m not going anywhere. I…I can be satisfied with my job and still feel bad about other areas of my life.

I guess you are right though. I’ve already succeeded so much in my life already. I’ve been able to do anything I’ve set my mind to. I suppose that, if I could become a nurse, I could also have a good relationship. Maybe I get stuck in the ‘what-ifs’ more than the ‘what-is’.

Maybe we can break our cycles, so long as we give it a fair go. And if we have someone by our side to support us. N-not that I’m saying that about us. This is only a first date, after all.

You wouldn’t mind supporting me? Well, I wouldn’t mind supporting you, so I guess we have that in common.

How about we start with splitting the bill?