Remember

IMPORTANT: The crossed out words are intentional

   The raindrops trickled down from the dark and cloudy skies. Thunder roared from above and I closed my eyes as each droplet hit the crimson umbrella, a steady sound over and over. Drip, drip, drip. Blocking out the bustling city, I forced myself to focus on those little drops as I exhaled a slow breath, opening my eyes to watch the forming cloud of smoke with silent satisfaction as I stood in the park. I was drenched, not bothering to move the umbrella to cover myself yet again. I would never have bothered to bring an umbrella before, but this time it was something special.

   My hands gently dipped into the pack I had hidden the book in. Its pages were worn and disheveled, each one out of place yet a small string held golden edges together. My lips pulled slightly at the satisfaction of it not catching a droplet of water. I twisted and turned the leather-like spine in my palms, slowly and delicately tracing its cracks. My fingers ghosted across it ever so delicately as if it would burn me.

 Slowly I moved toward her. She was the perfect embodiment of beauty and grace. Hair silky and long, with a heart-stopping smile and heart-shaped lips. I felt a warm feeling wrap around my body, tingles in my spine at the mere sight of her, the mere thoughts in which she clouded my mind.

"It has been a while since we last met," I whispered, my voice barely audible. 

Carefully, I opened the book to the first page for I had not wished to break the thin pages, so delicate and soft as I held it in my arms. My lips parted with a deep breath, urging myself to begin reading the fine, handwritten words.

"I had seen him again today, it was not but a slight glance in the halls in which he had so elaborately caught my focus, standing there in front of the classroom door I continued to stare. With every rise and fall of his feet, it had come to me that he was getting closer and I felt my heart race out of my chest. I hated him for it. I didn't really."

I paused for a split second as I recollected my breath, knowing that she was anticipating for me to read further. "I had feared that he would hear it, feared that he would discover what an effect he had on me. He had no idea of how the mere sight of him rendered me speechless, unable to form a thought nonetheless a word. He corrupted my mind and plagued me with his smile. God, how I despised him for stupid he made me feel." A low humorous chuckle escaped me, but I was quick to quiet myself and continue. 

"He was a weakness, my weakness. A crack in my carefully crafted mask. A hammer that kept attempting to break down every one of my walls and corrupt every effort I had put into my image of perfection. He was my undoing, a torturous thorn to my side that refused to be plucked out, too far in. Only for him to glide right past me."

I felt my smile widening, warmness rushed through my veins at the struck words, my fingers tracing them ever so gently for I knew that they were intentional. A contrast to the cruel cold wind and water that bit into my skin and chilled me to the bone. A new feeling of joy, a different one than normal.

For a long while, I stood there, unable to continue as an invisible clock ticked in my head, listening to the sounds of the city that had filled in the momentary silence of my lips. Glancing back down I realized that the page had come to an end and I flipped them. Only for a new event to appear and I read it in renewed curiosity knowing that she had felt the same. "I stood there, beneath the school's outstretched walls as heavy rain poured down from what appeared to be angry skies. A frown pulled at my mouth, feelings of disappointment clouding me at the sight. My umbrella only seemed to add to my frustration at its incapability to open properly. Broken by the hard wind, my frown turned into a scowl. My eyes flitted back to the run as I stuffed it into my backpack. 

Extending my hands past the comforts of the walls, I watched as rain pooled in my hands and began to spill over as it flooded. I was going to be soaked by the time I am halfway home. The one time I decided to walk home! Grumbling curses beneath my breath, I exhaled a tense breath and watched it turn into a could of smoke as I exhaled. Maybe if I were to run and find a bus station, I might not be as wet. I thought meekly, knowing that it would not be possible since I had no pocket money for a bus and the closest one was a good distance away.

I disliked the feeling of wetness for it sagged my clothes and made them stick to my skin. Already regretting my decision, I closed my eyes and stepped forward, face twisted as I waited for the cold and uncomfortable feeling to arrive but nothing came.

My eyes peeled open, peeking out into the open as the sound of rain dropping onto a surface that had not resembled the pavement. A guy stood in front of me, soaked to the prim as he held out a red umbrella over my head. I gaped at him as his hairs were in tight curls, pressed against his head, clothes drenched and heavy. Why was he being nice to someone he did not know? I was sure that this should have brought him discomfort but as I beheld his expression, I realized that there was not a hint of any discomfort in his eyes. Instead, he was… smiling. Smiling at…me. I like his smile. 

“Here. You might catch a cold!” He extended the red, silky umbrella and I stared at his hand. Exasperated, confused. It was ironic how he appeared to care so much about that sort of thing when he looked as if he had come back from swimming in the pool. My eyes instinctively narrowed as my eyebrow shot up, skeptically. A silent question of why painted across my face and it was clear he did not wish to answer as he pushed it further toward me.

I glanced up at her again, watching her never fading smile, knowing how much she would love to hear this part. Lips quivering, I continued. " I was speechless at the man who had stood in front of me, for once in my life it was unclear what I must say or do so I stood there and did nothing as our silence was filled by the never-ending rain. After a while, in which it had become clear that he was not moving until I had taken it, I decided to give in and slowly and carefully take it.

I tried so hard to pretend as if I felt nothing as my fingers grazed his. Stammering I said, "But-what about? Aren't you? It is raining." I mentally screamed at myself for acting so foolishly. Suddenly the umbrella was whipped by the wind, flipped inside out, and almost fell from my hands. Why isn't that just great! In a frenzy, I fixed the umbrella and stared back at the bastard, only for him to stand there and laugh at me! Laughing so hard in fact that he began to shed tears. I scowled in return as my cheeks flushed a darker shade of red. Glaring at him, my eyes threw invisible daggers." I paused and snorted at that part as she attempted to get the book out of my hands in sudden embarrassment, realizing what was truly happening here. But I refused to give it to her.

Twisting away from her as I held the umbrella over her, I made sure that she couldn't even touch the book. "Give it back, that is enough!" I laughed at her attempts to snatch it from me, always stubborn. "No!" I shouted back as I continued reading.

"You can have it," He said with a shrug and motioned to the car from behind. I nodded, not yet forgiving him but easing up a bit. Turning around he began to walk away and I silently watched, only for him to pause and waved at me. "Thank you!" He shouted and got in, driving away.

My eyebrows furrowed with each other in confusion. Why was he thanking me? " 

"Ha!" She screamed in victory as she held the book in her hands, managing to wrestle it away from me at last. It was her diary, after all, she kept giggling as I attempted to get it back. Then as I was an inch away from getting it, everything had disappeared.

I was back again in the same spot, standing there. Feet unmoving in the muddied grounds as my face had become wet for a reason other than rain, a smile still pulled tight as any thought or phantom of her laughter faded away as well. This was the millionth time that my mind hallucinated her, torturing me every day with thoughts of what she and I would have done only to realize it was nothing more than a fantasy. Closing the pages of the book as I no longer bared to look at them anymore, I whispered to her grave in the ground, eyes never straying from her picture. Holding the same umbrella from the day we had first met above her and laying the book next to her.

"Do you remember me, Donnina?" It was a pointless question, an impossible question to ask a spirit that was never going to return to me. All I could do was stare at the flowers laid upon the ground and at the engraved name and date. Wondering what could have been as fleeting memories kept pondering my mind. Memories I had held on so dearly to and I was afraid. Afraid to let go because what would be of them then?

I felt her presence around me every day, every waking and sleeping moment. She was everywhere, her scent, her laughter. She infiltrated my dreams and poisoned my mind. And I broke into violent sobs as my body fell to its knees in front of her, "I am sorry." I kept whispering to nothing as bitter thoughts flooded my brain. 

It should have been me. I was supposed to be me. I failed you. 

I coiled into myself as I brought my knees close to my chest and the cold rain bit into me yet again. "I am so sorry…"