The Ghost In Me

At the intersection of Wellworth and Glendon, I could go right and head home – but turning left would take me to her. It would have been her 80th birthday, today. I found myself wandering around a pristine cemetery, and felt something pulling at my feet, guiding them to the cemetery’s mausoleums. There she was, Marilyn Monroe, with kiss prints surrounding her name. I dropped to my knees, tears and sobs overwhelmed me as I sat shaking on the ground. I could barely touch her finely etched name, but when I did I felt a surge of something almost sickening. The feeling sat in my stomach and then radiated towards my chest. I took a step back from Marilyn’s grave, but couldn’t shake the feeling that she was trying to tell me something. “Stand up Sissy, it will be alright. This moment is ours, be happy and have some Dom.” “Yes lovey, with strawberries?” “Yes, with strawberries; we’ll have a party! For my birthday! Won’t that be delicious?” And from that moment on she was always with me, day and night and everyglimmer in between.

I woke up to an empty bed. My husband was a police officer and worked a night shift from 2pm-2am. He had come home late before, but not four hours late. I got my son and helped him get ready for school. “Shower. Breakfast. Backpack. Alright, you’re ready to go little man. Take the long way today; there was an accident around the corner.” “Ok mommy.”

I tried calling Adam’s cell a few times, but it went straight to voicemail. I figured his partner’s wife would be up, so I gave her a ring to see if she’d heard from the boys. She also woke up to an empty bed and couldn’t get in touch with her husband either. “I’ll call Captain Barbosa,” I reassured her, “He’ll know where they are.” I called the captain and he told me that it might me a good idea for me to come to the station. Well hell, I’m not Einstein, but even I know that sounds bad.

When I got to the station, I saw many familiar faces… none of them smiling. I knocked on Captain Barbosa’s door and was invited in. “Have a seat,” he said in a voice of forced calm. “Sissy, you knew Adam was close to catching those brothers dealing from Peru?” I shook my head yes while wringing my hands frantically in my lap. “Well, last night Adam and Danny set up surveillance from what we thought was a secured location. About midnight, the fire department answered a call in that area, and it was Adam’s SUV. I am so sorry Sissy, but we lost them both.” Lost them both? Meaning what, you can’t find them? Then go fucking look for them. But I didn’t say it out loud, because I wasn’t that stupid. I know what lost means; lost means dead.

When I lost my best friend, the love of my life, Marilyn would whisper to me to make me laugh. When the terrible nightmares came retelling the night my Aichan was taken from me, she sang me to sleep. And then came a day that would change my life, the day she shared her secret with me. It was August 4th, 2012, the fiftieth anniversary of Marilyn’s death. Her words resound in my head still, and I will never forget the day her biggest mystery was revealed directly to my soul.

“Ok, so the day started off pretty normal. Lazy dazy, I woke up around 10am, and Pat had already left. She and I would have grown-up girl sleepovers whenever we had the chance. She must have had errands to run; she didn’t leave a note. I used to poke around on Saturdays, but Pat was always busy, busy, busy. I had some toast and coffee and decided it best to take a shower and try to make the most of a lonely day. But it didn’t turn out to be very lonely after all. Around 11:30am, there came a knock at my front door. Eunice answered it, and as soon as I heard his voice I sprinted into the livingroom. It was Bobby. As he came in to sit down, his stiff black dress shoes left click-clacking noises on the hardwood floor. Wearing a suit; he’s always in a suit. Doesn’t this man know it’s ninety degrees outside? Who wears a suit on a Saturday afternoon in August in LA? And not a hair out of place. Intimidating he was, no doubt he’s going to run for President sometime after John. Well, maybe not. John did get him the Attorney General job and Lord knows he wasn’t even qualified for that. Oops, did I say that out loud? Scratch that. Bobby was a kind and generous man with a bright political future. Does that sound better?” Marilyn finished.

“I always knew that guy was a schmuck,” I chimed in, “Hated the hair.”

“Bobby had a seat and invited me to sit across from him. Hmm, my favorite plush orange sofa. I bought it at a Twentieth-Century Fox auction and got a delicious deal. Sometimes I would just lay around on that couch and daydream about having kids in a big mansion with lots of flowers. I would make lemonade and sandwiches and everything would be perfect…oh…back to Bobby. He seemed so calculated and focused. I could tell that whatever he needed to talk to me about was serious; I knew his serious face well. He took my hand and looked into my eyes. His mouth opened and this is what I heard, ‘Marilyn darling, I love you and want no one else.’ But what he really said was, ‘Marilyn darling, we cannot continue this any further.’ Then he dropped my hand, stood up, and click-clacked out the door. Stunned would be one word, but it doesn’t quite fit. Amazed, no. Shocked, sorta. Ooo, yes. I know the words, the exact words to describe the way I was feeling. PISSED OFF! So what do I do? What would any scorned woman do when she’s got mad dirt on some of the most powerful men in the world? I call my publicist and set up a press conference for Monday morning. What do I hold in my hands that the press would want to see? Why, my little red book, my journal, otherwise known as the Kennedy brothers’ balls in a satchel. I took up my favorite place on the couch and kicked my feet in the air, half feeling sorry for myself and half still angry. I really didn’t know what to think. It was my gift. Lure them in and then drive them away. I couldn’t keep a man if he were chained to my ankle. But who needs them? I have the bed to myself, I have the closet to myself, and I don’t have to pick up dirty socks all over my house. Being single has its perks kid. I know you miss him, but everything will work out. I see him around sometimes. He’d want you to be happy and live a life that brings you joy, not tears,” she imparted.

“Wait a minute,” I started. “You’ve seen Adam?” “Of course lovey, we’re in the same place. We both left the world loved.” I asked with hesitation, “Who loved you?” She answered almost immediately, “You.”

“Ok, on with the story. This mind numbing Saturday just seemed to bore on, and I was simply tired of blinking my eyes. So I went into the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water, and took three Nembutal to ease my tension. Dr. Greenson gives them to me to help me sleep, and I just wanted to sleep the night away. I called a few friends, whispered good night and laid down to sleep with nothing on but Chanel No. 5. Little press joke, did you get it?” she quipped.

“Yes, yes, I get it,” my eyes rolling with a smirk.

“A little after 9pm, I heard someone trying to come through my bedroom window. I’m doped up, so there’s no way I’m fending off a burglar! And then I saw that it was Dr. Greenson. Baffled, at first, I thought I was dreaming. Then he calmly spoke murmuring words of meditation and sweet dreams while he placed a large capsule into my ass and left out the window. I was still dazed but heard voices outside. The first voice was Greenson, ‘Ok, it’s done.’ The second was Bobby’s, ‘$100,000 as promised, and your family is pardoned.’ Oh my god, I thought in my stupor, he knows, Bobby knows. He knows about the press conference and I’m, I’m what? I’m staring at my body. I panicked but didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call for help or open the door or anything. I was a specter, trapped in a world I shouldn’t have been a part of.”

“So wait, Marilyn, are you saying Dr. Greenson gave you the lethal dose that killed you?”

“Yes.”

“So then what happened to the pills in the empty Nembutal bottle that were left on your nightstand?”

“Greenson must have taken them, flushed them or something, and then pretended I took them.”

“But there was no water glass in your room. How was anybody supposed to believe you took all those pills with nothing to drink?”

“A little boo boo?”

“Ooohhh, sweetie, I gotta sit down.

“What is it, you alright sugar?”

“Now I know. The autopsy didn’t show any needle marks. That’s because he actually gave you a suppository instead of a shot. And then when they wanted to take a second look at your stomach and liver, your stomach and liver just disappeared. The evidence was missing. They took them didn’t they? THEY TOOK THEM!”

“Lily, it’s going to be ok, I’m not going to leave you. Plus there’s more to the story, and you’re going to love this part. Later that day, I was wandering in and out of rooms, wishing I could talk to Pat. She was sitting at my kitchen table while police investigators bagged and labeled all my stuff and basically left the house empty except for my books. Then Bobby walked through the front door, kinda brazen for a man in his position. He walked toward my bedroom making a stop to peek inside my closet. Pat came around the corner holding my journal in her hand and said, ‘Looking for this asshole?’ ‘Ah come on now Pat,’ Bobby cooed, ‘you know nothing but bad will come of you having your hands on that. You probably don’t understand half of what she wrote in there.’ Pat shot back, ‘Oh I understand enough... that if it’s important enough for you to come steal, it’s best left with me. Now get the hell out of this house before I tell the cops what I think really happened.’ ‘And what fantasy do you believe Pat? You’re just as stupid as s he was,’ Bobby sputtered out before a thunderous SLAP cut off his words and sent his head snapping sideways. That a girl, I remember thinking. Nobody calls me stupid. Are you feeling better lovey?”

“How am I supposed to feel better about this? They murdered you. They lied to everyone. Why are you telling me this? No one will ever believe it!”

“I’m telling you because you’ve always wanted to know. I know that you’ve lost sleep wondering what happened to me. Please know that all is fine.”

“How can all be fine? They got away with it!”

“Ah, silly Lily, Pat had the book. I got mine in the end. And trust me, we don’t see John and Bobby here. There are special places in hell reserved for those bastards.”

“You mean, the journal? What the hell did you have in that thing?”

“Bit of this, bit of that. You see, when I was dating John, I had to sit through a lot of boring talk about things I knew nothing about, nor did I care to. But I knew it was important to John that I could converse on his level and make good conversation. So, I kept a journal of all the things he talked about. I would look them up in newspapers and watch the news to keep up. Then when we were together again, I could talk about all his bullshit and pretend I had an interest. I kept this up even when I started seeing Bobby. I went to all this trouble to prove one thing… that I wasn’t stupid. All my life, men have been treating me like a ditz, and I was tired of it. I think that might be why they both left me. Maybe they were looking for a dumb blonde.”

“So what did Pat do with your journal?”

“She saw to it that all the right people had a copy, and the chips just fell. You’re Buddhist. Karma’s a bitch. But you know what?”

“What?”

“John’s was the best. Strolling along on a crisp November day, and then bam! Brains everywhere! All over the car! All over his wife! Oh, boo hoo, the nation’s in mourning. I was laughing my ass off.”

“What did you ever see in that guy anyway?”

“He was cute, what can I say?”

“Cute? Yuck. John Kennedy looked like a horse! Now Reagan, HE was a looker.”

“Boo, Ronnie Reagan. He was always married, and he’d never cheat.”

“Haha, see, I told you he was a catch.”

“You know, there’s something that I’ve noticed in these fifty years.”

“And that is?”

“John gets so many visitors. They’re always lining up to see his flame thingy. An eternal flame? I mean really. What does it signify, that he was an eternal ass?”

“He broke your heart didn’t he? But Marilyn, question.”

“Yes lovey.”

“Why were you with a married man in the first place?”

“I don’t know. He was charming, that’s for sure. I guess I thought if I were sexy enough, and smart enough… he’d love me more.”

“Holy shit, I just realized that I’m having girl talk with Marilyn Monroe. Does this mean we can have a pillow fight?”

“Teehee, break out the Dom sweet pea!”

“But seriously, why does it bother you so much that John gets so many visitors? You get lots of visitors too.”

“Yes, I guess I should get over it. After all, although John gets more visitors, I get more flowers.”

“I’m sorry that I don’t come to see you more often, but I always come on your birthday, no matter what.”

“I know, and you bring the roses. I always wanted to ask you, why two white roses?”

“Well, the colors of flowers mean something. Red means love, yellow means friendship. But white stands for purity. The purest love a woman will ever know is for her children. Had you not miscarried, you would have had two children. I bring you one for each of them.”

“Oh Lily, would it surprise you that I get to rock them in my arms? They’re perfect little babies who will never age and will stay perfect forever.”

“Truly? You get to see them? Marilyn, are you happier dead than alive?”

“Of course I am lovey. No pressure, no media, no men chasing me, and no need to worry about the pains of my past. Here I can smile and laugh, and I don’t need pills or booze to make me smile and laugh. I do it because I’m happy.”

“I wish I could forget about my past. The painful stuff, ya know, like Adam. But I’m glad to know that I have someone looking out for me now.”

“Yes Lily, I know. I’ve been watching you for a long time.”

“For how long?”

“Since you were a child. But in 2006, I heard rumors that these brothers were planning to kill some LAPD officers, and your husband was one of them.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Graveyards attract the strangest folks you know. So, I began walking alongside you to help you through what was going to happen. And then when he was gone, I no longer had to stay.”

“So who watches over me now? If you don’t have to stay… “

“I whispered to you to make you laugh.”

“Before I even knew it was you.”

“I sang to you to help you sleep. It was the only thing that calmed the nightmares. Some of the things in your head… frightened me. At first, when I became a ghost, I only thought about myself. I thought about what I was missing, things I could never do again, people I may never see. And then I saw what was going on in your mind.”

“You can see inside my mind?”

“More like feel it. You have awful things in there, and seeing how scary the world is from your point of view gave me perspective. You had to sell your house, move into this tiny apartment, get another job, and miss time with your friends. You have to raise Jameson by yourself in a place that doesn’t understand him, or you. I love you so much because I’ve watched you become so strong. You inspire me, you taught me that giving up is never an option.”

“I’ve wanted to give up. But as long as you don’t give up on me…”

“Not a chance. And hey Lil?”

“Yeah?”

“Try and lay off the Diet Dr. Peppers, those things are gonna kill you.”

“Hahaha. Thanks for looking out, for your kind words and for making me feel like I mean something. When Adam died, I thought I would never mean anything to anyone again.”

“You will always mean something to me. In fact, I think you might just be my biggest fan.”

“Is that why you picked me?”

“No, I picked you because I love you Aichan.”

“Marilyn… ?”