Barely a Believer

TW- Assault, Psychiatric instability

"Hey, are you there God, it's me"

   I sat on my bedroom floor, whispering to myself, or God, if there is one. The rough rug scratching my shins makes me squirm uncomfortably, but I stay in the same position. What am I doing-there can't be a god, even if there is why should I care about it or it care about any of us?

   "I don't do this, I don't know why I should be; I guess this is a last resort. I don't know if I believe in you or what people think you are, but I need to stay here but to do that I need proof that there is, some sort of hope- I need a person or a sign that there is a sliver of good. I mean actual good, not the kind of thing on youtube, I want to see a person do something actually completely good, not someone saying 'bless you' to a stranger, or someone catching a person before they fall, that crap happens every day. I don't know what I need but I need something.” 

    I paused, there was a knock on my door. 

Crap.

     I stand up warily, walking to my door. 

     I thought my parents were out. I open the door and peek through the crack before opening it completely. Standing there is Jen. 

    “Hey June,” she giggled out. 

    Jen was nine months older than me, technically my older sister but we were in the same grade. 

    “ Come to the mall with me,” she said this as a statement rather than a question. 

Guess I can’t get out of this one, it’ll probably be good to get out of the house though…

     “ Be at the car in five minutes, we’ll get dinner out so dress, nice-ish.”     After spurting this out she jumps down the stairs and out the front door.

     “Ok then,” I mutter to myself, “Pick this up later?”

 I looked up to where God might be and shrugged. I guess we will then. 

    I duck into the car, barely missing hitting my head, readjusting my jacket while buckling my seatbelt. Jen was wearing baggy jeans and a burgundy sweatshirt that said Brown University in college lettering. I threw on 90’s style jeans a random shirt and my favorite, and only, leather jacket. 

    “Sup, you look cute.” 

  “Yeah you too, where you wanna shop” I reply.

    “Wherever we walk into”

  “How much did you make this time, I made two-fifty this month.”

    “I made thirty more than that- two-eighty,” Jen starts backing up, narrowly missing the trash can.

    “Dude, if you hit the trash can again, Mom’ll kill you- did you text them?”

    “We aren’t 8 June, we’ll just say we went out, they can meet us for dinner.”

I laugh lightly before Jen joins in, louder. I pull my phone out of my pocket and send Mom a text. 

    I stare out the car window, I shouldn’t lay my head down though, it will mess with my makeup. We pass a small red car, then a gray minivan. All I hear is the sound of the car, pumping, working, struggling to keep us moving. I see the birds flying by, most people hate the pigeons, but they’re actually okay. We pass the park, there’s an older guy walking his equally old dog, a dad with his kid, a girl and her girlfriend holding hands walking, a little girl with her mom eating, just normal people. They have no idea how many people see them or have watched them enjoying their lives. I’d rather watch the park than the office buildings, they seem calmer. When we reach the office buildings, I look away. 

    By the time I’m fully out of the car, Jen is halfway across the parking lot.

“Jennifer- crap- wait!”

    As I start jogging to catch up, she turns around and begins sprinting towards the entrance. Dumb track star. I curse under my breath before trying to catch up. I run cross country, but she can out-sprint me anytime. We walk in together laughing and out of breath.

    “Beat, you- I beat you,” she mutters, taking deep breaths

“Hmmm, yep- I’ll kill you if you don’t wait next time,” I joke, kind of serious. 

We catch our breath before going further into the jungle of shops, greasy food, and vendors. We walk into a store, it looks like a small mom ‘n’ pop’s store. I stood in front of a wooden shelf, likely homemade, and pick up one of the necklaces from the shelf. I take one of the necklaces up to the counter and buy it. Fifteen dollars and twenty-eight cents, I pull out a twenty and wait for the lady to hand me back my change. She hands me a handful of coins and a few dollars that I shove into my pocket. The necklace has a small wave pendant that’s on a silver chain. It’s cute, kinda boring though, who cares right? It’s pretty so whatever. I scan the store for Jen before she grabs me from behind and grabs the necklace. 

    “What the heck, give it back,”

  “I’m just looking at it, so I can steal it from you later.” 

She tosses it back to me. While walking,  I fumble with the clasp before fully getting it on my neck. 

    We walked past the food court, the smell of too much grease, too much teriyaki sauce, and the sound of people talking too loud, wafting into the rest of the mall. That’s when a shrill sound pierced the thick, humid air. I saw Jennifer turn towards the source before she shook my shoulder. Behind us was a group of guys our age- or older, following us. 

    Jen whispered 

    “go quicker, act cool,” the strain and urgency in her voice contradicting her words. 

   I clutched her hand in mine and begin walking. She dragged behind me, looking behind us every few seconds. 

   Stay here, in and out, I need to make sure we stay safe, in and out. I walk through my mind, trying to make sure I stay in the present. I breathe, in, out, slow. In and out, trying to keep my new companion at bay. She is threatening to break through, causing a catastrophe that will translate into the mall, transforming into something worse. She wants me to let her through me into reality, using my body as a home where she is static and can begin to ruin my life herself, instead of making me her slave, again. 

    In, out, in, out, slow down, it’s ok, we’re ok, in and out, no slowly, in and out, in and out, in and out. Calm and prepared.

    “June, June- you okay.” 

    Jen had stopped walking. I turn to see the guys were still headed towards us in a blizzard of crude remarks and vulgar requests, followed by laughter and cheers. We were the unlucky girls today. Actually, just two of them. 

    “Yeah, let’s just leave and hang in the car for a while,”

     It’s too late. The blizzard was there, ready to drown us and leave us for someone else to clean up. 

    “Hey beautiful,” the apparent commander chuckled, sliding in front of my sister, separating us, “how ‘bout I take your cute body out to my car.” He licked his lips while grinning, he almost resembled a predator going after his prey. 

    I was too dazed to stop it until I heard another remark. This one on a directory towards me. 

“You twins, cause I like things that come in pairs,” another slightly shorter one growled at me, throwing in some innuendos for flare. 

 “Hey, we were just heading out, just let us leave,” Jen offered.

I simultaneously whispered, “Let’s just go, they won’t do anything.”

At this, the pack turned, the original leader directed his insults at me instead.  A wave of curses and threats came to me, they stopped when the leader stepped in front of me. 

He’s too close for comfort. I don’t want to breathe the same air as him, don’t want him to touch me, this can’t happen, in and out, please just stay calm; it’ll be alright, what if he hurts us though, what if I can’t stop them, in and out-Breathe. 

Waves of horror and panic pass through my mind. My mind and my body are disconnected, I can’t feel anything, well, I feel his breath on my face. 

I see my hand ball up, I can’t feel it though. I see it raise in front of my chest like I’m trying to comfort myself. I feel my body again when my knuckles meet his temple. Sharp shooting pains blast through my hand, but I run. I just grab Jen and go. I pull her into the nearest bathroom. 

I check under all the stalls, making sure no one is in there. I don’t know if I could deal with another stranger. 

“June, are you ok? Thank you so much, I can’t believe they would do that-” 

I can’t feel my face right now, I just feel pain. I feel pain in my knuckles, and in my stomach. Crap nononononono, I’m just anxious and scared. That was scary, that's ok, I’m ok now. 

“Yeah, that was just,” breathe, “A lot.” 

We just kind of, start laughing. It starts small before growing into a laugh that flows out of us. It makes my stomach hurt more, but it’s a much better hurt. 

“Let’s clean up a lil before going to dinner,” Jen breaks the laughter.

“You sure you’re alright though, right Jen?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 I go into one of the bathroom stalls, I sit down. When I look down, all I see is blood. No. Tears come down my cheeks and land on my thighs, creating pools of salty tears. I gasp before a small scream escapes my throat. 

“June! What’s going on, what was that?”

“Jennifer, Oh my God, Oh my God, Jennifer, please, no,”

I unlock my stall and Jen runs in, but stops.

“ June, it’s your period you idiot, do you need a tampon or something. Why are you crying? It’s not that big a deal, you’ve had your period for, like, 3 years now.”

“Jennifer, shut up, please, shut up. It’s gone, oh my God.”

“ What do you mean, what is gone, June?”

“Jennifer, I was, um, I was assaulted. Then I was pregnant. I think I miscarried. I can’t do this.”

“Wait, you were raped, that’s not your period? I don’t know what to do.”

I continue crying as I nod. Wait, no not Rape that can’t be what it was. I was assaulted, I think. It was a party, right. I don’t remember his face. Was I drugged? 

“I don’t know Jen, I don’t know, I think I was assaulted, it was that party. I don’t remember it, but I took a test, it was positive- so I took another one, positive.” 

“You were roofied? You were pregnant? June you were raped, oh my gosh, you were raped.”

“Let’s just go, it’s fine,” I flush the toilet and go to wash my hands.

“This ISN’T OKAY. June you just, I don’t know, June!”

    I just walk out of the bathroom, leaving her yelling after me. What happened? I walk out of the mall and into the cold, dark world. I look at my phone, it’s 5 o’clock. Mom and Dad will meet Jen for dinner in thirty minutes and then they’ll know what happened. How could I have let this happen?

How was I so dumb, I shouldn’t have gone to the party, should’ve watched my drink, should’ve stayed with someone, I wish Jen had been there she would’ve saved me, it’s my fault this all happened though. 

I’m at the Meyers Bridge now, how long have I been walking? 

“Hey God, I still don’t know if I believe in you or what people say you are, but I guess I’ll just try to do this. Why would this happen to me, why was I so dumb, why did this happen? How does this even happen? I don’t know if I wanted to be what I was, but I don’t think I wanted that to happen. 

“God I asked for something good, why this. Why did me and Jen have to be harassed, again, why couldn’t they’ve just gone somewhere else? Why were we the ones affected, targeted, by them? Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but it still sucks to be treated like an object, to be sexualized like that.”

Looking over the bridge my mind starts to wander. How deep is it, how many people have fallen down into those depths? Should I be the next one? Maybe it really doesn’t matter when I die. Wait, what is that quote? 

“ Death is the great equalizer. 

“ Well then God that argues the question, WHO CARES? Who cares if I die now, if I die in eighty years, or if a baby dies? We’re all humans who slowly decompose, life kills us. People kill us and we do it to ourselves too. So, WHO CARES?” 

I feel arms around my waist. They drag me down from the ledge I was sitting on. When did I climb onto the rail? 

“Hi?” It’s all I can say that’s normal.

    “Come on, I’m taking you home, what’s your address?”

I mutter it out to the person without thinking. 

The person, a woman with dark brown hair, is wearing a turtleneck, that’s when I realize it’s cold. The car is warm though, there’s a blanket on the floor. I pick it up and cover myself in the soft material. She looks over but doesn’t say anything. 

The rhythmic hum of the car makes me tired. I think about earlier, hearing the same rhythm, with a slightly different pitch.

I wonder how many people drove by me and thought about how they’d see my face on the news in the morning. Even though others passed me, one woman stopped. I guess my prayer was answered. This hope is forceful, I don’t have a choice, but I know it’s going to hurt, but maybe I’ll feel better at some point. 

“ Thank you,” I whisper, half to God, half to the woman. She just smiles. She has a soft, slight smile; you would miss it if you weren’t looking. It’s calming though. 

We walk to my front door, I’m still wrapped in the blanket. I can feel the fuzzy fabric softly hitting my knees and calves. She rings my doorbell and my parents open the door. They grab my shoulders and hug me. We go inside and I feel like things might get better. This will suck, but that’s okay. 

“Thank you, God. I’m here.”