A Dog's Christmas

The lights are up again.

I know what this means. She brought that tree inside and lit it up, decorated our den with bright colors and tinsel. The constant burning of the oven filled my nose with peppermint and my heart with dread. I remember this.

I look up to the door again briefly, the evergreen wreath and blood red bow staining the memories of this home. I look down to the wooden hatching under the stairs, the darkness that fills the space under the house. I chased a raccoon down here once, and She had to call another human to get it out. It was there for almost a week. This could work.

I bite into the lattice, grounding my forepaws to the dirt as I heave with my whole back. The thin wood gives easily, splintering in my gums. I ignore the taste of blood, it's nothing to the pain of the concrete. I flatten myself as best I can, the dirt is cold and hard on my bones but I inch forward and I crawl into the small space under the stairs. 

Those lights are so bright, even here. I shiver in the cold, but it's not as bad with the new red sweater She has been putting me in every day. It's not as bad as the concrete. I lay my head on my paws and settle in. 

“Rocco!”

I jerk for a moment, my ears springing to attention as I almost run from my hiding place-- but I don’t. I can’t. Revealing myself would mean no more sweaters.

“Rocky, where are you boy?”

I tremble as I lay myself as flat as I can. I’m not ready. It can’t be time again. I don’t think I can make another eight years in that place.

“Rocco?” She sounds concerned. I can’t give into it. I hear the shake of the bag of those yummy biscuits- but I hold myself firm. Being found is never getting special biscuits or chicken scraps ever again. I shut my eyes against that wonderful noise and let the brightness against my lids take me back to my first year. When the lights went up for the first time.

…

I watched in wonder as They brought a tree inside! They always told me sticks are for outside, but now they brought the stick maker inside! They lit it up so bright and pretty.

“It's Christmas, Rocco.” He told me.

He is so much smaller than the Great Masters. They care for us both, and I care for Him. I was small once, but now we are the same size.

“Rocco is really getting big, don’t you think?” I heard the Great Masters in another room.

He put bright lights around me and a fluffy red and white hat. His laughter was everything as it danced around me. He stuck his fingers in the sides of my mouth to stretch it like his when he is happy, and he laughed more. 

“I worry when he licks Kirk like that- it really emphasizes how big his mouth is”

“I thought he was going to be smaller. You never know with shelter dogs.”

There were bright red boxes under the tree. He called me over, and shook one in front of me. “Presents Rocco! I bet it's a new toy!” He shook it more, then tossed it down.

I leapt on the present, tearing into it to get the new toy.

“No! No Rocco!” He yelled at me. “Bad dog!”

They didn't like that. 

...

The small Master and one of my tall Masters would often leave the house for hours. Sometimes, we would go meet them somewhere with other tiny humans and then go to the park. 

Today both tall ones were there, but I didn’t think anything of it. More people meant more park fun. I eagerly leapt into the trunk. The car was quiet without Him in the backseat. They were quietly talking in the front while I wagged my tail in the back, watching the buildings fly by. I sniffed the air for clues as I leaned into the wind.

“We could always… Try again?”

I thought we were going somewhere fun. I didn’t recognize the route, I thought maybe it was a new park. Then, it didn’t hurt to run. I could chase the ball for hours and leap without a twinge in my hips. Then, I loved the park.

“He’s a good dog, someone will take him. He just doesn’t fit with us anymore.” They nodded to each other. 

I didn’t understand what they were talking about, but they seemed morose. It was no matter, I would just cheer them up at the Park. Or so I thought,

I remember the howls coming into earshot. The slow corruption of what was supposed to be a joyride turning to inky black tar in my heart. The building was large- there were wire fences around yards with dogs. Some dogs were like me, young and barking. They would run around and leap off walls, even biting the chain link and trying to tug. Some were old, resigned, and quiet. All of them smelled of dread, stress, and boredom. The bright lights and tinsel were strung at the top of each fence, cutouts of a man wearing the same hat He put on me earlier were everywhere. 

Maybe the lights were meant to adjust me between homes.

“We’re here to surrender.”

My tail tucked between my legs and I started to shake. The Lady Behind the Desk smelled of concealed anger, but she showed no emotion on her face. I wasn’t particularly brave, but I would defend my Masters until the end. 

“I’m sorry to hear that, any particular reason?”

“We have a child, and he’s showing aggression and we just can’t control him”

I tried to lay down and lean against Them, but they didn’t seem to notice.

“Alright, here is the paperwork you need…”

...

My lead was handed to The Lady Behind the Desk, and They left without looking back at me. 

I wondered when they would come back.

The Lady took me and guided me back past the countless others. Some leapt at me with every cell of their body, howling and barking with hoarse throats, others just stared with blank eyes. Those who were quiet had grey around their muzzles. They looked like just sitting on the kennel beds hurt.

“I’m so sorry sweetie.” The Lady spoke softly. “You don’t seem like you’d be aggressive to me, but…” she sighed, “that might keep you here for a long, long time.”

I walked into a kennel, a fresh blanket on the raised bed and a selection of toys on the floor. They were clean, but not new. The door slammed behind me, and I turned and quickly jumped up and looked around.

How long would I be here?

The Lady’s eyes were sad. “I’m so sorry honey.”

...

It was twelve nights before I saw Them again. They came in with Him. I barked and wagged my tail with glee, and then ran back to grab the one toy I really had grown attached to before coming back to the door and waiting.

“Oh, lookit that puppy, he's all white mommy!”

He ran right past me.

He stopped in front of the kennel full of white, small puppies with blue eyes and black spots. They barked and squirmed over each other as He clutched the fence, peering down at them with glee. “I want that one!”

I let out a small cry, and shook the fence. Did He not see me? Didn’t They remember leaving me here?

“Okay, Kirk, let's see if we can meet him.” 

They walked back, past me. He was skipping. He never turned his head.

I’ve visited that moment in my dreams many times. I’ve tried whining, howling, barking, clawing at the gate till my nails bled. He never turns his head.

“I’m getting a puppy for Christmas!” He tells The Lady excitedly as she leads them back to the puppies. She pulls the one, completely white, dog out of the mass of bodies, and it hurts. 

Maybe, if I had stayed small. Maybe if I wasn’t such a plain shade of brown.

...

The world wasn’t the same after that. It was grey all year till the lights came back, and with the lights came the memories. The memories were cold, like the yard that I spent my days in, and hard, like the concrete shelter that held my nights. I knew what led to that empty stare so many of us had. I wondered how long before I snapped too, howling and screaming at the walls of this life until eventually I gave up.

...

“This is your longest resident?”

“Yes. He’s been here 8 years. His previous family surrendered on account of aggression towards their child when he was just 10 months. He was a birthday gift as a puppy.” The New Lady said. 

“Did you handle the surrender?”

“No, it was way before my time.”

She squatted in front of my kennel, this woman. She cocked her head at me and softly smiled. “Hi Rocco. Can I meet you in the yard?”

...

“Rocco?” The shaking of the bag grew more urgent and I heard the wood creak above my head. She took me away from that place. I don’t want to go back. I’m not ready. 

I heard the dirt crunch under Her boots as She stepped down. “Rocco! Come here boy!” She swore under her breath and then I heard her phone beeping. “Hey, can you come over? I let Rocco out to pee, and then my cookies went off and I just left him for a moment but now he’s gone, and he's an old guy, and it's cold- yes I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t think he’d go running off to the woods! He normally just goes and then scratches at the door and I watch him from the window- okay, thank you so much, I love you too, see you soon.” She hung up and sighed. “Rocco!” She called again, shaking the treats.

Maybe, if I wait until she takes the lights away, she’ll change her mind. I can wait down here until then.

A bright light shone in my face suddenly, and I cringed back.

“Rocco!” She put some treats on the ground, near the hole. “What are you doing down here buddy?” She dialed her phone up with her other hand, then set it on the ground.

“Jane? Did you find him? Can I put my pajamas back on?”

“Yes, I did, thank you so much- he was under the stairs outside.”

“Under? How did he get down there?”

“He pulled up the wood boards on the side- Look, Rocky, it's chicken!” She extended her hand, but I flinched. She retreated. “Rocco! Come on,” She smiled at me and put more treats in front of her. 

I don’t budge.

“Something spooked him. He’s not moving.”

Her friend sighs on the other line. “Want me to come help dig him out?”

“... I know it's Christmas Eve, but would you?”

“I’ll be there soon.”

...

Eventually I was back inside getting a warm bath and blow dry from Master and Her friend. They gave me real chicken and bits of beef and wrapped me up in fluffy towels.

“Any ideas what spooked him?”

“No, not at all.”

Her friend gave me another bit of chicken. I kept shaking as I looked between them, wondering if it was time. At least this was a nicer goodbye- but I wanted to keep my sweater. 

“I’ll stay over and help watch him tonight. I know you love your kooky rescues.” 

“Really?”

“Christmas should be with your loved ones, right? I get a cookie tax though.”

...

They sit next to me all night long, watching people in the bright box. Then, in the morning, we go over to the tree. 

“This one’s for you Rocco!”

Maybe the lights aren’t so bad after all.