Reasons I love you

Reasons I love you

1. You feel like the wind.

I didn’t even notice it at first. The first time I saw you was like an August breeze. It felt nice, but I didn't think about it again. And then I saw you everyday. And the feeling grew the way the breeze grew warmer towards spring. It was the small things that made me fuzzy inside. When you kicked a stone off my trail. When you called me no matter how late it was to make sure I reached home safe. When you let me win that game of cards. When you picked a ruffled bougainvillea off the road instead of plucking one, and gave it to me. When you let me have the last piece of cake. When you held out the umbrella more to my side. You felt the way the breeze through your hair feels on a hot summer day. Refreshing. A breath of fresh air. Like you want to experience it again. And again. And again for the rest of your life. Like you want to know for a fact that the breeze will play with your hair every summer day. And blow dandelions and dry leaves into your face in the spring. And dry your rain soaked clothes so the rain can soak it all over again in the monsoon. And clear away the clouds of mists and miscommunications in the winters. I never knew breathing felt so good until I met you.

2. You feel like sunshine.

You crept up on me the way the sunlight creeps through the windows at dawn. You see the sky turn from a blue to a warm hue. You see the light trickle in through that tiny gap in the curtains that you forgot to close. You close your eyes for just a second more and suddenly the light from afar is all over you. You don’t remember how it got here, but you just let the light envelope you in its warm embrace. And you let it come with you wherever you go. Sure sometimes we fought. You felt the way a sunstroke feels. Overwhelming. Powerful. But scared of its power. You retreat behind your clouds, so I can heal and stand again. You gave me space, but you checked on me everyday. There were our fair share of rain clouds to keep you away. But seeing you again feels the way a sunny day feels after days of rain. Like the world lit up again. You were my only constant. I knew you would be there for me as certain as the sun rises and sets everyday. You felt like a sunset, the conversations we had, it painted my life in hues of soft pink and gold. You felt like a sunrise, gave me something to look forward to everyday. You felt like sunshine, my world was a little brighter with you in it.

3. You feel like fire.

The day they told us you were sick, someone lit a fire inside you. Or you became the fire. I could never tell. Sorrow and weakness and helplessness added fuel to the flame that caught on quickly. You pushed me away, like the flame repels those who come near it. You even burned me. But you were hurting yourself too. I tried, I really did, going away. But I was always drawn back to you the way a moth was drawn to the flame. Staying, it was hard too. But at the end of the you still made me feel warm and safe. I looked at you and still felt mesmerized, like watching a candle flame, I could do it for hours and not look away. I could never pinpoint what kind of flame you were. Some days you were a bubbling bonfire, and others a raging forest fire. You know how people say I would walk through fire for you, those days it felt like I was doing that all the time. I know you were hurting so much more than you hurt me, but I just wished you’d let me be there for you. I didn't want to put out the fire inside you, I only wanted to make sure it stopped hurting the both of us. Slowly, very slowly might I add, you let me. And I spent our days feeling the way mountaintop twilights with fireflies and a fireplace feels. Like I didn’t want it to go back or go forward to the end. I wanted to freeze time. But even if I could it was only a matter of time before the fire thawed it out. So I spent our days the way the last person watches the bonfire. Waiting for the flame to inevitably go out, so tired of the fear and uncertainty, but also wanting more. Every time the flame dies out, instead of just going inside and finally sleeping, kindling just another spark to keep it going. It felt like I was rekindling that bonfire for an eternity.

4. You feel like the ocean.

The day you went in for surgery, I felt like I was drowning. In the ocean. In salt water that stung my wounds, with no way out for miles except up. But on the surface, I could no longer see it. I was lost because of you. Because there was no horizon to look out into. Because you weren’t there to push me to shore anymore. I came and ended up here, like the way the rivers run into the sea. The way they run all their life searching for missing something, only to find out it was a feeling of home. It was the feeling they feel when the river runs into the ocean. Like they belong here. You made me feel that way. But I didn’t know what I would do without you. Was I supposed to run back down the same river banks, wandering the earth like a lost river? Splitting up the streams and rivers that you made whole, till I lost track of who I was before? You felt like the ocean that day more than ever as I sat slumped against the cold tile of the hospital floor. I was sitting there waiting for someone to tell me. Tell me the ocean was no more. That’s how it would feel when they told me you were gone. I couldn't possibly imagine a world without you in it.

5. You are my world.

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I breathe in so slightly it’s almost as if I don’t. I let the empty feeling sit inside me, knowing there's nothing I can do about it, as I close the piece of paper with shaky hands. I wrote this the day after. On the back of your hospital report when they told me the news. I know if I read this at the funeral it would have resonated with so many other people who love you. Not the way it felt for me, but in a different way. But I couldn’t.

“If you aren’t ready this second, I’m going without you!”

Because there was no funeral. 

I shake my head at your impatience and grab my things and head towards the door. I look at you hopping on one leg as you fiddle with your sandals with one hand while holding a bunch of other stuff for your getting well party in the other.

“What?” you ask, turning your neck precariously to look up at me.

“Nothing.” I smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

And just like that my world keeps on spinning.