Lancelot Tickles

As a bureaucrat of strict procedural righteousness, Lancelot Tickles loved overly complicated paperwork. Lancelot challenged himself to turn the simplest administrative process into the most tediously convoluted and nightmarishly improbable task possible. He throttled innovation and strangled interdepartmental cooperation. He buried every assignment, function or undertaking in a grave of administrative trivia. Tickles dreamed of bringing down entire governments through mind-numbing paperwork, impossible approvals, and infuriatingly jargon-filled forms.

Lancelot Tickles was a quiet sadist. He was a natural for government work.

Still, moribund bureaucracy was only a happy hobby. His true vocation was serial murder. Here, Lancelot was a humble overachiever. He was a million times more murderous than Corbin Huber, mistakenly believed to be the world's most prolific political assassin. Tickles cast a wider net than Huber, combining random impulse killing with highly focused general purpose assassination. A committed schizophrenic, Lancelot Tickles was a total psychotic ghost.

Corbin Huber gloried in the spotlight. He enjoyed a gleefully sycophantic cult following. His acolytes were smitten by his charismatic paranoia and delusional visions. He was a media darling, revenue gold, upstaged only by the most corrupt politicians and the worst airline disasters. Clicks, likes, shares and subscribers skyrocketed when media outlets ran stories about Huber, despite his now being dead for four decades.

Lancelot Tickles, on the other hand, was deliberately invisible. He was nondescript, innocuous and deadly boring. The media yawned at his mention and instead ran stories about the new potting soil Ms. Berthlen Daggerheim used in her rose beds at her residence on the corner of Big Oak Lane and Lost Dog Avenue in temperate Little Lakes, Missouri.

Lancelot Tickles was alive, but nobody knew enough to care.

Huber died mysteriously on the eastern slope of the Shadowtooth Mountains in the early eighties, from a fall off a rock outcrop known as the Serpent's Spine. His sole companion at the time was Lancelot Tickles, who claimed he looking the other way when it happened.

If it is true that any successful villain must have a nemesis, Lancelot would be hard pressed to identify his. He knew that Special Agent Jake Sanborn and Criminal Psychologist Tanya Timbol existed in the world, but he was unaware of any specific interest they may have in him.

In truth, Sanborn and Timbol had dedicated their careers at the Directorate of Investigation to bringing Lancelot Tickles to justice. Their fixation now continued deep into retirement. They studied everything they could about him, followed every clue no matter how dubious or doubtful. Tickles did not know he was all up in their heads. He was too busy with his paperwork.

***

"I began my career in law enforcement in the year 1977, at the age of twenty-three years old," said Jake Sanborn, now seventy years of age, speaking to a class of senior criminal science students about the serial killer known as Lancelot Tickles. "I was twenty-seven when I first encountered Corbin Huber and Lancelot Tickles in a remote area in the Nevada desert. Huber was dead at the time. Tickles posed as a local geologist. At the time we believed that he was simply an unwitting dupe in Huber's nefarious plans."

"Tickles is a master at becoming different people," said Tanya Timbol. Jake and Tanya were obsessed. It was blinding, consuming. Lancelot Tickles was a prison they built for themselves. "He kills people and assumes their identities."

"It was a different world forty years ago. Today, there's a camera everywhere we go, monitoring everything we do," said Jake. "Facial recognition software and artificial intelligence and DNA have revolutionized how we track fugitives. Mobile phones have changed how we communicate and extensive digital networks now link powerful databases."

"We did not have these capabilities in the year 1981," said Tanya. Her comment was both informative and self-justifying. She felt guilt over letting Tickles trick them so long ago. "Everything was slower, required more time. Information was often outdated and useless by the time we received it."

"You speak as though he is still alive." said an older student from a middle row.

"We believe he is," said Jake.

"Interesting," said the student.

"Let's talk about the background, the origin, of Lancelot Tickles," said Tanya.

***

"We believe Lancelot Tickles was born in the year 1954, somewhere in the United States," said Tanya. "His birth records have been altered, possibly by his father, or by Tickles himself."

"His father was Ludicran Mysoby Tickles," said Jake, "of Lichtenstein." A projection of Ludicran appeared on the screen in front of the class. "He was a—"

"—possibly Lichtenstein," said Tanya, correctively to Jake's annoyance. After forty years of this he was about done with Tanya. "It may have been Nuremberg, Germany."

"It wasn't Nuremberg," said Jake, reprovingly.

"Might have been," said Tanya, defensively.

"In the year 1939, at age fifteen, Ludicran became a devout youth Nazi," said Jake.

"Which is why Nuremberg is a possibility," said Tanya knowingly, just between her and the audience.

"His mother's maiden name was Agotithea Andrei. Ludicran and Agotithea were quite young when they married—Ludicran falsified the necessary documents. In the early days of their marriage Agotithea slaughtered pigs for a living. It was unique, of course, for a woman to excel in this trade, but by all accounts she was quite good at it," said Jake. "As the war progressed she was invited to fine-tune her expertise on the prisoners of various concentration camps throughout the region. She was not yet eighteen years old."

"We don't know much about Lancelot's mother, except that she was listed on the Central Registry of War Criminals and Security Suspects," said Tanya. "She and Ludicran escaped capture at war's end. They made their way to America, where Ludicran became an administrative clerk at a state facility for the criminally insane."

"Agotithea established herself as chief enforcer for a major mob family," said Jake. "She drowned in her bathtub in the year 1972. It was not an accident."

***

I neglected my education as a youth. Many other adventures kept my attention. I have always been a busy guy. Eventually I acquired a position right here at the Directorate of Investigation. I worked at the Directorate for almost two decades before I was forced to retire. I threatened to litigate. Ageism. This terrified them because I was in Human Resources and that's about as terrifying as it gets in a government bureaucracy. As settlement they reinstated me and offered a tuition-free education in the Directorate's own Training and Indoctrination Facility. This pleased me.

Imagine my surprise to see my friends Jake and Tanya as guest lecturers in class this morning. They spoke—emotionally, I think—about a gentleman named Lancelot Tickles, who seemed to me to be quite a successful person. I had a weird feeling that I had met him sometime in my past.

I liked Tanya. I remember her being very kind to me. I don't remember when or why. I did not understand why they were talking about my dear mama Agotithea. I fondly recall the bedtime stories she would tell me, of the concentration camps and her time with the nice gangster people.

I had to think hard about it, but I may have killed my mother. No matter. What puzzled me at the moment was why Lancelot Tickles felt so familiar to me. I should know him. But how?

I intended to say hello to Jake and Tanya during the class break, but they were busy arguing with each other and I didn't want to disturb them.

***

"As an elementary school student Lancelot was identified as emotionally unresponsive," said Tanya. "He was moderately intelligent by other measures."

"Lancelot was removed from his second-grade class after threatening to have his mother assassinate a student who made fun of him," said Jake. "After a brief conversation with his mother, the school's principal dropped the matter entirely. He then moved his entire family to Saskatchewan, Canada."

"Lancelot became notorious for shouting 'way to go' while pumping his fist and laughing hysterically when news of the assassination of President John Kennedy was broadcast to his third-grade class," said Tanya. "Teachers and staff were so frightened of him by that time they joined in the celebration. Nobody knows how much lasting trauma that caused the rest of the student body."

"It is clear that the American school system was poorly equipped to deal with Lancelot Tickles," said Jake. "The prison system did not fare well, either."

"It is not clear if Lancelot Tickles actually attended high school," said Tanya. "He was, however, formally awarded a high school diploma in the year 1972, just days before his mother mysteriously drowned while taking a bath."

"Lancelot Tickles disappeared after his mother's death. Few reliable records, official or otherwise, can be found. Tickles has a unique talent for reshaping the paperwork of his past. Fingerprints, photographs, social security numbers, passports. All exist in abundance. All lead us down blind alleys. None lead us to the fugitive Lancelot Tickles." Frustration and defeat seeped into Jake's voice. His entire career was consumed by this demon. It did not look good for a peaceful retirement.

"You've worked hard all your career," said the older student in the middle row.

"Uh, well…" said Jake.

"Thank you for your service," said the student.

"Yea. Whatever." The student's voice sounded familiar but Jake couldn't quite place it.

"Tickles is most comfortable when he blends into his background. Like his father, he favors mid-level administrative positions that provide access to a wide range of documentation—often confidential and sensitive—on a regular basis." Tanya was tired too, but the intellectual challenge of solving the Tickles riddle was still alive. "As the events of 1981 demonstrate, Tickles is also capable of acting spontaneously, in the moment, when the need arises."

***

This was all super interesting. I felt like I was a soul-mate with Lancelot Tickles. So much of his history aligned with my own. I was uneasy at how my mother Agotithea figured into it all.

I did not know this Corbin Huber, except of course through my studies here at the Training and Indoctrination Facility. How odd that he fell off Serpent's Spine and died. I was in the area around that time. I recall that a man fell off the same outcrop, but I think his name was Paul, not Corbin.

Seemed to me that they should do something about that Serpent's Spine place.

I noticed that Jake and Tanya had not aged well. I felt they were tormented about something, perhaps this Lancelot Tickles fellow, and I felt weirdly involved in this. Jake was uncomfortable when I thanked him in class for his service. But I think it is important that we say these things. People like Jake and Tanya keep us all safe.

My father was a very important administrator at the prestigious High Desert Secure Facility for Societal Adjustment. He told me it was a special learning community for the cultivation and nourishment of uniquely talented individuals. They were quite selective about who attended. They specifically asked that I become a member of their community. My father was proud of me. It was quite an honor.

One day my father told me it was time for me to leave. He had arranged all the paperwork. First, he said, I had to pass a physical exam, so I was transferred to the infirmary. Two days later my father visited me and told me everything was ready. I dressed as a laundry person and got to ride in the back of their delivery truck, which was quite fun. I don't know where my father got the uniform. It fit very nicely.

As a reward for all his years of service my father was invited to remain at that marvelous community indefinitely. I don't know exactly when he died.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed those two girls, the giggly ones. They stared at me and whispered. I knew they were making fun of me. I don't know why. No matter. They were roommates. I had their address.

***

"Corbin Huber and Lancelot Tickles were both inmates at the High Desert Secure Facility for Societal Adjustment during the same period of time," said Jake. "They were housed in different wings and there is no evidence that they knew of each other."

"In 1981 Corbin Huber escaped from the Facility," said Tanya. "His cult followers arranged for a hot-air balloon to float over the facility in the middle of the night. Huber climbed a rope and the wind swept him away."

"Tickles escaped from the Facility on exactly the same day, though it appears the two acted independently," said Tanya. "His father, Ludicran, was an administrative assistant at the Facility. He masterminded his son's escape. Ludicran murdered a laundry man in the process. He was subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment at the Facility and died there in the year 1991 at the age of sixty-seven years old."

"Huber's cult following financed his escape. Huber's dream was to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Ironically, John Hinckley shot Reagan just a day following Huber's escape."

"Lancelot Tickles murdered a local geologist, a guest at the Sapphire Sky Resort Casino, and assumed his identity," said Tanya. "Bizarrely, it appears that both Huber and Tickles stayed the same night at the Sapphire Sky, ate at the same breakfast buffet, and each murdered innocent citizens in order to make good their escape."

"It gets more bizarre. Corbin's followers stashed a cache of plans and weapons in a shallow mine adit on the eastern slope of the Shadowtooth Mountains. Corbin now called himself Paul Smith." Jake shook his head in wonder, or maybe it was dismay. "They hired a local geologist to guide Corbin to the mine adit. They intended to kill the geologist once there. But Tickles murdered the geologist first and took his place."

"So Corbin Huber and Lancelot Tickles, two of history's most dangerous serial killers, found themselves alone together hiking in the remote high desert," said Tanya. "They didn't even know each other."

"Only one survived that encounter," said Jake. "Lancelot Tickles."

***

Wait. This is weird. It's like I was there myself. I knew this guy Paul. He fell off the Serpent's Spine and died. So, Tanya and Jake are claiming that Paul was actually Corbin Huber? The world's most successful political assassin? Not possible. I didn't know Paul that well, but I didn't like him. He was a jerk.

I remember the Sapphire Sky Casino. Outstanding breakfast buffet. I gambled for the first time. Won a lot but then lost it all and more. Weird how people keep going back to that stuff. Much too risky. Survival is about managing risk.

It gave me chills to think I might have seen or even spoken to Corbin Huber or Lancelot Tickles at the breakfast buffet. Wish I had known. I might have gotten an autograph or something.

***

Their guest lecture was over. The last slide of their presentation said The End in big bold letters, black on a white background.

"We're done," said Jake. "Goodbye."

"Yes, thank you for your attention," said Tanya.

Malwine Maier, the Dean of the Training and Indoctrination Facility, approached them, leading the audience applause. He shook their hands.

"Your search for Lancelot Tickles continues?" said Malwine. "You are confident he is still alive after all these years?"

"Indeed," said Tanya. "Not only alive, but active."

"I won't rest until Lancelot Tickles is back in prison," said Jake.

"We won't rest…" said Tanya. "We."

"Whatever," said Jake. He rolled his eyes.

"Will you take a question or two from the students?" said Malwine.

"We'd love to," said Tanya.

"Hm," said Jake.

"I have a question," said the older student who had spoken previously. "Are you sure you will recognize Lancelot Tickles if you see him again?"

"Absolutely," said Jake.

"No doubt," said Tanya.

"Good luck," said the student.

With that, Jake and Tanya walked out of the lecture hall. Their search continued.

***

Lancelot Tickles loved a good funeral. This week he attended two, which was quite an eventful week for Lancelot, indeed. He was feeling pretty good about life.

Two days ago he attended the funeral of Criminal Psychologist (retired) Tanya Timbol. She was beaten to death by Special Agent Jake Sanborn after she warned him for the fourteen thousand three hundred and sixth time that the breakfast he just ordered was bad for his cholesterol. He used a thick manila binder of documents labeled 'Nuremberg evidence.'

Today's funeral was for Special Agent (retired) Jake Sanborn, who died of a heart attack while being led to jail. Lancelot read the coroner's report. Congestive heart failure.

Lancelot wasn't sad about their deaths. There was quite a lot of paperwork that goes with dying, especially murder. That excited Lancelot. He would complete it precisely and perfectly, a tribute to Jake and Tanya. He left Jake's funeral and refocused on the task in front of him today. He studied the bus schedule. He was going to visit the two giggling girls from class. He had their address.