Through My Eyes

When you open your phone, what do you do? Do you open social media and wish to be every girl on there but yourself. That's crazy... right? Do you actually look through your own posts and delete the ones you regret. Or do you leave them up and hate every second of it? When you open your phone, do you go through your best friend's posts and wonder how in the world you could even be friends with her? How could she even consider being seen with someone like you? Nope. Not me. Do you have a scale in your room because of social media? How about a carb list? Do you cover your mirror with a sheet?

When you open your phone, do you text your friend? Or do you wait and see if they will ever text you on their own? Do those thoughts in your head eat at you? Because I certainly don't have those thoughts. Who said I had those thoughts? I don't. Nope. Not me. When you finally can't stand waiting anymore, do you text your friend? If you do, do you stare at your phone until they respond? What if they don't respond? Does it crack your soul? Bruise your ego? It doesn't do that to me.

When you open your phone and see an Instagram post that you happen to be in, what do you do? Do you like it and move on? Do you analyze every detail of that picture/pictures to make sure you make sure you never look that bad again? Would you zoom in on the prettiest girl's face and try to smile just. like. her? Do you?

When you open your phone, do you even go to social media at all? Lucky you if you don't. What if you get a notification from Instagram? Do you open it immediately and look at it? Or do you swipe up and save it for later? How could you stand to save it for later? What if something important was going on? Why am I even worried about all of this.

When she opens her phone, she doesn't worry about anything. She's the prettiest, most confident girl around. But what if she thinks like me? Does she have the same thoughts? Does she hate mirrors as much as I do? Probably not. My brain is going a million miles an hour.

When she opens her phone, she doesn't even have social media so how could she open it? Why does she complain about her parents not letting her have it? She thinks she's missing out on great things, but all she's missing out on are the thoughts that the apps come with. The voices that slowly morph the way you see yourself in the mirror. The things that make you rethink every message you send, every picture you like, and every post you make (when you find the courage to actually post). I would delete it if I could. But what would people think? They would talk, and that's not good. Not tolerable.

When she opens her phone, she calls her friends. She has so many. How does she have so many? She's the athletic girl who can do anything. She has so many friend groups I can't even keep track of them. How does she do that? She manages to be pretty close to perfection. When I look through her posts all I see is a happy girl, with a happy life, with a great future ahead of her. My parents tell me, "All you see on social media are the highs of life. Everyone has lows." How am I supposed to believe that? They don't have social media. How would they know?

When I open my phone... I do everything I said I don't. But that's not crazy. Right? When I'm looking through 3 years worth of posts from one person, that's not crazy right? I don't think so.

When I open my phone, my hands start to shake as I open Instagram. The train of voices stop at the station.

Ew why do I look like that?

Why don't I have a dress like hers?

I'm so fat in that.

Do I look weird in that?

Why can't I be like her?

Do I seem too clingy if I comment?

Omg I liked her post, does she think I'm weird?

Why would I comment that?

How do they manage to make that so easily?

When I open my phone, I don't see me. I suddenly care about things that make no sense. An Instagram post can set off a panic attack.

When you open your phone, does that happen to you? Can you even open your phone? Do your palms get sweaty when you post something? While you wait to see if people will like it, comment on it, do you bite your fingernails?

When she opens her phone she is laughing. She doesn't have a care in the world. Will I ever be like her? Probably not.

Have you ever slowly drawn into yourself? Like the world has faded in your eyes and the only thing that matters is that stupid device that's always in your pocket? Sometimes I ask myself, why? Why does everyone care so much about who posts what and when? If you post something and don't tag someone it creates an ordeal so big it could end friendships. I would know. If you post something that has one friend in it but not the other... it's a civil war with you in the middle of it.

Have you ever looked at your sibling and wondered what happened? What happened to you? The care-free little girl that could wear whatever and eat a lot? Where did she go? Have your friends ever asked you to delete the very thing that controls your life? What did you say? Did you say there was no way you could? That you couldn't explain why?

Have you ever taken over twenty photos for one post? How many did you end up using? One? Or maybe two? Three is pushing it.

When you open your phone... are you like me?